Published July 5, 2011
The world is spinning in deep effect
One sentinel standing, alone and erect
All fades away through a phantasm blur
Where nothing is
And nothing were
I welcome reveiws and would also be interested to see if anyone can guess what this poem is about
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Great job! you can really choose your words well! I mean Phantasm <-- that's just freaking awesome. Like the Reviewer before me, the title drew me in. It was very different from the other titles on the little list out there. And, well, it looked interesting! Anyways, I like the poem, maybe you could add on and make it longer, I feel like there is a story behind it, but that may just be my imagination. hehe I think my review was longer than the poem. . .
Love,
LittleLionWoman
Hey, welcome to YWS! I think this poem was short and brilliant! The title was what caught my eye, it's very unusual which makes it interesting. You probably shouldn't make the title the first line of your poem, though. Maybe you should just call it deep effect. Anyway, the language was interesting and flowed well.
Welcome again and good job!
Veritas
Hello and Welcome to Young Writers Society! * Shakes hands - "I'm Alia" *. It's great to see that you're posting already! Have fun here and keep these pieces coming!
Right, onto a review. This poem has been very cleverly written. I wasn't a writer as good as you when I arrived! Normally, it takes time to improve and polish skills once joining YWS, but is seems as though you are already an accomplished author!
I liked the the rhythm and rhyme: it flowed well and it was smooth. The way you presented your subject was well-done: It was stark and, as a reader, it seemed poignant.
The only issue I had with this poem was the title. It wasn't original. For me, using the first line of your poem/story for the title is a bit lazy; it seems as though no real thought has been put into it. In my opinion, it's a no-no. Try to think of a more powerful title which digs into the deepest relms of the poem, expresses the fundemental issues and the most important points that you are aiming to adress with the actual poem.
All-in-all, well done! I'm looking forward to reading more from you and I hope you settle in OK. If you have any problems, need a hand, or want to ask a question, just PM me or leave a comment on my wall.
~ Alia, your new YWS buddie!