Adding Color

Mandorelute wrote:

StreetRat wrote:Alright, Mandorelute, she's a young woman, and you're REALLY going to give her that huge of a critique? Seriously? Calm down. Not everybody can be writing geniuses like you.

I personally loved your poem, you don't need to change a thing, maybe except for the punctuation and the one revision your sister made. Other than that, I loved it.

Street rat is totally right here, I just re-read this and am really humiliated by how harsh half of my own words sound. I hope you can understand that meanness is not my goal, and I hope that showed through.

But as always,
keep writing!

I know it wasnt your goal to be mean. I took it in a good way actually. Thank you, and i would much rather that then having people tell me my poetry is good... when i have mistakes.
-kota-

-M.

StreetRat wrote:Alright, Mandorelute, she's a young woman, and you're REALLY going to give her that huge of a critique? Seriously? Calm down. Not everybody can be writing geniuses like you.

I personally loved your poem, you don't need to change a thing, maybe except for the punctuation and the one revision your sister made. Other than that, I loved it.

StoryWeaver13 wrote:Hey there.
Anyway, I think this is too weighed down by your rhyme scheme. A poem doesn't really need a rhyme to be a poem, it just needs a rhythm. It felt forced especially towards the end. I also think you could expand this to make it longer, but it's not a terrible poem.
Keep writing,
~StoryWeaver

I would love to answer questions now. but i gtg.

StreetRat wrote:Alright, Mandorelute, she's a young woman, and you're REALLY going to give her that huge of a critique? Seriously? Calm down. Not everybody can be writing geniuses like you.

I personally loved your poem, you don't need to change a thing, maybe except for the punctuation and the one revision your sister made. Other than that, I loved it.

I liked this poem, but I feel it was lacking something important. Try to make it longer maybe.

Hello there, once again, Kota!

Just to let you know, you might want to do some critiques. It's best to do 2-3 critiques for every one work of your own to post.

Anyways, I think you have a good poem here. I like the poems you write, they are short but they have a lot coming through them. Keep it up. =D

Good luck.

~Heather

Alright, Mandorelute, she's a young woman, and you're REALLY going to give her that huge of a critique? Seriously? Calm down. Not everybody can be writing geniuses like you.

I personally loved your poem, you don't need to change a thing, maybe except for the punctuation and the one revision your sister made. Other than that, I loved it.

Hey there darling, welcome to yws. Do you like it so far? Remember to always critique at least half as much as you submit. Make reading and trying to share understanding and influence with other members your priority here, and people's replies will be worth their true value to you. Except for free posts, I critique five poems for every one poem I submit. And again, welcome, and I am glad you're here.

On to the poem critique:

I loved the poem and title relationship. It was a lovely tea-time read. The ending was disappointingly weak and it ruined the rest of the poem. Nothing was wrong with your subject or what you were trying to say, of course, but the problem is how you chose to write about it. These two lines (waves of hugs and kisses too. One thing I know is I'll miss you. ), well, they are just tragic, because they brutally bulldoze over the rest of the piece.
The punctuation was just terrible. If you are going to leave 'Love so pure so white as snow' without a coma (and same with random capitalization), then relax about it everywhere else unless it is absolutely necessary; or take the time to make sure you have perfect punctuation. Leaving it as it is, the reader won't be responsible for interpretive confusion. I hope you understand.

Things to consider:

- It's normally a good idea to avoid cliches, such as: think out side of the box, black as night, white as a ghost.
- Research some different types of poetry, interpret them into your style, so as to hopefully gain a fuller understanding of meter, rhythm, ... you have to learn the rules before you know how to best break them, bend them, twist them, use them, etc...
- Keep writing!

At your service,
Mandorelute*~,...

Hey there.
Anyway, I think this is too weighed down by your rhyme scheme. A poem doesn't really need a rhyme to be a poem, it just needs a rhythm. It felt forced especially towards the end. I also think you could expand this to make it longer, but it's not a terrible poem.
Keep writing,
~StoryWeaver

Hey there, Kota! XD. It's funny to review my sister's work, it really is.
Anyhoo. I love this. The only thing I would say is when you say "love so pure so white as snow," you should say "love so pure, it's white as snow" instead. If you catch my drift, dude.
Lovely job.
-Mizz