z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

oops

by KoriRedbow


> >C-R-A-S-H< <

! Oh Crap!

*sigh*

(oh well)

But. . .

. . . nevermind


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Tue May 02, 2017 4:36 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Lol! I don't know why this was so amusing to me... maybe I've "fallen off my rocker." It's so funny to find poems like this because I usually read it over and over like "what was this?" and that's what I was thinking at the end of this. I almost want it to be in the Literary Spotlight just to see what everyone is thinking. Though... I can see some already took this too seriously. Haha, keep writing, good sir.

~Keep <3




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Tue May 02, 2017 11:09 am
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Alllllrighty. So, you have a cute little poem here. I like it. But it's only six lines, total of eight words. In cases like these, formatting is the most valuable thing that exists. I'm just going to go through each line and offer my thoughts or suggestions, and you can take it or leave it. ;)

> >C-R-A-S-H< <

Some people might not like those arrows pointing to the word, or the hyphen separating each letter, but I do. It offers a very abrupt beginning, and the reader is snapped to attention upon reading it. In other words, it's the perfect opening for catching your reader's attention.

! Oh Crap!

I would suggest a couple things here. First, ditch the first exclamation point, because to me, it doesn't do anything. I don't see a reason for its existence. But definitely keep the second exclamation point, because that's totally necessary! Next. When you drop or knock something over, you usually won't think oh crap, I just did that. You'd probably shout "crap!" out loud. Thus, I suggest putting this line in quotes to really push that out-loud feel.

(oh well)

I'm not too sure why this is in parentheses, because to me this could have worked as a regular line. However, I'm sure you had a reason, so if you could elaborate on that with a reply, I'd love to read your answer!

...nevermind

You don't really need to have the first ellipses because the previous line ended with one. However, you COULD add one at the end of this line too, and it would look good. Perhaps you could make it look like this:
"nevermind..."

That's all! I left out lines which I had no comment on. I'm not saying you need to listen to any suggestion I offered, so take them or leave them. Your choice. Overall, though, great poem! Keep up the great work!

-Shey




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Mon May 01, 2017 10:45 pm
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FizzyGirl wrote a review...



Hi fizzygirl here for a review.

I don't really have any criticism for this poem but a few suggestions.
First off there's no need for a comma between oh and well, also I thought you should have added a little more to it, maybe more sound effects? I really liked the structure and the way the poem looked on the page/screen. It was short but also sweet, not so short that you couldn't set the seen but not so long that it dragged on. Punctuation was good, all in all I really enjoyed this poem and I think this was a relatable and funny poem.
Hope you found this helpful.
-fjzzygirl




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Mon May 01, 2017 10:17 pm
SnowGhost says...



Haha short and sweet




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Mon May 01, 2017 9:58 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a short review!

First off, I think this work could've been easily used for some post you've made on your page or a blog post. Nevertheless, I think it does show some potential into something grand if you put your heart goal into it. I like how you use onomatopoeia to describe a certain scene; for some reason, with this sort of poem, I think it is about either 1) someone breaking an important item that belonged to someone or 2) someone dropping an dish or something. It depends on how you look at it but from my viewpoint, that's how I see it.

Another thing I'd like to touch up on was something I mentioned earlier. I think you should expand more onto this poem because right now it isn't that much of a poem but more less, a bunch of words put together to make it seem like a poem. One suggestion I have for this could be after each sound effect, you could put a corresponding line that relates to it to give more of a feeling, if that makes sense. Like, for example, for crashing, you could put what is crashing there so it can create a better image for the reader when they're reading it.

While I've been saying you could do better with this poem, I firmly believe it is a lovely poem with the words alone written.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Dino

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Mon May 01, 2017 9:47 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



Hello!

The nice thing about this poem is that it's very visual. it kind of reminds me when people build people or other images out of the dashes and swipes on a keyboard. The symmetricalness of it is also very pleasing, but then your kind of lose that at the end. I wonder if you could make the second to last line symmetrical too, and have the ending highlighted as the ending by the fact that it isn't symmetrical.
Even though this poem is so visual, it still tells a story, which is another lovely feature about it. It's not entirely clear what's happening, and I think it could be clearer, but I also feel this might take away from the visualness of the poem, so that's really you're call.
I'm not sure you need a comma between oh and well.
Lovely poem; it was light-hearted and fun to read!
-tgirly

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Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily