I try
and
I try
and
I try
I can't reach the top
so many
so many people
I see above me
All up there
Basking the the glory of their height
While I sit
and try
and try
and try
to climb to their level
I can't reach
can't reach
But I can see the light
At the top
It's beautiful
And I wish I was there
I want to be the best
I want to bask in that glory
And I try
and try
and try
and try
and try
and fail
I can't reach that top!!
Why do they have it?
Why are they up there?
Do they have something special?
Is it hidden from sight?
How do you get there?
I want to be the best
I want to be on top
I want to look down upon all those
Who were above me
I want to be the best
I want to show the world
I want to bask
I want to win
for once
I want to speak
Without laughter following
I want to dance
Without falling
I want to sing
Without a crack in my voice
I want to choose
Without doubting my choice
I want to be
something I've never been
I want
to reach
the top
to that light
to that peace
to the top
so I will try
and try
and try
and try
until I do
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Repetition can really really work but first you have to think about the purpose of it. Here it just lengthens the poem. You really need to condense your work. You could cut out 90% of it and we'd not understand it any less. Try that with your next draft.
Generally your linebreaks are good but punctuation is drastically needed.
Here you've used capitals at the beginning of each line, but why here and nowhere else? If it's a new sentence put a fullstop, if there's a break put a comma and all the rest of it. That will improve the flow and the rhythm drastically. It's amazing what a few tiny marks can do to a piece.
The two exclamation marks there make your comment seem comical. You don't need them. If you need exclamation marks, you're not doing your job as a writer. Show us how you feel through words and structure
This showed me you have some original ideas and phrases to use. But they're crowded by cliches like
These really weakened your work. So condense and remember, be unique with every line.
hmmm, I actually like the repetition it sort of caught my attention and made me want to finish the poem, if that makes any sense. There were two lines that stood out from the rest
I want to speak
Without laughter following
I want to dance
Without falling
I want to sing
Without a crack in my voice
I want to choose
Without doubting my choice
I want to be
the first two line here just don't fit, at first I thought you meant just laughing and not people laughing at you which I assume is what you really meant, but it took me a sec to get what you meant and that's not a good thing to me.
Other then that I really liked your poem becuase of how you connect to the audience by writing on something everybody has wondered about some time in their life, that why can't I be the best, why am I different feeling:)
You get a thumbs up from me:):)
The first thing I noticed was how much you repeat your self. I think it is very hard to repeat and make it work, unfortunately it doesn't work very well here. I understand where you were trying to make a point by saying the same phrase over and over again, however it just seems redundant. Basically you have told us you want to be the best. I really hate to be the one to break it to you but we don't care.
Try telling us what you do when striving for that perfection. What sort of difficult tasks are you performing in? Maybe that would help...
To be quite honest I am not even sure this would work as a base poem to build off of... maybe take the idea and try again?