(I know this may not be my best work, but it's what I was feeling and I had to get it off my chest.)
it's so cold in here
i can't breathe
and the ice in my lungs
is beginning to melt
i'm drowning
and screaming
and yelling
and fighting
and nobody notices my
pain
pain that kills
pain that bleeds
pain the shadows
over the brightest of days
harsher then anything
I've ever felt before
and nobody knows
what I'm feeling
this level of
pain
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Ho Hum
I do hear that pain hurts, an awful lot.
But it does not warrant a poem about it.
An artful ironic use of cliche this is not
Cliches such as these must be shot.
That was silly but if one feels pain like this a great remedy is getting high. I know that is irresponible but as Ryan Adams says
"When your young you get sad,
And you get high."
Wise words indeed.
So far I've been quite the asshole. I do want to say that if you feel so intensely, and if you keep writing you will come to a place where the feelings will take on words and the cliches will melt away. So keep writing, people who feel are in no demand, but they are so important.
I kind of agree with the others, you obviously have feelings and emotions that are negative and getting them out in poetry is really helpful - I've done it a lot in the past, but sometimes just rambling about your pain and misery is more of a private thing. If you want other people to read the poetry it has to convey something to other people as well, some images that throw the emotion up for people. It's not enough to just say "oh I'm in pain, it hurts" you have to say why, in the most beautiful and damaging way you can.
I think some great poetry can come from sadness, I woudln't dismiss every sad poem as emo, but you have to go about it differently.
You conveyed the emotion well, but it did just sound like another random emo poem. If you went into depth more on what caused the pain, it would be better. Describe what's causing you agony in vivid detail, and it'll be more likely to be liked by readers. Just a random suggestion, hope it helps. Keep writing!
~Ryllie
First of all, WELCOME TO YWS!
Second of all:
I didn't like it. Actually, I hated it. But don't take it to heart too much--there are way too many first-time members who crank out poems like these and slam them into the forums, so it's our job to fix these poems.
And we do it way too much.
So. What didn't I like about this poem?
Cliche...cliche..cliche cliche cliche clicliclicliclicliclclclclclclclche. passe.
What do I mean?
Pain. Okay. It kills. Do you know how many poems I've read that had something about pain killing the pained writer of the poem?
I would really love to hear something else. Maybe... something more specific. It's not pain that's killing you. It's the realization that your lover doesn't even care for you anymore. It's the argument that you had with your mother before she died. It's your father's cancer, your sister's addiction, your best friend's harshness.
So. Specific. Please.
I would've done a line-by-line commentary on this, but that's too much to write.
I like cynicism. Sorry if this offends you. Actually, I'm just sorry about writing this critique. I truly hoped it helped you see the light.