*Note: This is a christian related topic.*
One ordinary man of shame, guilt, selfishness, and anger stood before a grand, white canvas and a small bucket of bright crimson paint.
He picked up the paint sorrowfully, teary eyed as his white knuckled fists enclose the handle. He dips it down into the paint, and then smears it onto the canvas.
This is for anger.
He dips his hand in again,
This is for shame.
Again.
This is for pain, guilt, sin, and sadness.
His pace begins to speed up, and he takes the paint and smears it with great force and anger onto the canvas. He bangs his hands against it, and he lets out a great sob as he does so.
He collapses onto the floor, and weeps loudly. The canvas is now a deep red, no longer the white it had been.
A man of righteousness then walks up, and stares at the canvas and the man. He picks up a sponge and dips it into water.
The man of perfection then begins to gently wash away the bright red paint, dipping it beneath the water and scrubbing the canvas.
He then takes a dry piece of cloth and wipes the water off of the canvas, making it white as snow.
He kneels beside the ordinary man and lays His hand upon the mans shoulder. The broken man looks up into his soft beautiful eyes and stares in total awe of what he had done.
The righteous man then rises and joins his Father. A flash of sunlight beams upon the broken man, and he smiles up at the Heavens, and cries out,
"Thank you Father!"
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hi Tiger!
I just had to say that this piece is truly radical.
I really appreciate the strong word choice in the story. I'd also like to point out how you correctly used the words "His" and "He" by capitalizing them. Thank you for doing that because that is like my number one pet peeve!!!!
Some things you might want to look at is the sentence: "He kneels beside the ordinary man and lays His hand upon the mans shoulder." I'm pretty sure it would be "man's" because it shows ownership.
I really enjoyed reading this piece!( I know you posted a while back, but a friend recommended it to me)
~ Elephant
Thank you so much for the review! It means a lot to me that you enjoyed what I wrote. Thanks to whomever recommended it, too!
no problem!
Hi there Tigerlilly37.
I'm going to roll around
and cry miserably.
Okay? Okay.
Honestly though, I don't see any mistakes with the piece. I don't know what the crazy people down there are saying about things being wrong but ya know what maybe they're wrong. This was a beautiful piece that nearly made me cry (stupid tear hanging on the corner of my eyeball.) and some people just want to judge and stuff. But this piece was beautiful. And you can keep my tear. His name is Frank.
~Prez. T
Thank you for Frank. It means a lot to me.
Hi! Sunset here, again.
I'm back again to review a wonderful writer!
Lets get started.
I don't see any need to put a capital on "father".
That is pretty much all the typos that I found. Oh, wait. Take that back, there's one more. This happens a lot, I find, so it's not that bad.
Change the "His" to "his".
I love how you add in them painting, and how it resembles them. It's ver discriptive, especially when you say,
What you said her really caught my eye. I believe that this is very meaningful. It's a wonderful story to read aloud, too. This story is sad. Yet at the same time, it is happy and important. Great job, wonderful job.
~Sunset101
Thanks for the advice, though the reason I had capitalized words such as "His" were because I was referring to The Lord. I understand where you are coming from though. Thanks again for taking the time to review me!
Your welcome. It's a common mistake, so I just suspected that yours was too.
Well this is pretty cool.
I love the imagery.
The first thing I can think of to say is that maybe you could add some more detail. Pretty much every paragraph is just one sentence, and that makes it look and read oddly. Right now, you aren't showing nearly as much emotion as you could, and I think the main problem is that this is third person and distant. We don't get to feel the man's pain, you just tell us he's in pain. You do show this through his actions, and you do that pretty well, but I would like to get inside the man's head more.
The easiest way to do this is to go with first person instead of third, but if you don't want to do that (which is totally fine), then go with narrow third person so we can get inside his head morel. This should also serve to add the detail I said was missing.
Other random nitpicks:
No comma necessary, unless you want to say "weeping loudly."
This is a bit oddly worded, at least to me. Perhaps say "full of" instead of "of"?
"Beams" seems really odd as a verb there, though I'm not sure what I would use to replace it. "Beams down upon" might make more sense, though I'm not entirely happy with that either.
One last thing - I wouldn't bother with the extra spacing at the end. Just make a new paragraph and that should be fine. Also, grammatically, "cries out" should have a colon, not a comma, since you're making a new paragraph.
Anyway, great story, hope to hear more soon!
Thanks for the review! I will go back and edit this soon, and this is a great help.
Hello, This is Toady here for a review on this wonderful day!
I really, really liked this piece. It makes excellent use of analogy, but still keeps the message easy to understand, which is a difficult thing to do. I enjoyed reading this and it really does have a lot of meaning, especially in our modern-day life. But, because I am evil, here are a few nitpicks:
"teary eyed as his white knuckled fists enclose the handle"
The phrase 'teary eyed' really does not fit with the rest of the piece's poetic nature. Try something like "as his eyes filled with tears", that really shows, not tells.
"The righteous man then rises and joins his Father, and a flash of sunlight beams upon the broken man, and he smiles up at the Heavens, and cries out, 'Thank you Father!'"
This is a bit of a run-on sentence. Try and make this two or three complete sentences, and it will flow a lot better.
That's all I have for grammar n' stuff, but my main piece of advice for you is to try and spice up your action with some adverbs and adjectives. You do a good job of showing the reader, not telling, but try and make your actions a bit more intricate, and less broad. Once again, I really liked this pice, and you only need to embellish it a bit. Keep writing!
Thanks so much for the review! I will go back and edit this, so it is very helpful that you point out some nitpicks.