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Blurbs Help/Suggestions

by Kokoro


Hi, everyone!

Please help me with my blurbs by giving advice and suggestions on how to improve them.

I would also like to know which story of mine you like to read based on the blurbs.

I'm looking forward to reading your comments, advice, and suggestions.

He's Cute

Jenny's life turns interesting when she sees a cute guy at one of her favorite clothing store: Fashion Queen. Since then her life has been full of color and filled with cuteness. What will she do if that cute guy realizes her secret? Will she lie or be straightforward about it?

Undefeated

Kai is known to be the undefeated and toughest girl in high school. Because of her reputation of being scary, no guy ever dare or try to like her. It all change when a certain guy in school came. Surprisingly, he isn’t afraid of her, unlike the rest.

A World of Magic

Mika, Ela, Jialyn, Gab, and Dina had been gone missing. Unknown to others, they've been transported into a magical world. Where all fantasies and magic begins... a world uncertain, a world you can't forget. Follow their journey.


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Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:57 pm
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Kokoro, and welcome to YWS!

I like the conciseness and traditional formatting of these. I don't have any major qualms with any of them; they seem decently fleshed out and tease at some very interesting plots. I'm going to take it blurb by blurb and give some suggestions on minor things like wording, sentence structure, and information presented to help you edit it. Let's get into it!

First off, He's Cute. I would start by cutting the name of the fashion store from the blurb, since that's a minor detail that doesn't need to be included in the blurb. I would also add a comma after 'then' for grammatical accuracy and either say "full of color and cuteness" or "filled with color and cuteness". That would establish a better rhythm for your sentence and is a little technically nicer.

I would also say that you can cut that last question, since those two options are implied in your first question. She has two options if the cute guy realizes her secret: she can be straightforward, or conceal it. You don't need to spell that out for the reader. In that same vein, I think it'd be beneficial for you to explain a bit more about this secret, or at least give some indication of its nature. Is it a secret involving her relationship? Is it a secret about a friend, or about herself?

Moving onto Undefeated, I think I liked this prompt the best! I would probably cut the undefeated chunk so it just says "Kai is known to be the toughest girl in high school." I think it's a bit catchier and less grammatically confusing. You could also say "Because of this" rather than the long phrase you currently have, and then touch up the grammar a bit so it says "no guy has ever dared to like her" or something similar. Finally, I really enjoyed the ending! It set up a nice contrast and the beginnings of a romance I think I would enjoy reading.

And last but not least, A World of Magic. My biggest concern with this blurb is that you have five main characters. I usually try to keep my main characters at or below four to avoid overwhelming and confusing the reader. Therefore, if you're able to cut one without drastically altering the plot, I'd encourage you to consider it. I would also say "an uncertain world" rather than "world uncertain" just because "world uncertain" jars my ears a bit. I would also cut the "Follow their journey", since that seems like an unnecessary and forced bit. I think you have enough finality on your second to last line that it's not necessary.

I think that about concludes my thoughts! These are all excellent starting points, and I hope the feedback I provided is helpful to you! Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about my review or the site in general. I hope you enjoy your time on YWS!

Best,
Tuck



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Kokoro says...


Thank you so much for your help in giving me advice and suggestions on how to improve my blurbs. They're really helpful and will keep them in mind as I edit my blurbs. I'm happy to know that among the three stories, Undefeated, is the story you'll enjoy reading. Your feedback is helpful. Thank you again! If I have any questions I'll definitely ask you and thank you for welcoming me to YWS! :)



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Tue Aug 18, 2020 5:33 pm
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BlackThorne wrote a review...



He's Cute

Jenny's life turns interesting when she sees a cute guy at one of her favorite clothing store: Fashion Queen. Since then her life has been full of color and filled with cuteness. What will she do if that cute guy realizes her secret? Will she lie or be straightforward about it?

The question at the end, about whether she will lie, isn't needed, and it reads to be unwieldy rather than intriguing. I'd suggest leaving it out. Also, maybe use "find out" instead of "realizes". In my opinion it sounds more dramatic.

Undefeated

Kai is known to be the undefeated and toughest girl in high school. Because of her reputation of being scary, no guy ever dare or try to like her. It all change when a certain guy in school came. Surprisingly, he isn’t afraid of her, unlike the rest.

Some grammatical errors (or maybe just weird wording) in this one. Specifically "no guy ever dare or try to like her" and "It all change", which should be "no guy dares to like her", and "It all changed." I would use "approach" instead of "like" but it's your call. Also, I would move "unlike the rest" to the front of the sentence and cut "surprisingly" to make the last sentence stronger.

A World of Magic

Mika, Ela, Jialyn, Gab, and Dina had been gone missing. Unknown to others, they've been transported into a magical world. Where all fantasies and magic begins... a world uncertain, a world you can't forget. Follow their journey.

I would suggest cutting "unknown to others" and combining the first and second sentences. "Follow their journey" also isn't really needed.

Personally, of these I would the last one because I tend to prefer the fantasy genre, but objectively, the first one seems the most interesting :)



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Kokoro says...


Thank you so much for giving me suggestions and advice about my grammar and how to improve my blurbs. It's really helpful, and I'm keeping in mind all your suggestions and advice. :)



BlackThorne says...


no problem!



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Tue Aug 18, 2020 5:17 pm
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grainne wrote a review...



Hello! These are all intriguing premises, and I'd say they all have various things going for them. I think the first story has the most potential as a novel/novella. It reminds me of the type of story I'd pick up on a lazy summer day from the YA section at my local library. It sounds like a fun read!

The second story seems to have a lot of potential for emotional/ethical nuance and working in some interesting themes. It's a story I'd personally love to see - everyone would write it a little differently.

One of the things I'm passionate about as a writer and editor is that so many YA books right now make it seem like the only way to be a strong woman is by being a mean girl and stepping on the people around you. I'd love to see a story that shows strong women can have other interests, as well - even stereotypically female interests like baking. I'm a girl and I love both lifting weights and sewing clothes - neither of those activities makes me more/less strong as a female. Anyway, this turned into a bit of a rant, but I think that story has a ton of potential for depth and it's the one I'd personally love to read most.

The third story sounds fun as well, but the blurb doesn't seem quite as fleshed out. What's the main conflict in the story? Is it just a fun adventure? Are they transported to the middle of a war? I think adding a little more of a traditional plot or some idea of what makes the characters interesting would make your third blurb more exciting.

Blurbs are hard - you did a good job catching the main premise of a story in a few sentences. I'm excited to see these stories fully written!



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Kokoro says...


Thank you that you like my blurbs. I'm happy to know that, He's Cute, has a potential to be a novel or a novella. Thank you for mentioning that Undefeated is the story you like to read the most. Also, thank you for giving suggestions for A World of Magic's blurb. I find your suggestions really helpful! :)



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Tue Aug 18, 2020 4:47 pm
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luminescence wrote a review...



'Ello Kokoro! Welcome to YWS!

I don't have much to say about this because it's hard to review something short like this, but I'll give it my best go. These are some good ideas, so you definitely have something here. I'd love to see how this evolves, so if you ever do write more about these, please tag me.

I must say that the tough girl trope in the second is very overused, but in my opinion, that should make you strive to write it. If you choose that one, I'd recommend making the main character more than a tough girl. What I mean is: Making her have a personality that's not all "don't mess with me", maybe as she grows with the story she can become a little softer toward people, etc. All of those can help the story not be cliche.

And back up to the first, I don't have much to say because the other reviewer covered what I wanted to ask, but it is very interesting to me.

Last one; why is it unforgettable? Is it because of the magic? But what kind of magic is it? All of these questions can be asked if you want some more detail and consistency. Right now magic is a hot topic of stories, so you want yours to be different and stand out. (I should mention that I love the names in the last blurb! Very cool!)

I hope this is helpful - Hopefully, not rude though.

Axi.



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Kokoro says...


Thank you for welcoming me to YWS! Thank you also for your comments and it is helpful for me. And thank you for your suggestions! I appreciate them a lot. :)



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Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:14 pm
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VioletFantasy says...



I’d say the first one intrigued me the most! These are all wonderful ideas though. I think I’m drawn to that one in particular because you mentioned Jenny has a secret. Now I really want to know what that secret is!! Things like that help get readers’ attentions. Oh, and welcome to YWS! If you ever need help or have any questions, feel free to contact me!



Random avatar
Kokoro says...


Thank you so much for your comment. I'm happy to know you like the first one the most. And thank you for welcoming me to YWS! I'll definitely contact you if I need help and have some questions :)




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