Published January 18, 2010
What care I for shining tresses,
Long, dark rivers flowing free?
Oh, I’ve got a knack for swimming,
But only in the open sea.
What care I for eyes that sparkle,
Precious gems that tempt the soul?
I’ve an eye for glinting riches,
But a love for eyes like coal.
What care I for boundless beauty,
Endless grace or sweetened smiles?
Oh, I’ve got a taste for sugar—
But only from your lips to mine.
Oh, the world’s a place of beauty,
And the heart’s a fevered eye;
Like’s a word I use for pretty—
But Love—to only you applies.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
I love the moral! I give you three-four stars!
Yeah, I thought this was quite good! Your first verse, I thought, was especially good.
I honestly would never have thought of rhyming free with sea. You did a great job, and the entire poem flows and makes sense, which a lot of songs we hear nowadays don't
Great work, I did like the entire thing, by the way, but I thought that the first verse was a work of art!
Hey KnightlyAngel09!
This poem was great, especially your use of adjectives and wording. I like the rhyming scheme too - it fits the poem. There are some phrases such as "sweetened smiles" that are a bit cliche, but it doesn't really affect the whole thing.
One thing that I want to point out is that you used the word 'eye' a few times there. Try to find another word for replacement, otherwise it'll get redundant.
However, this was really lovely. I look forward to more.
Keep writing!
Hello! I agree with the others that the meter and the choice of words is quite nice. There are one or two places that feel slightly wooden, but a little tweaking should solve them (if you choose). In particular, the first stanza has a line that has a cliche expression I think you should nix:
It doesn't carry the grace shown in the rest of the poem. Also, one other line I would change is the third stanza with the bit about lips of sugar. Here's another cliche (ever heard of "Lips Like Sugar" by Echo and the Bunnymen?) that I think needs some mending.
All the above should be considered little things. The rest I liked immensely–"fevered eye" and "glinting riches" are a fantastic use of adjectives.
Thanks for sharing this with us!
–antimelrose
This is absolutely beautiful and well written. Good job!
Wow, I think this is brilliantly well written!
I can't really comment on the technical side of this, as I'm no poet, but image wise you've conveyed vivid images continuously throughout and that's enough to win my love for your poem. I'd go for the word "flawless."
Well done!
*Likes*
Ben.
Angel!
This may be a touch cliche, but it's well written. So, naturally, I'm in love with it.
I love how every time I expect something from you, you exceed my expectations.
Howeverrrr, I think in the second stanza "eyes" is repeated a lot, maybe a little too much to be enjoyed, and I cannot think of a synonymous word that can replace it (so this may be useless to point out).
I love your closing! I commonly find that with shorter poems, a lot of people have a difficult time closing it, but you seem to always do it well, excellently, even, and I really enjoy that. It's very enjoyable to read. All I can say is, two thumbs up and a like for you.
June
Hello,
I really liked this! Your rhymes wern't forced and your rhythm was regular. The title had me a little confused to begin with because I thought this would be a rant and rave about someone you didn't like as a pose to someone you love. But any how maybe thats the effect you wanted. The only problem I had with this was a couple of the cliché phrases.
'eyes like coal'
'Endless grace or sweetened smiles'
These phrases are similar to some that are very overused. But I found my self not really caring because they fit so well and I think the cliché fit well with the subject. Because the cliché phrases were describing someone who was just pretty.
But anyway, I'm rambling. Well Done,
This was an enjoyable read. A gold star or should I say a 'like' for you.
~Lydia