We were reduced to nothing more than airy globes
that barely twinkled while the earth below
was washed in darkness.
We were contented at being pretty
and winking at mortals who searched the heavens
for a ray of hope.
We affixed ourselves into the limitless sky and
burned up so brightly that nobody ever wanted
to be near us again.
And all we really ever wanted
was to know how it felt
up there.
---
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I love this. I'm working on a poem like this now but mines is much more emo!
I like how you ended it up there. I often think about how it is up there and wish my girl and I can live together forever as starts. Keep up the awesome work!!
You have nice imagery and descriptions, I liked "airy globes", but it seems like you don't go very far with this idea. The ending is a proper ending, don't add onto that or anything, but I think you could flesh it out more in the middle.
I'm definitely feeling a lot of melancholy here, sort of like they sinned to become what they are and regret it. Maybe you could elaborate on how they became stars?
It also seems as if this poem isn't a flowing thought but rather sections, and since it's so short this doesn't work. First they state something they were, and then another thing they were, and then what they did, and then why they did it all. It just feels like you're rushing through the story.
~Aet
Hey there!
So, I do like this poem. You've touched on a really nice idea here, and you've done some used some nice ideas to illustrate it. However, as people have said before, I think that you need to get deeper into the story that you've started here. If you get deeper into it then your poem will start to become more than just nice, it'll become really interesting. Just expand on all your ideas and make it deeper than it already is. Bump the poem up to it's full potential!
Hope I helped!
~Amy
Hey there Knightly knight. Lily at your service. *bows*
I know that Jiggity made a comment about this but I figured I would give my own opinion. Because I think it would sound better if you just said: “content with”
What Jiggity said here is completely true. I have this same problem when I write poetry which is why I gave up on it. But that doesn’t mean that you should give up. It just means finding a way to focus on the subject and giving the poem more depth. Take that idea and write down every little idea you could add to it, then just keep adding on.
~lilymoore
We were reduced to nothing more than airy globes
that barely twinkled while the earth below
washed in darkness
--
Keep the tense in the past or present.
There's really not much happening in this stanza. You seem to touch on ideas, but never really explore them. That's the biggest issue i have with this piece entire.
The last two stanzas are the best, I think. I like some of the notions here, but you should really delve into them more. It's too thin, as is. But certainly, I liked the sentiment.