You smell like cigarettes
and the cheap perfume
that keeps you company all night.
Your hands shake
when you light a fire but I
still manage to catch a spark.
You burn me like a pack of Golds
and inhale me
into your hollow chest.
And I’m not sure if you love me,
or if I’m just a vice that gets you through the night.
You smell like cigarettes
and the kisses that you consume
with every stick.
Your hands shake
as you light a fire;
but you douse the spark between you and I.
You burn me like your pack of Golds,
and press my ashes within
your hollow heart.
And I think you love me,
but I’m not the cheap perfume that’ll only last a night.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I really like your poem espacially its simplicity and the repetition of lines. I love the last stanza!
Your poem is really nice and I hope to read many of your other poems!
Keep 'em coming!
Great poem with a great idea running it. Your spelling was good along with your grammar. Imagery: Good. The words flowed as smoothly as the idea. Keep writing.
Tyler.
Hi KnightlyAngel09,
This was such a great poem! It truly was. It was simple to read, yet you kept persistant with the message you were trying to get across, and you did get the message across, an absolute accomplishment! I loved how you kept comparing yourself and your relationship to that of your boyfriend and a cigarette. The comparison made perfect sense, and I thought it was the best comparison I have ever read!
The emotive language was perfect, it was stong and rightfully sensitive about the relationship the poem speaks of. It had a fiery element to it, something that was hiding something deeper - sadness? dissapointment maybe?
Perfect job. Best wishes for future writing!
#BF0000 ">RedLeaf
General impression: Good!
I like your style. Although you didn't use many words, I got an image of the speaker and the whole situation.
What I really liked was the sense of desperation in the beginning that changed into determined hope in the end.
A tiny little thing that bothered me was this:
"Your hands shake
when you light a fire but I
still manage to catch a spark."
I had to read this stanza twice, since I didn't really catch that it was the speaker who smokes here and gets fire from the other person (it is a him the speaker is talking about, right?) at first.
Otherwise, great work!
I like your poem, Knightly.
The repetition worked well for the dual versions of the story and the analogies were interesting. One little gripe of mine is that you said in the first stanza that she smells like her perfume. I thought that was a bit unrevealing. Otherwise nice job.