Unloved

by KitxKat

Published June 19, 2010

This is something new I'm trying out

Yes, I know there's a well-known character named Jace, and a species called Fey

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Fey. Strange and Eccentric. It’s what we’re known as, vampire and werewolf mix, the hidden race, the unloved. We’re all hidden away on the unknown island of Sekryu, once under the strong regiment of the late King Darwin and Queen Stephana. My parents. Of course, Fey aren’t the only speices on the island. There were vampires, werewolves and normal humans.

I sat in my cell in the Sekryu Jail. The clichéd, gray walls mocked me, teasing voices floated in my head. Poor, poor Amira, killed her parents. I shut my eyes; let myself float into the darkness. Lucky for me, they’d execute me in the morning. I’d been sitting in the same spot for more than three days, barley moving, never sleeping. Two apples rolled around in my cell. They were what the guards outside thought was a ‘satisfying meal’ I had barely touched them, still annoyed at myself. Why would I snap? I killed my parents. I rolled my eyes. I knew I didn’t snap. It took lots of planning to be able to end the unfair reign. A knock rang out into the room. I looked up, focusing on the door. I opened my mouth to talk for the first time. My voice came out dry and whispery

“Come in, if you can.” The jangle of keys in the lock, a muttering of words and the door flew open. A light blinded my eyes and squeezed them shut. I raised my hands in front of my eyes.

“Fallen Princess Amira?” The voice was male, curt and cool.

“Shut the damn door.” I hissed. The door shut and I lowered my arms.

“Thank you.” I said, “And I’m not a Princess anymore. I’m just Amira, a cold, heartless killer.” “That is where you are wrong,” he said.

“I’m Jace. You are coming with me.”

“No. Thank you, Jace.” I said, “I think I’d like to be executed.”

“You want to die?” He asked. My slowly ran my eyes over his, committing his appearance to memory. His hair was dark, falling into his eyes. He wore a worn tee, his jeans old and holey.

“Yes.” I said. I wasn’t sure of my answer, I wasn’t sure of anything, except for I wanted to curl up and wait. “Well, you can still die, but we need you first.” Jace said. “I’m the leader of the Sekryu resistance. The poor people want to be treated fairly. We could use you.” I crossed my arms over the sack I was wearing for clothes.

“Let’s go.” I said. Jace opened the door, letting the light blaze in. I lowered my eyelids, blocking out some of the light.

“It’s torchlight. It’s about midnight.” Jace said,

“It won’t hurt you.”

“One question.” I said. Jace turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

“What?” He asked “What are you? Vampire, Werewolf, Fey, both?” I asked. A half smile formed on his face.

“My dear, fallen, princess, everyone has one secret.” He said and lead me away.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Junglelover
Review
Junglelover wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2010

Hi kitx!

Of course, Fey aren’t the only species on the island.

You spelled species wrong,you spelled it like this speices.

“Thank you.” I said, “And I’m not a Princess anymore. I’m just Amira, a cold, heartless killer.” “That is where you are wrong,” he said.

Should be like this, “Thank you.” I said, “And I’m not a Princess anymore. I’m just Amira, a cold, heartless killer.”
“That is where you are wrong,” he said.
End the paragraph once she's done talking, before he starts.

My slowly ran my eyes over his, committing his appearance to memory.

I don't know what your trying to say, I think you mean 'I slowly'

“Let’s go.” I said. Jace opened the door, letting the light blaze in. I lowered my eyelids, blocking out some of the light.


I would put, 'I thought the statement over before say, Let's go." Just an opinion.

“It’s torchlight. It’s about midnight.” Jace said,

I'm not sure what Jace is trying to say...

“What?” He asked “What are you? Vampire, Werewolf, Fey, both?” I asked. A half smile formed on his face.

End the paragraph once someone less starts talking.

I think your doing a good job! keep up the good work! :D

Jungle

User avatar
kr1117
Comment
kr1117 commented Comment · Jun 21, 2010

Hey Kit!

In this, I didn't find many flaws, except the part that was mentioned earlier. I love how you take the vampire and werewolf craze that's going on and change it into something your own. Can't wait for more! (:

User avatar
MyBloodsInk Review
MyBloodsInk wrote a review Review · Jun 19, 2010

I think its a refrershing tale from some of the werewolf vampire stories going around all over teh web. (So yes I agree with you garbriella) It's just a little bit confusing the set up. I had to read some parts over trying to find out who was talking. But other than that it started out really good, and you should continue.

~MyBloodsInk

User avatar
gabriella
Review
gabriella wrote a review Review · Jun 19, 2010

Hello there!

So I love your idea. With some much vampire vs. werewolf stuff going around, it's nice to see one where a person can be a mix. The way it starts is really good. I feel like I already understand what I'm getting into. Personally, though, I'd like to see maybe a flashback of how Amira (great name-btw) killed her parents or go into more detail on why, but that's just me.

“What?” He asked “What are you? Vampire, Werewolf, Fey, both?” I asked. A half smile formed on his face.


This part is a little confusing. It took me a minute to figure who was saying what. Maybe try separating it a little?
Altogether, I can not wait to read more!

-Gabriella



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners