Nikolina

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

here I come from, everything is gold. Gold crowns, gold necklaces, golden bars. Gold wasn’t me. Gold wasn’t my color. Every little girl dreams of being a princess. They imagine gray mares, noble steeds, knights in shining armour. Those weren’t me.

“Nikolina!” the queen, my mother, Ingrid, called. She said something in Norwegian, ordering me down stairs. I picked up the skirts of the dress I am required to wear, revealing bare feet. I ran down the stairs.

“Now, Nikolina!” the King, my father Nikolai, booms, “Counsel room.” I pass the portraits of my father’s parents and my mothers parents. I had seem them all before. Sixteen years in the same castle. I had explored every crevice. I needed something new. Something different.

I entered the room and faced my parents. My mother, small and delicate, was beaming. My father, tall, broad and quiet, was faintly smiling. I curtsied.

“Mama, Papa.” I said.

“Nikolina.” My mother said, “Sit down.” I pulled out a chair and watch my parents.

“My darling,” My father starts, “we have noticed you are a little inpatient with the castle.”

“So,” Mama cut him off, “instead, how would you like to go to America for school?” My jaw dropped, very unladylike.

“America?” I asked.

“New York.” My father clarified.

“I’d love to.” I said, “Thank you.”

“A boarding school?” My mother asked, “You’d want to go to a boarding school.”

“Of course.” I said. “Thank you.” I curtsied and ran out of the room. America.

Corrections
~
“What are those?” I asked pointing forward; Rick held his hand up as one of the puffballs slowed down and laid right in his hand.
C: "What are those?" I ask, pointing forward. Rick holds his hand up as one of the puffballs slowed down and laid right in his hand.

Explanation: The semicolon makes the sentence too long and and awkward as well. You also used present and past tense which is quite confusing, so I fixed it to present tense unless you are going for past tense. Pointing, the present tense, and held the past tense makes it confusing for the reader.

“Well when you live in a village
C: Add a semicolon after well.

a hard dived toward
C: I think you already notice the problem with this.

as I conversed with my old Kendo teachers I look over at Rick and Marl who stood idly by the Nimbus.
C: Capitalize this sentence.

“It's nice to meet you; I see where Hikaru gets his fighting skills from.”
C: Unnecessary semicolon. Split up the sentence.

"Ok I can do this; all I need is to focus.” I quietly said to myself"
C: Unnecessary semicolon.


Observations
~
I saw Rick begin to smile as we slowly sped up on the nimbus.
O: Clearly she does see him smile, unless she is blind.I suggest taking this out completely but of course it's your call.


“Hey Hikaru,” A familiar voice asked.
O: So, is he questioning him or not? Because there is no question mark. And if there was it would look like this: "Hey Hikaru?" A familiar voice asked. Which is still wrong considering the reader knows he is asking something. Is this guy greeting the character or asking a literal question?

“ Kyo, and you're asking me, I was about to ask you the same thing!” I ran up to him and hugged, I then looked for the second figure.
O: Overall, this sentence just looks awkward. It bounces all over the place and doesn't stay consistent whatsoever. Here's a fix.

"Kyo, that's a funny question! I was about to ask you the same thing." I ran up to him and gave him a bear hug. I then looked around for the second figure.

“Hikaru, how have you been?” a somewhat deep voice asked.

“Hey Mr.Gyo,
O: Seems like this Mr. Gyo guy came into the conversation a little bit too quick. That is just my opinion though.

Kyo walked to a more open part of the stone platform and closed his eyes and put his hands out in front of him, with the small moment of silence came a rumbling sound and suddenly a pillar of stone shot from the ground and surprised us all.
O: This leaves me hungering for more imagery. It was too sudden. Here's an example of using more imagery in this:
Kyo walked to a vacant area of the stone platform etched with the emblems of(idk, add something here?). His pupils dilated like that of a cat's and his hands began to convulse.
Kyo tilted his head backward, the sunlight illuminating one half of his face. At that moment, time seemed incline to stop just in this moment in appreciation for Kyo. The ground before him began to shake and he directed his hands downward to the ground, making motions as if he were pulling on a rope. A pillar of stone erupted before him, and he laughed at the sight of it and at the amazement of his friends.

“WHOA,
O: I don't think you need to put this in caps. That is just me though.

Mr.Gyo paused for a bit, as he looked us all over.
O: All over? The word choice here sounds very odd.


Overall
~
I only bothered to read half of it, although the theme I noticed that was very consistent in this chapter was the lack of imagery and the odd grammar. The way you worded things in here sounds awkward. The storyline itself is good but other things need to be improved.

Hope I helped!

Hi.

First off, I really like your start. It drew me in and seemed lovely, so naturally I wanted to keep reading.

She said something in Norwegian, ordering me down stairs. I picked up the skirts of the dress I am required to wear, revealing bare feet. I ran down the stairs.

“Now, Nikolina!” the King, my father Nikolai, booms, “Counsel room.”

“I’d love to.” I said, “Thank you.”

Hi!

Overall, this is a fairly good piece, but improvements could definitely be made.

You might want to do some background work. Like, I know that she doesn't like being a princess, but why? And if not princess-y, what is she like, does she like? Also, what does she look like? Does she have any siblings, or friends? What does she like to do in here spare time? These don't all have to be answered right away, but are all important in your character development.

But I liked this. Mind PMing me when the next chapter is out? Thanks.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

Hiya!

First, I really like this premise. You could go far with it.

Here are a few "big picture" ideas that I would think about.

Norwegian? There are a couple problems I see with your princess coming from a real place. Like the fact that you might have to do research on the actual monarchy in Norway to find out thier traditions (in the past or present depending on what time period you set your story in) For example, if you set this in current day your reader might not believe that stuff like this actually goes on in Norway, and you do not want to develop a credibility problem with your reader. And if you set it in the past, well that requires an abundancy of research of not only norway but also America, and thats alot of work. A solution to this problem is to make up your own land. (Ex. Genova in the Princess Diaries) That way you can make up whatever traditions/customs/world you want and the readers wont question you, and you wont have a credibility problem. You also wont be limited by the current or past reality or have to do tedious reseach.

If she is the princess of Norway, dont you think she and her parents would speak Norwegian with each other? The key here is consistency, you want your story to be believable. You could fix this problem by prefacing the conversation with a sentence like this "When translated to english the conversation sounded something like..." or alternativley you could just set the the story in your own world, and they could speak english there of course

Its really important to make your characters reaction believeable. I am not quite getting that impression when Nikolina (love the name by the way ) reacts to her parents offer. If I was in Nikolina position and offered boarding school in America, I would be too excited to move, and have a million questions. However, maybe that is not how Nikolina would react. The trick here is getting to know you character, and then deciding what would be the appropriate reaction for her. Pretend Nikolina is your best friend, get to know her inside and out.

If you need anymore help, feel free to PM me.

Keep Writing!

This doesn't exactly reveal anything to use about the MC except she doesn't want to be at the castle

P.S
I think you could make a good StoryBook out of this. If you do let me know.

“Nikolina!” the queen, my mother, Ingrid, called.

I also really liked this. I'm a sucker when it comes to princess stories but this was good. Wanting to not be a princess instead of dreaming of becoming one is a newer idea. So I like the idea, but now I must critique.

She said something in Norwegian, ordering me down stairs

This is pretty good, my only suggestion is giving your main character some more personality. Of course, that could develop later in the story also, when she isn't so "tied down" by the whole princess thing. Another thing--would she really be curtseying to her parents? They may be king and queen, but they're still family after all. Just some things to consider, but I'd like to read some more of this, I'm curious about where it'll go.

Overall very good. I only have a couple of suggestions.

KitxKat wrote:[b] I pass the portraits of my father’s parents and my mothers parents. I had seem them all before.

KitxKat wrote:[b]
Sixteen years in the same castle. I had explored every crevice. I needed something new. Something different.