Published July 19, 2010
I wrote this about a boy I met at a camp I just came back from. I wanted to try a lovey-dovey-gross-icky feel to it, so yeah.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,626 Literary Works • 673,567 Reviews
Hey,
For a lovey dovey piece this is really good.
I had a tune playing in my head whilst reading this so the lyrics aspect really works.
All my nit picks were covered by Lava so I have nothing more to add.
Well done.
~Retro Disco666
Hello Kit!
Well, this is pretty sweet, however I'm sure you can do better.
The lyrics are pretty cliched, and I don't mean the theme. The chorus is okay.
Both the lines start with a 'now' and they clash in my head. Try rephrasing the former line.
I didn't like this bit, to be honest. It seemed forced and something that you put in out of the need to put these thoughts on paper. This is very cliched, including the words/flow used. I would suggest you rephrase this entire stanza.
Also, it's a little short. One more stanza would be better.
Hope to've helped.
~Lava
Hello there
I thought I would do the honours. I don't think that there is ever anything to correct in someone else's lyric because whatever you write goes along with the beat of the song, so I'll just comment. I thought that these were as you said before, 'lovey-dovey-gross-icky!'. I loved this, very cute and subtle and sweet. I thought they were written well even though it's about something really common, but then again, love is a never ending story
Good job.