Well, I'm definitely excited that your vampires don't sparkle
I ran after the girl, unfurling my whip with a hiss.
Is the whip making a hissing sound, or is the main character hissing?
Papers fluttered to the ground, and settled around us. We are in a back hallway, away from the classes.
How far did they run? You made it seem like they didn't run for very long, but suddenly they're away from the classes? Maybe you should describe the chase scene a little more.
She laughed at me again, that horrible, liting laugh.
I think you mean "lilting."
She stops and brings my wrist closer to her nose, inhaling deeply. I wrench my wrist away and bring it to my tongue. I hold my breath as I lick my wound, watching the girl’s expression change from contemptment to horror and disgust.
Why would the girl be disgusted when the main character licks her wrist? She is, after all, a vampire. So why would that seem disgusting to her?
My fingers tighten around my whip, my primary weapon, and with difficulty, I stand up and flick my wrist, making my whip curl around her wrists. She screeched and moved her arms so that my whip flew out of my hands. She ripped her hands free and my whip went to pieces. I felt tears fill my eyes and I forced them back, remembering what many of my teachers would tell me.
There's way too much repetition of "my whip" here. You should also describe why she's so upset about the whip being broken. Most people don't have tears in their eyes after something breaks. Is the whip special to her? A gift, maybe?
On a whim, a reach out and grab the girl’s arm. I pull her toward me and drive my dagger into her heart. It’s a dagger made out of emery and diamond, the two substances that, when put together, can kill a vampire.
She stabs her... on a whim? You don't just stab someone on a whim. I would cut that phrase out. I do like the fact that emery and diamond can kill a vampire. I haven't heard that one before. Interesting.
Okay, so far Larissa's had a vision, gotten a message from a vampire's "master," and killed said vampire. Not bad for the first three chapters! I can't wait to see how this all fits together. You should pay attention to your tenses, though. That's one of your biggest weaknesses. Pick one tense and make sure you stick to it. Right now, you keep switching between present tense and past tense, and that makes it confusing for the reader. Even more detail would be better, too. We still don't know a lot about Larissa, or about the Vampire Academy. And how did a vampire get into a school filled with people in training to kill them? That just doesn't seem very realistic.
Good job, though! I really like this.
Points: 8009
Reviews: 93
Donate