z

Young Writers Society



Huntress~3

by KitxKat


3

I ran after the girl, unfurling my whip with a hiss.

“What was that?” I yelled. She laughed, a light, twinkling sound. It was scary enough to make me shiver. I drop my bag and push it behind me with a foot.

“Just a sweet little message from my master.” The girl dropped everything she was carrying and stared at me. Papers fluttered to the ground, and settled around us. We are in a back hallway, away from the classes. I back up and grab my small knife that is always secreted in my bag.

“Who is that?” I ask, raising an imperious eyebrow. She seemed to grow older. Her white blond hair shortened and her nails grew. She was, without a doubt, a vampire.

I grasp my knife with sweaty fingers. She laughed at me again, that horrible, liting laugh.

She lunged at me, grabbing my wrist. She pulls me around, her nails tearing into my skin. Scarlet drips of blood, my blood, fall on the floor, creating little designs on the floor. She stops and brings my wrist closer to her nose, inhaling deeply. I wrench my wrist away and bring it to my tongue. I hold my breath as I lick my wound, watching the girl’s expression change from contemptment to horror and disgust. I wipe my wrist on my blazer. Then I bring my knife up and force it underneath her neck.

“Sing like a bird.” I say. She shakes her head. She brings back her elbow and elbows me in the stomach. I clutch my stomach in agony. My fingers tighten around my whip, my primary weapon, and with difficulty, I stand up and flick my wrist, making my whip curl around her wrists. She screeched and moved her arms so that my whip flew out of my hands. She ripped her hands free and my whip went to pieces. I felt tears fill my eyes and I forced them back, remembering what many of my teachers would tell me. Never show weakness. Cry in front of a victim and you’re done. The voices echo through my head.

I grasp the knife tighter, again aware that I’m holding it. On a whim, a reach out and grab the girl’s arm. I pull her toward me and drive my dagger into her heart. It’s a dagger made out of emery and diamond, the two substances that, when put together, can kill a vampire.

She screamed, one final gut twisting, heart wrenching scream. Blood spurts onto my blazer, and I’m covered in it, my uniform gone.

I wrench the knife out and let the body fall, grabbing my bag. I blindly make my way to my weaponry class. I feel shattered. I had just taken a life. Never show weakness. Screw my Professors. Tears fall down my face, in remorse and shame.

I push the glass door leading to the arena we use as weaponry class.

“Oh. My. God. Larissa, what happened?” the professor, Mistress Nora runs up beside me and leads me to a hard wooden bench.

“Sit.” She tells me. I obey and remove my bloody blazer. Then I reaccount the story, my Mistress listening intently.

“Let me see the blade.” She says. I hand it over, and Nora brushes her boyishly short hair out of her face, examining my blade. With a smile, she give it back.

“You just killed your first vampire.” She tells me proudly. She pats me on the back, like a mother praising her child.

“So why do I feel like crap?” I ask. Nora raised an eyebrow.

“Because she was your first one. You’ll feel bad for the first few times.” She tells me. “Can I get you anything?”

“Some tea? A new whip? A different life?” I ask. I pull my bloody shirt away from where it’s sticking to my stomach.

“Let me tell you what.” Nora begins, “I’ll take you to my weapon vault, then you go upstairs and change, and I’ll work on the life thing, okay?” I nod, semi-cheered up.

The vault is massive. It has weapons to cater to every person in the academy. Nora takes me to the whip section and she lets me try them out. None of them feel right. She hands me a beautiful golden whip, much like my old one. I test it out.

“Perfect.” I purr, feeling like my old self. Nora pushes me toward the door.

“Run along.” She told me. “You look like you need sleep.” I nod my thanks and exit the vault, my new whip in my bag.

I hurry back to my dorm and shower eagerly, attempting to wash to the blood off me. Then I curl up in bed, more than happy to end the day.


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93 Reviews


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Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:41 pm
MagnusBane wrote a review...



Well, I'm definitely excited that your vampires don't sparkle :D

I ran after the girl, unfurling my whip with a hiss.


Is the whip making a hissing sound, or is the main character hissing?

Papers fluttered to the ground, and settled around us. We are in a back hallway, away from the classes.


How far did they run? You made it seem like they didn't run for very long, but suddenly they're away from the classes? Maybe you should describe the chase scene a little more.

She laughed at me again, that horrible, liting laugh.


I think you mean "lilting." :)

She stops and brings my wrist closer to her nose, inhaling deeply. I wrench my wrist away and bring it to my tongue. I hold my breath as I lick my wound, watching the girl’s expression change from contemptment to horror and disgust.


Why would the girl be disgusted when the main character licks her wrist? She is, after all, a vampire. So why would that seem disgusting to her?

My fingers tighten around my whip, my primary weapon, and with difficulty, I stand up and flick my wrist, making my whip curl around her wrists. She screeched and moved her arms so that my whip flew out of my hands. She ripped her hands free and my whip went to pieces. I felt tears fill my eyes and I forced them back, remembering what many of my teachers would tell me.


There's way too much repetition of "my whip" here. You should also describe why she's so upset about the whip being broken. Most people don't have tears in their eyes after something breaks. Is the whip special to her? A gift, maybe?

On a whim, a reach out and grab the girl’s arm. I pull her toward me and drive my dagger into her heart. It’s a dagger made out of emery and diamond, the two substances that, when put together, can kill a vampire.


She stabs her... on a whim? You don't just stab someone on a whim. I would cut that phrase out. I do like the fact that emery and diamond can kill a vampire. I haven't heard that one before. Interesting. :)

Okay, so far Larissa's had a vision, gotten a message from a vampire's "master," and killed said vampire. Not bad for the first three chapters! I can't wait to see how this all fits together. You should pay attention to your tenses, though. That's one of your biggest weaknesses. Pick one tense and make sure you stick to it. Right now, you keep switching between present tense and past tense, and that makes it confusing for the reader. Even more detail would be better, too. We still don't know a lot about Larissa, or about the Vampire Academy. And how did a vampire get into a school filled with people in training to kill them? That just doesn't seem very realistic.

Good job, though! I really like this. :)




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Sun Mar 07, 2010 10:01 pm
Merlin34 wrote a review...



This was interesting. It's nice to see a vampire story that actually involves KILLING THEM, and not falling for them. Now, onto the meat of the review.

The grammar didn't have any problems I saw, but the flow seemed off, and it wasn't clear what was happening. There were also glaring changing in tense.

I ran after the girl, unfurling my whip with a hiss.

“What was that?” I yelled. She laughed, a light, twinkling sound. It was scary enough to make me shiver. I drop my bag and push it behind me with a foot.

Okay... one second she's running and the next she's stopped?

“Who is that?” I ask, raising an imperious eyebrow. She seemed to grow older. Her white blond hair shortened and her nails grew. She was, without a doubt, a vampire.

At first, you say, "I ask". That's present tense. Then you say "shortened". That's past tense. Also, "white blond" hair is an oxymoron. "Light blond" would be the word to use.

Scarlet drips of blood, my blood, fall on the floor, creating little designs on the floor.

Drops of blood, not drips. Also, "my blood" is redundant, since the character was just stabbed.

I wrench the knife out and let the body fall, grabbing my bag. I blindly make my way to my weaponry class. I feel shattered. I had just taken a life. Never show weakness. Screw my Professors. Tears fall down my face, in remorse and shame.

I push the glass door leading to the arena we use as weaponry class.

Wait, wut? Was the fight near this arena?


Blood spurts onto my blazer, and I’m covered in it, my uniform gone.

What uniform? The blazer? Can't she wash it?

None of them feel right.

Show, don't tell. Why don't they feel right? Is the balance off? Are the handles too heavy or uncomfortable? You're missing an opportunity for a potentially cool scene.

The other aspects of the story were solid. There was a good amount of emotion, which I liked, and it's nice to see a vampire killer who actually feels remorse for once.

-Merlin34





"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore