z

Young Writers Society



Huntress~1

by KitxKat


1

Vampire History. Also known as the most boring class at the Kísértet Academy, raising Vampire Hunters since 1547. My friend Pippa nudges me wit her elbow, with an eye roll.

I adjust my uniform skirt, army green and black plaid, and stare at our teacher, Master Blake. He’s droning on about something, probably the Great Vampire battle of 1777 and wildly gesturing with his hands.

“Larissa, come up here.” I snap my head up and step out of my desk. I push my hair out of my eyes and awkwardly stand at the front.

“Megan, Ami and Christopher, up here, too please.” He instructs. The three join me, the twins, Ami and Chris, locking eyes. Chris stands next to me, arms folded, rebel-without-a-cause attitude.

“We are going to act something out.” Master Blake says. His brown eyes are gleaming with excitement or mischief. He positions us so we are representing the two clans, Dark Mist and Scarlet Moon.

“Now, The Scarlet Moon clan were very pissed at the Dark Mist. Who know why?” Master Blake asks. Pippa bites her tongue. Everything surrounding me is slowly turning black. I know I fall back and enter the state of when I have a vision.

Everything is shadowy and black. A damp fog surrounds me as I walk. Outfitted in black leather, my coiled whip at my hip, my hair in a tight braid, I look every bit as badass as Catwoman.

I hear the luring hiss of a rattlesnake. Immeadtly, I feel calm. Snakes and Vampire Hunters go together like horses and oats.

I keep walking. Usually these visions have a point. The smoke clears and I’m standing on a bridge. It’s midday, and nothing seems out of place. Something bad would happen.

I watch as a harried young lady passes me, not seeing me. Then a glimmering white hand reaches out and grabs her, She screams.

I’m bought out of my dream-like state to have the whole class staring at me.

“Holy Shit.” I stutter out. Chris rests a hand on my forehead.

“No fever.” He said. He moves on to check my vital signs. He proclaims me fine.

“Ami, go get Janelle.” Chris told his sister. Ami dashes off. Janelle is the school headmistress.

Ami returns with Janelle. Janelle is clutching a small blue satin bag. She pulls a small glass vial of a deep violet liquid. I drink it, feeling it hot and cold at the same time.

“What did you see?” Janelle asks me. I recount my vision with deep gasping breaths. Janelle stands up. Today, she is wearing a white pantsuit and amber teardrop earrings. Her hand at her hips, her chestnut hair in a carefully twisted bun, she looks imposing, powerful. There is nothing that could stop her.

“Take her back to her room.” Janelle told Ami. Pippa jumps up to help.

Together, they gently lift and support me to the girls dorms. I’m shivering. My legs feel like jelly.

“That must have been disturbing.” Pippa says. Ami flashes her a ‘No shit’ look. Ami lays me on my bed.

“Sleep.” She says and leaves to join Pippa back in class.

The problem is, of course, is that I can’t sleep. It’s the middle of the day; lunch would be soon, with another couple hours of classes.

I lay on my back. I shut my eyes, open them and shut my eyes again. My hands were shaking, but I grabbed my whip and slipped in thought my belt. Then I tightened the laces on my converse high-tops and exited, fully intending on retuning to class.

“You’re gonna have to learn how to control them.” Janelle’s sweet voice fills the silent air around me. I sigh.

“I know.” I say, rolling my eyes.

“My office, nine o’clock.” Janelle said. I nod and walk away, feeling sick.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 8009
Reviews: 93

Donate
Sun Mar 07, 2010 5:12 pm
MagnusBane wrote a review...



I liked this piece. It's interesting, and it seems like it's going to be a cool story. :D I did notice a couple of things that you can improve, though.

Also known as the most boring class at the Kísértet Academy


Honestly, I'm not sure how to pronounce this name. There's too many accents. There's nothing wrong with making up your names in fantasy stories, but you should make sure they're not too distracting to the reader. If you have to stop and try to figure out how to pronounce it, the flow of the story is interrupted. Maybe you should change it a simpler name? Or take out the accents, at the very least.

My friend Pippa nudges me wit her elbow, with an eye roll.


Like Tanya said, this sentence doesn't flow very well. You could rephrase it so it's "My friend Pippa rolls her eyes and nudges me with her elbow," or something like that. Also, I'm having a hard time imagining a Vampire Hunter named Pippa. It makes me think of a naive, cheerful little girl, not a hunter.

“Now, The Scarlet Moon clan were very pissed at the Dark Mist. Who know why?” Master Blake asks.


The word "pissed" seems out of place here. Teachers usually don't use swear words in front of their class.

Then a glimmering white hand reaches out and grabs her, She screams.


You lost me here. Where did the hand come from?

“No fever.” He said. He moves on to check my vital signs. He proclaims me fine.


Why is Chris examining her? Shouldn't it be the teacher's job to take charge and make sure she's okay, not another student?

“Take her back to her room.” Janelle told Ami.


You just changed tenses here. Since the rest of the story is in present tense, it should be "Jannelle tells Ami."

“You’re gonna have to learn how to control them.” Janelle’s sweet voice fills the silent air around me. I sigh.


Where is Janelle? Does she walk into the room, or it just her voice coming from the air?

Overall, not a bad start. The Vampire Hunters are interesting, and so is the idea of the academy. I'm a little confused about the vision she had, though. What exactly is so significant about it? A woman is walking, a hand grabs her, she screams. Big deal. I don't see any symbolism in it, or any foreshadowing. Maybe I'm just missing something, but the "vision" doesn't seem very special to me.

And some more characterization would be nice. Right now, Ami, Pippa, and Chris all blend together for me. There's nothing to distinguish them from each other. Give them some more detail so that they stand out in our minds.




User avatar
770 Reviews


Points: 30301
Reviews: 770

Donate
Sun Mar 07, 2010 11:19 am
borntobeawriter wrote a review...



Hi there KitxKat,

I'm Tanya, here to do a review. I have to agree with mmink that this chapter is a bit choppy but a good lesson on punctuation dialogue might help.

Follow this link here: topic44898.html

My friend Pippa nudges me wit her elbow, with an eye roll.
with. I suggest a modification of this sentence; it doesn't flow well. Maybe something like this, "with her elbow and an eye roll."

“Larissa, come up here.” I snap my head up and step out of my desk. I push my hair out of my eyes and awkwardly stand at the front.
Ok, you might want to rephrasse this awkward sentence. I thought it was her friend telling her to come here, since she was nudging her. And why was her friend nudging her? Is it important to the story? Was Larissa distracted by Pippa then master Blake calls her forward to teach her a lesson?

Who know why
knows

Pippa bites her tongue
How can you know that? Your MC (main character) is in the first person so you can't know that Pippa bit her tongue unless you notice her flinching and then she sticks out her tongue to you to show the indentation her teeth made. Or something like that.

I know I fall back and enter the state of when I have a vision.
This sentence is awkward. Maybe say something like, "I feel like I am falling even though I am still standing. I feel dizzy and uncoordinated, my mind is reeling; I am having a vision." Not exactly the best example but do you understand what I mean?

Everything is shadowy and black. A damp fog surrounds me as I walk. Outfitted in black leather, my coiled whip at my hip, my hair in a tight braid, I look every bit as badass as Catwoman
I like this. It is very visual, I could easily picture the scene.

I hear the luring hiss of a rattlesnake. Immeadtly, I feel calm. Snakes and Vampire Hunters go together like horses and oats

immediately. Ok, I like the idea of this but I need to know why? Why do rattlesnakes and vampire hunters go together? I mean, snakes are symbolic of bad, evil, treachery and corruption. Is that what the hunters stand for also? I would have assumed that the vampires are the bad 'guys' which means the hunters would be good. Right?


I’m bought out of my dream-like
brought


feeling it hot and cold at the same time.
What is hot and cold? The vial? The liquid? your throat?


My hands were shaking, but I grabbed my whip and slipped in thought my belt. Then I tightened the laces on my converse high-tops and exited, fully intending on retuning to class.

Um, you're talking in the past here: were, slipped, tightened.


fully intending on retuning to class
returning


You’re gonna have to learn how to control them.” Janelle’s sweet voice fills the silent air around me. I sigh.

Ok. You just said she was going back to class and suddenly Janelle was there. Had she been waiting in the hallway, knowing Larissa wouldn't stay put? Was she still in the classroom, waiting for lord knows what?

My office, nine o’clock.” Janelle said. I nod and walk away, feeling sick.
Why was she feeling sick? Because Janelle wants to see her? because of her vision?


Ok now Kitx, I hope you don't think I sound harsh. If I'm taking the time to point out your mistakes it's because I feel there is true potential here. I enjoy this, I am intrigued by it. But -there's always a but, isn't there?- you need to work this piece. As much as readers hate an info dump, we also do not like reading blindly, if you will.

We know absolutely nothing about the characters, the background, nothing, except that Janelle dressed in white and has a sweet voice. Also, Larissa has had more than one vision if she's not freaking out after this one.

I suggest you read this piece: topic41426.html
For now, we feel nothing for the characters. If Larissa went off and jumped from the roof of the academy, I really couldn't care less. WHy? Because I'm not attached to her. You must make her alive. It's quite easy to do when you're writing in the first person because you have a direct link to the MC's thoughts. How does she see people? Is Pippa a best friend? An annoying acquaintance?

Do you see what I mean? If not, just PM me and I'll try to explain some more. I'm going to read your second chapter now and keep up the good work, ok?

Tanya :D




Random avatar

Points: 1178
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Mar 05, 2010 7:36 am
mmink says...



I think it is a really great start..I find myself wanting to read more and know what happens. Saying that I do agree about all the comma usage it seems just a little choppy, but thats just my opinion.




User avatar


Points: 1332
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:16 am
Zetsubougakusei wrote a review...



Its interesting, but how you used so many commas sort of annoyed me.

Try to use conjunction words a little more and sometimes even when you do use them, you don't have to use a comma.

Be careful with some of your words because they are misspelled or they sort of don't make any sense.

I watch as a harried young lady passes me, not seeing me.


I didn't quite understand what you meant about the young lady.

Other than that, again, I think its interesting. =D





When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio