I liked this piece. It's interesting, and it seems like it's going to be a cool story. I did notice a couple of things that you can improve, though.
Also known as the most boring class at the Kísértet Academy
Honestly, I'm not sure how to pronounce this name. There's too many accents. There's nothing wrong with making up your names in fantasy stories, but you should make sure they're not too distracting to the reader. If you have to stop and try to figure out how to pronounce it, the flow of the story is interrupted. Maybe you should change it a simpler name? Or take out the accents, at the very least.
My friend Pippa nudges me wit her elbow, with an eye roll.
Like Tanya said, this sentence doesn't flow very well. You could rephrase it so it's "My friend Pippa rolls her eyes and nudges me with her elbow," or something like that. Also, I'm having a hard time imagining a Vampire Hunter named Pippa. It makes me think of a naive, cheerful little girl, not a hunter.
“Now, The Scarlet Moon clan were very pissed at the Dark Mist. Who know why?” Master Blake asks.
The word "pissed" seems out of place here. Teachers usually don't use swear words in front of their class.
Then a glimmering white hand reaches out and grabs her, She screams.
You lost me here. Where did the hand come from?
“No fever.” He said. He moves on to check my vital signs. He proclaims me fine.
Why is Chris examining her? Shouldn't it be the teacher's job to take charge and make sure she's okay, not another student?
“Take her back to her room.” Janelle told Ami.
You just changed tenses here. Since the rest of the story is in present tense, it should be "Jannelle tells Ami."
“You’re gonna have to learn how to control them.” Janelle’s sweet voice fills the silent air around me. I sigh.
Where is Janelle? Does she walk into the room, or it just her voice coming from the air?
Overall, not a bad start. The Vampire Hunters are interesting, and so is the idea of the academy. I'm a little confused about the vision she had, though. What exactly is so significant about it? A woman is walking, a hand grabs her, she screams. Big deal. I don't see any symbolism in it, or any foreshadowing. Maybe I'm just missing something, but the "vision" doesn't seem very special to me.
And some more characterization would be nice. Right now, Ami, Pippa, and Chris all blend together for me. There's nothing to distinguish them from each other. Give them some more detail so that they stand out in our minds.
Points: 8009
Reviews: 93
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