life brings gifts and life brings love
but brings sadness and pain
it weakens you while it strengthens you
it will bring tears and death
it all pay if you look up and only look at the good
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140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
life brings gifts(, and) life brings love
but brings sadness and pain
it weakens you(, but all the more) strengthens you
but may bring tears(,) it may bring smiles
{it all pay} Its all in play {of} because of the love and the happiness and hope.
Okay, so the ()'s are when i add something. And the {}'s are when i take something out.
Quite a few grammar errors.
It was not a very steady poem.
This is your poem my way...
Life brings gifts, and life brings love.
But brings sadness and pain.
It weakens you, but all the more strengthens you.
It may bring tears, It may bring smiles.
Its all in play, because love, happiness, and hope
I don't want you to go useing this whole thing... i want you to make something from it...
Remember, GRAMMAR!
~<3 panda
Hi Kittypowpow23! (Cool username, by the way.)
I liked this poem. I think about life that way too, and you did a great job in expressing that with words. But first, let's look at some things that might need some fixing.
You need some upper case letters in your poem. Every verses should begin with a capital letter. Even your title should be 'Life', not 'life'. But that's a common mistake, and a very easy one to fix and make.
Also, you have some grammar issues. [but may bring tears it may by bring smiles] - I don't know what you're trying to say, but I think it should be, [but it may bring tears, it may bring smiles].
Third of all, you need some commas. [Life brings gifts life brings love]- this sounds a little rushed, don't you think? It would be better if you rather wrote, [Life brings gifts, life brings love] or [Life brings gifts and life brings love]. Whichever you like. But you do need something between those two.
The last line is where I want you to focus on. A last line in a poem is extremely important. It ends your poem, it is the final stage, it leaves impressions about your poem, and sometimes it even summarizes your poem. I don't want you to take this as harsh, because I don't mean to sound harsh, but you don't have that element. Right now, your last line is confusing; it doesn't have the right grammar; and it sounds rushed, just like the first line.
I don't even know what you're trying to convey in the last line. [it all pay of because of the love and the happiness and hope.]...? It's confusing. It is not going to leave a very good impression about your poem.
You can see that the last line is much longer than the rest. That is usually not a good thing, but if it has a lot of good stuff and meanings in it, people don't mind; but your last line needs some work. You might want to say, [It is all because of love, happiness, and hope] or [All because of love, happiness, and hope].
As Iggy also mentioned, you need some imagery. But I think that Iggy explained the concept very well, so I will give the honor and the credit to him/her.
This poem has great potential, Kitty, please don't get me wrong. But it just needs some fixing and looking over. PLEASE don't let this review drag you down. I see a wonderful writer in you-it just needs more development.
Keep on writing, mephis
Really good topic/thought for poetry. I liked the ideas you presented, but I do believe like the review below: You need to work on your grammar and your wording.
As said before, Line 4 has an issue with that extra "by" before bring smiles.
"It all pay of" should be "It all pay off"
I don't think you need to have a polysyndeton there, as it just ruins the poem's flow.
Find a better ending than repeating the same words!
Use more vocabulary!
Overall, great idea for a poem, just practice on what I said.
thanks so much!
Let's break this down, line by line.
Line One: Either it needs a comma, a conjunction, or it needs to be split into two lines instead of one. I think it would be best if you cut out the second "life brings" and just added in "and" so it reads: life brings gifts and love. It's up to you, but the first line needs something to have a smoother flow.
Line Two: This is good.
Line Three: Instead of "but" I suggest you replace it with "and." Also consider knocking off the second "you."
Line Four: The second part doesn't make much sense.
Remove the "by" and it'll make more sense.
This line is the same first, so reread the suggestions for line one.
Line Five:
"Pay" should be "pays off."
Also, I feel like this line was repetitive and basically summarizing the poem. Instead of doing that, give me examples of how love is good, despite all of the bad things. Show me that it's good and worth the pain, instead of just telling me.
Overall, this poem lacks imagery, which is a fundamental focus in poetry. Instead of telling me about love, show me what love is. Give me examples, describe what it does in detail, give the poem emotion, and make me connect to it.
But other than that, the poem was good. It can be improved, but the message was clearly stated and this was written nicely, with a good flow for the most part. I suggest you try to improve it so it can reach its full potential, but even if you don't, it'll still be a good poem. ^^
thanks i did't know that thanks for the help with line four
I like the idea of this poem, and there's a lot of truth in what you say, but the poem itself isn't of amazing standard. I didn't really like it at all.
You could have added stanzas, punctuation/capitals etc, but what really matters is that this poem has no soul, it seems like it was written in a few minutes on a whim- which is fine, but you need to put in the time to fully edit and flesh out your ideas.
Good luck with poetry, and of course don't let this review get you down. It's just the nature of life I suppose.
i know it's not that good it's my first one i made i just started at this.
Well this poem is certainly optimistic which is always welcome.
Just make sure to try and check the grammar/spellings like on the last line where it should be "pays" instead of just "pay". I'd also like to see more lengthy and detailed poems as well.
Nonetheless this poem was both short and sweet so well done there mate! Or girl depending on your gender that is XD.
Keep on writing poems then and I look forward to seeing how you develop
Ben
thanks for the help i think it's pretty good for my first one
so true its a great life it is all pays off because of the hope and love and happyness