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16+ Language Violence

The creature amongst the darkness.

by Kittycatears2


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Darkness filled the room, no light, no hope. The floorboard creaked underneath his- no Its weight, It couldn’t be considered human anymore, not after what its done, after what its turned into. Her breath hitched, trying to keep as quiet as she could not daring to move from her spot in the corner.

It paused, tilting its head in an unnatural way with a disgusting crack as it snarled towards the corner Helen was in, her hands cupped her mouth as her eyes began to well up with terrified tears that threatened to spill. The thing crept closer and closer till its horrid breath wafted against her face. Helen stared back at it with wide eyes as it’s claw came up slamming into her throat causing her to let out a choked gasp, Now struggling to breath Helen tried to desperately claw and scratch at its sickening red skin, She didn’t even know if it could be called skin when the first layers of it was gone, showing the muscles that was supposed to be underneath. Whatever it was called it looked to be melting off the bone. She let out a whimper as its mouth opened showing rows of sharp teeth, the same teeth that killed her friend only moments ago, they were still bloody even with the darkness of the room she could see it. She could smell it. Then a sharp, sudden arching pain filled her body, she looked for the source and found the thing had it’s mouth chomped down on her arm.





Helen let out a cry, her head throwing back as her arm was ripped clean out of it’s socket. The creature chewed her arm, the sounds of the bones crunching and flesh tearing filled the room. Helen let out a guttural noise of pain, her eyes locked onto the creature in front of her, It was hard to believe she knew the thing before, that they were friends.

Then the door burst opened “Helen!” Yelled out the voice of her little sister, Tiffany. Helen looked over, her eyes widen in horror “Tiff! No, no nonono!! You need to leave.” She choked out the best she could as it slammed its clawed hand into her throat again. A low guttural growl came from the creature's throat glaring at the new person in the room. “I cannot leave you Helen.” She says aiming her shotgun at the thing, “Please.. we've got to leave!” The creature snarled at Tiffany, turning its attention to her as it began to walk over the floorboards groaning under its weight. Then a loud shot rang out the door, Tiffany shot it in the shoulder, black ink like blood rushing out. It bared its teeth charging at her, She reloaded the gun shooting it again, the bullet going through  the head, The force of the gunshot sending it to the floor dazing it. Tiffany used her chance, rushing to her sister's side. “Come on Helen, we've got to go.” Tiffany said grabbing Helen's now only arm, Tiffany pulled her up rushing to the door. The creature meanwhile shook its head, getting up right and heading towards the door the sisters just ran out of with an angry hiss, running after them on all fours. “F#ck, Tiff,I-it's going to get us!” Helen says looking behind them at the approaching creature. “Don't say that, come on, don't look behind us.” Tiffany says dragging her through another door slamming it shut, the creature slammed into it almost knocking it off the hinges. The angry growls and hisses came muffled through the door as it scratched and pushed at it. Tiffany pushed a dresser in front of it as Helen looked for anything to bandaged her arm. Tiffany moved a few items in front of the door before looking for an exit and spotting a window. “Helen…i may be crazy but humor me for a second.” Tiffany says staring at the window. “What do you…oh no.” Helen says realizing what Tiffany was thinking. “No, no way.” Helen says shaking her head, “We're going to die if we don't.” Tiffany says with a frown. “We've got to try.” She pleaded walking over to her helping tie the cloth around her bleeding arm, “you need medical help.” Tiffany says looking at her with pleading eyes. Helen sighed looking out the window. “Fine.” the two women walk to the window, Tiffany pushing open the window as the rusted hinges let out a groan, the creature banging on the door with inhumane screeches. The window opened, The exchanged a glance just as the door bursts open, “I love you Helen..” “I love you too Tiff.” and then they jumped.


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Tue Sep 24, 2024 6:55 am
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kaitlyn wrote a review...



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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression

I think you've done a wonderful job bringing to life quite the horrifying monster there and a pretty inspired fighting effort their against it. I did not expect things to go as well as they did.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Darkness filled the room, no light, no hope. The floorboard creaked underneath his- no Its weight, It couldn’t be considered human anymore, not after what its done, after what its turned into. Her breath hitched, trying to keep as quiet as she could not daring to move from her spot in the corner.


Well this is a nice ominous little start here. I think you've done a wonderful job of that, really captures a dark atmosphere and this sense of building tension. Looking forward to seeing where we go from here.

It paused, tilting its head in an unnatural way with a disgusting crack as it snarled towards the corner Helen was in, her hands cupped her mouth as her eyes began to well up with terrified tears that threatened to spill. The thing crept closer and closer till its horrid breath wafted against her face. Helen stared back at it with wide eyes as it’s claw came up slamming into her throat causing her to let out a choked gasp, Now struggling to breath Helen tried to desperately claw and scratch at its sickening red skin, She didn’t even know if it could be called skin when the first layers of it was gone, showing the muscles that was supposed to be underneath. Whatever it was called it looked to be melting off the bone. She let out a whimper as its mouth opened showing rows of sharp teeth, the same teeth that killed her friend only moments ago, they were still bloody even with the darkness of the room she could see it. She could smell it. Then a sharp, sudden arching pain filled her body, she looked for the source and found the thing had it’s mouth chomped down on her arm. Helen let out a cry, her head throwing back as her arm was ripped clean out of it’s socket. The creature chewed her arm, the sounds of the bones crunching and flesh tearing filled the room. Helen let out a guttural noise of pain, her eyes locked onto the creature in front of her, It was hard to believe she knew the thing before, that they were friends.


Well that is properly horrifying. Love the description of the creature there. It really does fill you with complete horror and just how hopeless and terrible the situation is for everyone. I think you've done an amazing job with bringing that to life and then the moment of contact is just horrifying and the description of the arm just sends shivers down your back. Really nicely done there. The only nitpick I have is that maybe this could be broken into two paragraphs because its a little hard to read as is.

Then the door burst opened “Helen!” Yelled out the voice of her little sister, Tiffany. Helen looked over, her eyes widen in horror “Tiff! No, no nonono!! You need to leave.” She choked out the best she could as it slammed its clawed hand into her throat again. A low guttural growl came from the creature's throat glaring at the new person in the room. “I cannot leave you Helen.” She says aiming her shotgun at the thing, “Please.. we've got to leave!” The creature snarled at Tiffany, turning its attention to her as it began to walk over the floorboards groaning under its weight. Then a loud shot rang out the door, Tiffany shot it in the shoulder, black ink like blood rushing out. It bared its teeth charging at her, She reloaded the gun shooting again shooting it in the head, The force of the gunshot sending it to the floor dazing it. Tiffany used her chance, rushing to her sister's side. “Come on Helen, we've got to go.” Tiffany said grabbing Helen's now only arm, Tiffany pulled her up rushing to the door. The creature meanwhile shook its head, getting up right and heading towards the door the sisters just ran out of with an angry hiss, running after them on all fours. “F#ck, Tiff,I-it's going to get us!” Helen says looking behind them at the approaching creature. “Don't say that, come on, don't look behind us.” Tiffany says dragging her through another door slamming it shut, the creature slammed into it almost knocking it off the hinges. The angry growls and hisses came muffled through the door as it scratched and pushed at it. Tiffany pushed a dresser in front of it as Helen looked for anything to bandaged her arm. Tiffany moved a few items in front of the door before looking for an exit and spotting a window. “Helen…i may be crazy but humor me for a second.” Tiffany says staring at the window. “What do you…oh no.” Helen says realizing what Tiffany was thinking. “No, no way.” Helen says shaking her head, “We're going to die if we don't.” Tiffany says with a frown. “We've got to try.” She pleaded walking over to her helping tie the cloth around her bleeding arm, “you need medical help.” Tiffany says looking at her with pleading eyes. Helen sighed looking out the window. “Fine.” the two women walk to the window, Tiffany pushing open the window as the rusted hinges let out a groan, the creature banging on the door with inhumane screeches. The window opened, The exchanged a glance just as the door bursts open, “I love you Helen..” “I love you too Tiff.” and then they jumped.


Well that's a pretty solid fightback there from the position they were in. I feel like maybe we should see a little bit more horror from the whole arm being torn off moment. It feels like maybe we went past that a bit too quickly but otherwise really solid moment here and its a lovely little note of hope to end on.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall a lovely little spooky tale there. I think you've done a wonderful job bringing it all to life. Just the one little nitpick I had up there but mostly I think quite well done!

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate




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Mon Sep 23, 2024 12:47 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the frightful S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Welcome, newcomer, to the Young Writers Society! I have spotted this horror story in the green room, and since the season of Halloween is coming up and I enjoy horror from time to time, I thought that I’d read this. Now, the story in question is about two sisters trying to run from a monster. The monster itself used to be a friend of Helen’s, and yet, it did something so despicable that Helen no longer sees it as human…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I don’t think that you need to put “shooting” in front of the word “again” because that same word comes after the word “again”, but you can edit it as you see fit.

Chocolate Bar - I love the mysterious, unsettling nature of the monster! The fact that it was once Helen’s friend and that it gets referred to as a “he” is really interesting, because that means that he was seen as a human before in Helen’s eyes. I also like how Tiffany and Helen look out for each other and do what they can to escape the monster, the sisterly bond is strong in that sense.

Closing Graham Cracker - If you choose to continue this then I will read the other stories connecting it. But if not, then I just want to say that I very much enjoyed the horror of this story, and that the ending gave me a small flicker of hope that maybe the sisters will find peace somewhere…

I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^





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