Addie
When Adam gets home he’s in a sour mood. He slams the front door and stomps down the stairs to his room. Apparently he doesn’t want to talk about it. Before I can head upstairs to my own room the doorbell rings. When I open the door I’m surprised to see Elizabeth standing patiently outside. She gives me a smile and asks to come inside.
“What brings you here?” I ask, opening the door wider for her to step inside. She lets out a long sigh and takes a seat on the living room sofa.
“I don’t know. Adam and I had an argument and I wanted to ask you something,” she replies, curling her legs up under her.
“I wanted to ask him why he was so mad but he went downstairs and locked himself in his bedroom. What did you want to know?”
“Well,” she begins, “When we went on the mission we saw a woman. She was with child and was telling Prince Charles that the baby was his. But Adam won’t hear of it. He won’t even accept that that it’s a possibility. I was just wondering why he is so against Prince Charles having another child.” I blow out a long breath and try to think of a nice way to explain about Adam’s insecurities.
“If it’s true then that would mean an affair. And Adam, well, he despises the whole idea. He doesn’t want to think that such a respectable man like Prince Charles would do such a thing. When we were little Adam adored our mother. He practically worshiped the ground she walked on. Then Adam found out that Mom used to sneak out at night. She would send us to bed and a while later she would leave. One night he asked me to stay up late with him and watch for Mom. We stayed in his room and he read books to me. Sure enough, a couple hours later we could hear Mom’s footsteps outside his door. When we were certain that she had gone up the stairs we snuck up them and had just enough time to see her pulling on her coat as she walked out the door. It completely destroyed his vision of her. He couldn't believe that she would do something like that. And to this day, Adam still thinks that Mom was cheating on Dad, but I don’t think so. Every time I tried to approach the subject he would just close up. Sometimes he wouldn’t talk to me for days. It has that much of an affect on him. And now, I just don’t talk about it anymore.” Elizabeth nods her head understandingly and I can hear her guilty thoughts about bringing the subject up with Adam.
“Don’t worry, he’ll get over-” I stop and glance around. I thought I heard someone else’s thoughts besides Elizabeth’s.
“What’s wrong?” Elizabeth asks.
I shake my head. “Nothing,” I reply.
After visiting for a while longer Elizabeth finally goes home. I pick myself up off the couch walk slowly down the stairs to Adam’s room.
I knock softly on his door and when he opens it he glares at me.
“So you like talking about me behind my back, huh?” he asks crossing his arms and leaning just inside the doorway.
“And apparently you like snapping at people for no reason at all,” I say evasively. He frowns and turns away.
“No, I really like it when people don’t go around talking about my personal problems,” he says.
“Enough is enough! You’re freaking out over nothing. Personally, I don’t think Mom was having an affair. But even if she was, it’s none of your business. What’s got you so fixed about this?”
“She was pregnant!” he screams at me and slams the door.
I stand there for a minute and run the idea of this absurdity over and over in my head. Would Mom have really had another baby? I pass the idea off as Adam’s imagination and leave him to his own grumpy self. When I get to my room I spot two tickets to Kinsley’s concert tonight. I wonder what they’re doing in my room. I take them downstairs to Adam to see if he knows why they’re there. When he sees me he starts to shut the door but I stick my foot in the way so he can’t.
“Just wait. Do you know why there are two tickets to Kinsley’s concert in my room?” I ask presenting him the tickets. He looks at the tickets for a moment then shoves them back in my face.
“Dad bought them so we could go to the concert tonight. Looks like we won’t need them now.” He tosses me an angry look and slams his door in my face yet again.
“I just wanted to say thanks for being such a great brother,” I call sarcastically as I make my way up the stairs. I lay the tickets on my desk and flop down on my bed. He really needs to get over losing Mom. I reach for the phone and dial Kayleigh’s number to see if she wants to go to the show.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Yea, no. Addie has the ability to read peoples minds. Just so there's no confusion here...
Much better, Kinsley. I really liked it. But why does Sarabeth being pregnant make Adam mad? And jeez, a sixth child??!!
Becuase of editing and more changes to the story I had a need to update this. Well, it's finally updated.
This is chapter six? I haven’t read anything of your’s before, so forgive me if I start to ask completely stupid questions concerning the fable, lol. I’ll write the critique as I read.
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When Adam gets home he’s in a sour mood.
Okay, the first thing I noticed is that you write in time present. That’s okay, don’t understand me wrong, but it’s just so dratted hard to write in it, lol. Like the sentence above, ‘gets home he’s in a sour mood’. Probably perfectly fine, but I still can’t wade off the feeling that it sounds just… weird?
Ah, I just figured it out. I think it’s supposed to be ‘When a\Adam got home he was in a sour mood’. You’re not writing this from Adam’s perspective, right? Eek, time present… Horrid little thing… I’m not going to quote any more of those, I’m probably going to confuse you more than explain anything (not that I know hwat I’m doing). So yeah, I’ll stop. -Feeling relieved, lol?
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I ask opening the door wider for her to step inside.
Comma after ‘ask’
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she replies curling her legs up under her.
Comma after replies.
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Sure enough, a couple hours later we could hear Mom’s footsteps outside his door. When we were sure that she had gone up the stairs we snuck up them and had just enough time to see her pulling on her coat as she walked out the door.
Use a synonym for the second ‘sure’.
Adam sure is.. Uhm, I can’t find the word… I mean, I lived through it, lol.
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And to this day, Adam still thinks that Mom was cheating on Dad but I don’t think so.
Comma before ;but’
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Elizabeth nods her head understandingly and I can hear her guilty thoughts about bringing the subject up with Adam.
‘Could’ instead of ‘can’ or add ‘almost’ before ‘can’.
Okay, so that’s it. Somehow I don’t share Firehand’s enthusiasm. I personally found it, no offence, a bit dull, uninteresting. -But maybe that’s because I read a fragment from somewhere in the middle.
No, don’t take me wrong, it wasn’t rubbish or anything! It just wasn’t my type of story. Almost everything that isn’t a rip off of LOTR belongs to that category, lol.
I don’t want to leave you on the negatives, though. The story had a flow, something was happening and I totally admire you for reaching the sixth chapter.
P.S. I suppose Adam does have other reasons for not accepting the baby other than the ones you described? The darker and murkier, the better, hehe.
Keep writing,
-elein
Its good. I want to read the rest!!