Published January 7, 2007
Elizabeth
For a second I think that Adam might like me but after he took off like that, I’m not so sure. I sigh and continue my way through the chamber doors, pausing at the waterfall. I take a parting look at the narrow hallway leading to Genevieve’s chambers. The waterfall parts and I step through, and I’m still amazed at the power it must take to divert so much water. I watch for a second as the water comes back together and pounds at the ledge then run off the sides into the adjoining river. As I walk along the pathway down the mountain and I get the sense that I am not alone. A chill works its way up my spine as I take cautious steps down the mountain. Already my stomach is fluttering around and I know my cells are expanding. I look down at my arm and half of it is gone! Get a grip, I tell myself, this is just your own stupid nervousness about tonight’s mission. I force my molecules back together. The sun has long since set and I rub my arms in an effort to keep warm. I take a few more steps down the mountain when suddenly, a cold chilling breeze whips past my shoulder. I glance around and see that none of the trees move an inch. My heart starts to beat faster and my breathing starts to come in short gasps. That breeze didn’t feel like the wind. There was an otherworldly feel to it. I whirl around and hear a sudden rustle in the bushes. Someone is trying very hard not to be seen. I stare at the bushes for a long moment then turn back around and continue walking home while keeping a tight hold on my molecules. I stare at the sky and feel so insignificant compared to the vastness of the sky. All of a sudden Adam appears out of nowhere.
“Adam what are you doing here?” I ask. “I thought you went home.”
"I was just looking for you, that’s all. What are you doing out so late?” He asks. I narrow my eyes at him. He doesn’t sound like he is telling the truth. I cross my arms defensively over my stomach. My reply is slow and hesitant.
“I was just leaving Genevieve’s chambers,” I say carefully.
“That late? What were you doing?”
“I was waiting for you,” I say with a hint of accusation. Adam doesn’t seem like himself. He is usually friendly and doesn’t distance himself like he is right now.
“Well, do you want me to walk you home?” He asks in an offhand manner. Why would he ask that? He usually walks me home anyway. I nod my head and we continue the walk down the mountain slowly. When I can finally see my house I decide not to end the night on such a sour note. It would be hard to work around the awkwardness of tonight in the mission that we have together later on tonight.
“So are you excited for tonight’s mission? I mean beside the fact Eris will be there,” I say trying to strike up a conversation.
“The mission? Oh, you mean the one tonight. Yea, I guess so.” Okay this is just plain weird. Adam practically lives his life for the Sentinel. How can he forget about a mission? We finally approach the walkway to my house and he stops.
“Bye, Liz. See you tonight,” He says with a wave of his hand then continues walking down the sidewalk to his own house. Liz? Nobody ever calls me that. The only person who ever did that was my brother Zachary. And Adam always walks me to my front door. Why didn’t he this time? I finally decide that he just must be worried about tonight’s mission. When I get inside I offer a simple hello to my mom and head upstairs to my room and shut my door tight. I don’t bother changing into other clothes. Although I’m hungry I hop into bed and turn off my light. After a while I fall asleep to the sound of the crickets chirping outside.
Yeah, I know. Adam was acting pretty weird. But that wasn't Adam...
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey Kinsley!
I noticed that this work has sat for a long time without any reviews. I'm here to remedy that today! Let's get into it, shall we?
I also haven't read any of the other chapters, so I apologise if I misinterpret of comment on something that I otherwise wouldn't have!
I wouldn't really put this as an opening to a chapter like this? It has nothing to pull the reader in, and while this is the third chapter and not the first, I still think it wouldn't hurt to have something a little more flavourful to lead into the chapter? If you want to keep it in the same vein, perhaps something like: "After Adam made so hastily a retreat from me, I wasn't so sure of where we stood anymore. I thought, just for a moment, that he might have liked["reciprocated my feelings" <- if Elizabeth feel the same] me, but I must have been mistaken."
Generally, you want to try to avoid repetition! I might rewrite this as "I glance towards the narrow hallway that leads to Genevieve's chambers, before turning away. The waterfall parts for me as I step forward[...]" Also, there's less filler that way (taking out "I take a look" when it can just be "I glance", etc)!
Since describing a character watching is usually just padding (since it's from their perspective, ofc they're watching), and this sentence is a little clunky, I might suggest rewording this a little? Possibly: "As the water reforms it slams once again down atop the stone floor below before running down into the adjoining river."
Rather than blatantly tell the reader that Elizabeth doesn't feel alone, try showing us how it makes her feel. "I continue along the path when a chill rushes over me. I glance over my shoulders, but there's no one there. Yet, I could swear that is. My stomach flutters as I push myself forward." Then you're not outright saying "it feels like someone is watching me" but you show it, while making the reader viscerally imagine the sensation, and possibly feel the unease that Elizabeth is feeling.
This is a really interesting use of magic/power? I'm curious to see where you're taking this!
Saying "cold" and "chilling" is basically the same as writing "I take a few more steps down the mountain when suddenly, a cold cold breeze whips past my shoulder." Also, since you've already described her several times as walking down the path, I would just write this as "But as I tried to warm myself up, a cold breeze teases at my clothes and hair and sends gooseflesh rising over my skin."
(also, suddenly is 99.9% of the time unnecessary, since the "suddenness" should be displayed in the action/event that occurs in the prose)
lol what a move though, it's very relatable. who has the energy to see who's slinking in the shadow when you could just be safe at home.
I like this line a lot
Again, you don't usually want to put in "all of a sudden". This would be better written as "I glance back down as a rustle draws my attention just in time to see Adam seemingly appear from thin air" or something along those lines. She was looking at the sky, so if Adam hadn't made a noise, she shouldn't have known he was there.
This should be on a new paragraph, since it's her actions now! Usually, you want to keep dialogue of one character separate from the actions of another!
What about it sounds like he's lying? Does his pitch rise? Does he get really quiet? Does his voice get squeaky? Rather than "tell" that he's "sounds like he's lying" (because he's being suspicious already), show us how he sounds like it, or why Elizabeth believes he's lying.
isn't it...already night?
So, you mention that Adam is acting weird a lot right off the bat. This would fit in a lot nicer, and not be as in the readers' faces that "Hey look! Adam is acting weird!" so many times, if you wrote it a lot more subtly. Show us that Elizabeth thinks he's acting weird, but don't hammer it so many times (the blatant lying, the "distancing himself", the "do you want me to walk you home" question, the mission, calling her Liz). Pick a few, and have Elizabeth just kind of go "hmm...off" but don't have her go, so many times, "wow he's being so weird for x and y and z reason".
I mentioned it a few times, but there's a lot of telling in this chapter, rather than showing. I know that's a very vague time of me to say. You hold the readers hand, essentially, by telling them everything that's going on, rather than showing how the character is reacting/how they're taking it in. Here's a good YWS article about it. Basically what I'm saying is that you don't have to hold your readers hand!
Overall, an interesting chapter! I'm very intrigued by Elizabeth's power and her being able to manipulate her cells/molecules?? That's incredibly neat and fun to play around with!
However, that's all I have for you! Hopefully there was something helpful in there!
I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!