I Love You

:roll:

I see you standing in a crowd
my heart beats faster as you turn around
you give me a smile
i want to die
as you look me in the eye
my heart beats faster
it will not stop
i want the ground to just swallow me up
i think i love you i think alot
very good feelings are all i've got
i only wish you felt the same
even just to say my name
i really love you, you'll find its true
oh how i wish that you loved me to.

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Reviews: 172

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Thu Mar 24, 2005 7:32 am

Shadow Knight says...

Good poem, regardless of what others say.

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Wed Mar 23, 2005 10:10 pm

Writersdomain wrote a review...

I think that Liz and Nickelpickle gave you enough criticism which I agree with, so I will give only a few suggestions.

Ok, firstly, the rhyming is really forced and is a little childish. It sounded like it was supposed to be childish, but it didn't have the innocence of a childish poem. It was more like an attempt at a deep love poem, but it did not turn out that way.

This was really surfaced and didn't really have any deeper meaning. You could have gone into much deeper detail and made it touch people, but it was just too surfaced and didn't really have a powerful point. This is the part that really got me. It might just be me and my desire to read poetry that moves you and touches you and doesn't just tell you something you already know or bring up ordinary feelings.

Another suggestion is that take a different slant on the subject, maybe from the other person's point of view or saying something different about those kind of feelings. Other than that, this wasn't too bad. I've seen worse. Keep writing! I think this can be good!

PS: nickelpickle and liz are right; harsh criticism makes a good poet.

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Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:41 am

Liz wrote a review...

Where do I start? Nickelpickle is right.

I see you standing in a crowd
my heart beats faster as you turn around
you give me a smile
i want to die
as you look me in the eye
my heart beats faster
it will not stop
i want the ground to just swallow me up

Poetry isn't about regurgitating cliches you've heard eighty-eight times in your life. It's about being original, and interesting, and different to every one else. This is such a worn out subject it's really best to steer clear unless you're going to reeeeally try to be original and use lots of imagery and the like.
As for the punctuation, it's really not a problem to scrap capitals but you need to think about line breaks. At the moment it looks as though you've just quickly typed it up without thinking about the punctuation or anything. Which you probably have.
Okay, I don't like it obviously. Nickelpickle's right: harsh criticism is a good thing. You'll improve from it.

Points: 17580
Reviews: 798

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Thu Mar 17, 2005 4:13 am

Areida says...

I think I'm going to have to agree with nicklepickle on this one...

Points: 890
Reviews: 162

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Thu Mar 17, 2005 3:42 am

nickelpickle wrote a review...

*gag* Okay...Here I go..

I see you standing in a crowd
my heart beats faster as you turn around

OVERUSED ALERT!!! This is so typical...please get rid of it!!!

you give me a smile
i want to die
as you look me in the eye

You jump around a ton.....you give me a smile goes to i want to die. SEPERATE INTO STANZAS PUH-LEAZE!!!! You need puncuation. Capitilize your I's.

i think i love you i think alot
very good feelings are all i've got

Come on...You can do better. A second grader could do better. "I think I love you I think alot" Two thinks in one sentence? Neither should be there. Use emotion, convince the reader that you KNOW you love the subject a ton.

Basically, this was bad. The rhyming was forced, the topic was overused, your language and tone was immature and it was bad. I encourage you to continue writing and I will read what you write. Harsh criticism is a valuable learning resource.