We laugh, we cry
we talk about that sexy guy
we bitch,we talk
we laugh aloud as we go a walk
we lie in our beds late at night
and watch the videos that give us a fright
We eat, we drink
and tell each other what we think
We are friends, we are bestfriends
We will be friends till the end of all ends
Hope you all like it xoox
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Ok, giving them a one line reply telling them that you hate it, isn't going to help. Why dont you show her which lines where cheezy and what to do with them, or dont say shit at all.
we lie in our beds late at night
and watch the videos that give us a fright
The second line there sounds like you just put it there so something could rhyme with night. I think your smarter and could come up with a better line than that. Like "looking at the moon, oh what a site" or w.e.
We are friends, we are bestfriends
We will be friends till the end of all ends
These lines here mean the same thing. And there in the same place. You got a bit to repetive there.
This poem was pretty cheezy put with some work it does have a bit of potential. Good Luck with it.
It seemed a bit forced with the rhyme....
And thanks to that arsehole I'll now post what I thought was a bit cheezy. Bloody, I have been here longer than you and I tell how I tell, they will get the message so shut your hole peppersniff!
we talk about that sexy guy
we bitch,we talk
Um... we already know you talk about a sexy guy so we already know you talk. And bitching is a way of talking I think....
Anyway it just bounced around a lot and i think that that was kinda cofusing. You can add a lot more, unless peppersniff says something about it.
Okay... I'm going to be brutally honest here. I REALLY didn't like this!
Okay, firstly, the beginning didn't catch you in the least, didn't draw me in at all. This is really, really surfaced and has next to no depth in it. It would make a nice little rhyme/jig thing if you brushed up on your rhyming majorly, but the way it is, I really don't like it. Oh, and I think you mean 'we go for a walk' instead of 'we go a walk.'
The rhyming here was really cheesy again and didn't makea lot of sense. You really need to go into more depth about why you will be friend to the end. You don't establish a strong enough bond to state that last line. You have to build up to it and make it mean something, not just a pretty, little ending. I did like the 'end of all ends' thing, but it was meaningless without some backbone to it. Go into the depth of the friends' bond and talk about how they became friends or talk about a trial they might have endured that kept them strong together. This really needs work, but it is a good start.
Keep writing! I know I might be being a little harsh, but it will help you in the future. I think this can be good.
Everybody else said that, and it's true. And areida's right, the rhyming really sucks. I mean, we go a walk? And it didn't flow. They're all right. I'm just echoing now, but this sucks. You know your poem about monkeys? Yeah, it was better.
CHHHEEEEESSSSYYYYYYY! Soz but it was, sorry if I'm being too harsh!
Childish,immature, typical of a teenage girl...not that thats a bad thing *averts eyes...lol*
It is an overused topic, bored me...blah blah blah...I could go on and on, but you prob get the point not to write on overused topics.
No real suggestons... It didn't flow, you didn't use emotions, it wasn't good. End of story.
Keep writing though...
I agree with arieda, the flow went to fast, and the ryhming seemed forced.
And like everyone else said this was a litte cheesy.
Well, I used to have this thing where it wasn't poetry unless it rhymed, but now rhyming kind of bothers me. Also, your rhyming doesn't flow too well...it goes way too fast. And, like emotion_less said, it is kind of cheesy and cliched.
~*~Areida~*~
It seems kind of cheesy.