Published March 16, 2005
Do you want to know a secret
a secret that is true
as long as you dont tell anyone
i really do love you
i know its only short but i think its quite sweet
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there.
The last reviewer recommended that you switch to capitalization on all the ends and my advice is more along the opposite lines. I think it would fit better to ditch the caps all together, since formatting speaks a lot more to the flow and message than people might think. This also brings me to the issue of how punctuation needs to be a thing here. In the first line, the speaker is asking something of someone, which we could tell based solely on the wording but it would be better to assist it. The same goes for the endings of the other lines, which have assumed points but it would be way easier to just design them in for the reader.
Concept wise, this is nothing special. That's the nicest wording I can come up with next to saying that it was rather "generic", which is what a lot of poetry ends up being. And that feeling is coming a lot from the length and the joking manner of these lines, where it was actually trying to literally be short and sweet. So by me, the reader, knowing that's what you were purposely going for, there's really no level to enjoy it on. If you want more enjoyment, I'm actually going to recommend putting in a bit more length.
So it was a sweet idea in concept?
But there's nothing else going for it
and the presentation certainly isn't
helping it any.
happy revmo
-lizz
I like this, but it was to short, and like Dreami said, it reminds me of a poem on a valintine card. But its sweet, I like it.
Kinky Monkey, its way too short. No offense, but it reminds me of a short poem on a valentine card. You can do better than that.
Ellaborate on the idea. Creating more of a setting, a moment in time might be good. Maybe base it on an event you had yourself, when you had similar feelings.
And for the first line, change it to "Do you know a secret"
My idea is that you could actually have a setting, and have a part when somone says that part. It's pretty, short, and sweet, but too short. As you can tell, when I really repeat something, I really feel strongly about it.
Also, you might want to make it capitalized on all the lines, and maybe have questions marks, and periods, so its like:
"Do you know a secret?
A secret that is true?
As long as you dont tell anyone,
I really do love you"
Also, I think you should not have "don't" as a contraction, I suggest making it "do not". Its actually the correct thing to do in grammer.