Published July 31, 2015
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,624 Reviews
Help.
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
Overall, this story was an interesting idea, but I found it a little confusing. For example, I didn’t fully understand who Garcia was and how the protagonist had got into the situation she was in. I mean, she’s clearly smart (with her chess playing skills and everything) so why is she getting mixed up in the mafia? I got the impression she was sore at always being overshadowed, but I’m not really sure. Maybe a little more backstory is needed here.
Onto some slightly smaller points:
Uhh, you changed tenses here. I’m assuming it was unintentional, so the second paragraph needs to be changed to the past tense so it doesn’t jar in the reader’s mind. I also noticed later on that you refer to Kerissa as “my sister Kerissa” again, so maybe delete one of those and simply call her “Kerissa”?
I couldn’t understand what this meant even though I read the sentence a couple of times. A few other sentences also are a bit tricky to understand. Maybe consider re-phrasing or adding in more punctuation?
I can’t help feeling that this is a little… dehumanising? Maybe refer to her as “The Latina girl”? Also, “latina” should be capitalised.
Your, not you’re.
Also, as DarkDewDrops pointed out, you need to put a comma at the end of the speech if there’s a speech tag (such as “he said”) attached to it. Check out this article which explains it in more detail.
I’d definitely be interested in reading more of this story, but I feel like the delivery is a little clunky in some places. However, I’m intrigued by this main character and I’m hoping some of her motives will show through later on in the story.
Keep writing!
Grammar reviews are to be ignored.
Rude Luci -.-
Boohoo, I don't want to hear it.
A polite user pointed out some dumb mistakes you made and provided helpful and encouraging criticism, including comments on the story. Stop being so immature
Sorry sweetheart, but I have a different version of what is helpful, grammar reviews are not helpful. Opinions on the characters and story are helpful. Repeatedly missing repeated details of one of the main characters being in a gang and not a mafia, is not helpful. Bottomline, if I can take an hour or two and go though a story and make corrections then more than likely a grammar review will not be helpful.
I didn't want to become involved in this, but the notifications were starting to annoy me.
If you didn't want a grammar review, you should have specified "no grammar reviews" at the start of the story so please don't complain by saying "grammar reviews are to be ignored" AFTER I've spent 20 minutes writing you one. And if I used the wrong word, why does it matter? "Why is she getting mixed up in the gang?" is still a valid question (and perhaps if your grammar is such that I'm finding it hard to understand, a grammar review might be useful!)
I put time into doing this review and I'm not going to be upset if you disagree with it. What I find objectionable is when somebody replies rudely, as you did.
I'm sorry for writing you a review. I will make a note not to bother doing so in future.
Hi KingLucifer!
Just try to be mindful of issues like that when rereading your work!
This is definitely an intriguing piece, and I look forward to seeing where you go with it! But there are a few critiques I have for you.
Don't forget that with quotes, end in a comma if you are going to continue with "She said" or "I said" and then continue the sentence or put a period.
You have a few times where you need some commas; remember that when you have a really long sentence you probably combined too many "and"s together.
Sometime it seems like you started a sentence then stopped and kept going as if you forgot about the first part of the sentence, which happens to us writers all the time
The whole meeting with Garcia threw me off, but I think it might have just been because we weren't introduced to the idea of the gang until then.
But I also really like the way you began the chapter; it really captivated the audience (me), and captivation is key for any developing writer.
Keep up the good work!
-DarkDewDrops