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125,029 Literary Works • 672,778 Reviews
I feel that your story moved a little too quickly, but that is just a pet peeve of mine. I feel as if you've told more than show. When you show, you describe emotions and events in detail, but contrary to that, telling is just stating what happened.
Essentially, what you did was this:
He was bullied. He fell in love with a girl. She did not love him.
Mersize basically sums up what I'm saying, to be honest. You should have it longer and include more detail. Ask yourself questions and build up reasons why things happen. Describe them in detail. After that, then you can take away some and adjust it so you know the reader won't get bored.
Oh my God! I thought that it would have a happy ending; it is really cool, though. In my opinion you should consider doing it longer, it is good stuff. I know it is a short story, but it needs more details because all happened very fast.
Consider some of these questions for adding more details:
How was his childhood? Since everyone started to see him a weird boy until he got to be a teenager. What he did for wasting his time or something like that.
What are his parents? What is up with them? They might be a little bit careless about the boy, what kind of parents let a boy growing up like that?
In what place did he come across with the girl? In the school, park, or somewhere.
Who did his pray come true? Talking about forces, good or evil, because he had a blast with his dears as well as with his nears and then after the Three Days of Grace they died. Why did they die?
Lastly, you have got some grammar mistakes, I guess this is just a draft, but in some lines…
In line 2-3: His friends’ parents took his friends away. FRIENDS’ needs an apostrophe.
In line 3: they thought he was “toO” weird for their kid because of this the “kidS” grew lonely.” Too” I think that is a misspelling mistake, but the other one “Kids” I think that you overlooked it. Or maybe you overlooked both.
Second paragraph last line: the boy spent all his time with the girl until finally he saw her “kissING” another boy. There the verb “Kiss” needs to go in ING form because it is a complementary gerund.
I understand that this is a draft, but I suggest you adding more details. Make it longer. I really love your piece of writing but I think it would’ve been better if it had been longer. I hope that you can do it longer; I will be looking forward to reading it.
Keep writing!
Regards.