12+ Violence

Tough Nut

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“I was just a child back then…only 16 when it happened when I took my first life.” I Dorian Maddock, open my eyes, and got out of bed to the smell of freshly baked cookies I knew I would not be eating. I sighed and walked over to the old white mirror sitting on the new dresser, that I had begged for, my foster mother did not want to buy it for me calming it was a waste of good money on a low life like me. I stared at the boy I saw looking back at me, from his fluffy chestnut hair to his light brown almost, caramel looking fingers. I had changed so much over the years that you could barely tell that I used to be light almost, Caucasian looking aside from the fact that my mom was Japanese and my dad, African. Even my eyes had changed from dark brown to black. I yawned and put on my glasses. I got dressed in my school uniform, a tidy black coat with a blue button-up tucked into black dress pants, and paired with black dress shoes. After changing I mentally prepared myself to talk to those impostors that call themselves my parents, Mr. and Mrs. King. I quickly sauntered down the stairs. “I’m ready!” I called from the living room. I only spotted Mrs.King bustling around the kitchen so I guessed Mr. King was at work. “about time, you always take forever I don’t even know why my husband adopted you, it was a mistake.” I rolled my eyes and tried to calm my anger until she spoke again. “Your family has a bad history and you will give us one to, I’m so glad I never had to meet your parents I mean, thank God there dead that means less riff-raff around here.” I clenched my jaw and barley kept myself from screaming and instead I grabbed some bread and slammed the door as I ran out of the house. Knowing that she would not give chase.

I got to school and made eye contact with my ex-best friend and new bully Lucky Brigham. “Hey cupcake” I scowled “I am not in the mood, Lucky.” He smiled and there was a sparkle in his deep blue eyes, I watched as he ruffled his blonde hair and chuckled almost forgetting every mean remark and taunt, seeing my best friend again. I remembered as soon as he pushed me to the ground and placing his hand on my throat. “who do you think you’re talking to cupcake” He growled still on top of me. I was silent knowing he would hurt me if I spoke. I remembered in my back pocket I had my dad’s knife. Just as I was about to give him a mean scar I hear the yelling and stomping of Mr. Laws, the principle.

“Break it up!” yelled Mr. Lawrs as he pulled Lucky to his feet and me to mine. “Get to class Maddock!” He said without another glance my way. I felt Lucky’s eyes burning holes into the back of my head. It’s crazy what popularity does to your mind. I walked into school with the fact that I had left my book bag at home just now dawning on me. “What’s Shakin bacon” I heard as a hand slapped down onto my shoulder. ” Hey Stitch” The real-life version of the kids in movies that are way too happy when their home life and background are complete trash, my new and improved best friend Stitch Chaos. Just hearing about him you’ll wonder whats so special about him, well one look and you will know. Stitch’s parents are scientist who thought “hey…. let’s turn this newborn baby into real-life Frankenstein and then leave him for a couple of years in child beating orphanage, come back and act like we didn’t do any of that.” Stitch smiles and sweeps back his long white hair exposing neat red stitches under his eyes, mouth, and ears that also cover his neck, hands, and arms. “Why don’t you ever get those taken out?” he smirked and looked at his hand “I like them, they make me remember who I am” The bell rang. I hurried over to my locker grabbed my books as Stitch pulled me into Mr. Witts History class.

I felt a hand on my shoulder “Lunchtime!” exclaimed Mr.Witt. I looked up realizing that I had slept through all of the class and facepalmed as I got up and dragged myself to the cafeteria. “You should be glad Mr.Witt’s so nice, he knows how your home life is so he let you sleep” Stitch whispered as we walked through the cafe doors.

I tensed up facing the crowd of laughing, yelling, and eating students. I had always hated nosy places. . . My shoulders sank as we walked up to the table with the popular kids. " Why do we always sit here Stitch?” I asked, knowing the answer. “We are popular, like it or not, I’m the funny and cool one and you’re the cute and silent one,” Stitch said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes, blushing and sat down across from Lucky avoiding making eye contact. “Oh, the freak!” Lucky said teasingly. “Stop that Lucky!” said Mary, the prettiest and sometimes sweetest girl you will ever meet. . . Or at least that’s what everybody says. I looked at Lucky who was grinning ear to ear from having Mary talk to him even if it was just to scold him. “Why,” asked Stitch. Lucky tilted his head the way he did when he was two seconds away from fighting someone. " Why what, Frankenstein?” Stitch scowled and said, " why do you always call Dorian that?” Lucky smiled “Just look at him! What more is there to say?” He was grinning from ear to ear. Stitched cackled which caught me off guard. “Your such a insecure jerk!” All the color drained from Lucky’s face. They started fighting, per-usual. Watching these two bicker had made me lose my appetite, i pushed around the carrots on my plate. Mary looked like she was gonna hurl. “Hey” Mary whispered to me under the yelling. “yes?” I said in a bored tone. “Why are you sooooo… passive?” she asked with a evil gleam look in her eyes while waving her spider like fingers at me. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. She frowned like some pouty toddler before getting up and leaving, which got Lucky’s attention. “What’s wrong with Mare!?!” he said. Just then the bell rang, signaling that lunch was over. I nodded to Stitch, grabbed my trey, and walked out of the cafe. It was only then i realized how sick I was of people like them. 

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User avatar
Plume
Review
Plume wrote a review · Fri Apr 02, 2021 1:48 pm

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed reading this! I think you've got a very promising start to your story. You've got

One thing I enjoyed about this was how dynamic it was. I thought your characters were very lively and their interactions were realistic. The dialogue helped carry the story along, and you've got enough visuals in there that the reader can clearly envision what's happening. It was almost like a TV show was playing in my head, and I didn't get confused once! Nice work!

One thing I had an issue with was your paragraphing. You've got a lot of clunky paragraphs, and it's pretty daunting and tedious to read. Generally, you should make a new paragraph whenever there's dialogue or a sort of "camera shift." When you introduce a new topic, be it setting, character, or even just a shift in the tone of a characters' narration, you need to make a new paragraph. It's really more of a feeling thing, but if you practice more and more, you should get the hang of it.

Specifics

“I was just a child back then…only 16 when it happened when I took my first life.” I Dorian Maddock, open my eyes, and got out of bed to the smell of freshly baked cookies I knew I would not be eating. I sighed and walked over to the old white mirror sitting on the new dresser, that I had begged for, my foster mother did not want to buy it for me calming it was a waste of good money on a low life like me.


I noticed some issues with commas and overall formatting in the first paragraph. I was a little unclear about the dialogue at the beginning. Who's saying it? Is it the start of a flashback? It's a little unclear, and I feel like it should be made more clear. "I Dorian Maddock" should be "I, Dorian Maddock." You use two different tenses in that sentence (open my eyes and got out of bed: you need to change one or the other to opened or get.) The last sentence needs a few more connectors in it, and I'd suggest making the phrase that starts with "my foster mother" its own separate sentence.

ust as I was about to give him a mean scar I hear the yelling and stomping of Mr. Laws, the principle.

“Break it up!” yelled Mr. Lawrs as he pulled Lucky to his feet and me to mine.


I think "Mr. Lawrs" should be "Mr. Laws." And "principle" is actually spelled "principal" in this context. Also, I found it very humorous that the principal was named Mr. Laws.

“You should be glad Mr.Witt’s so nice, he knows how your home life is so he let you sleep” Stitch whispered as we walked through the cafe doors.


You need a comma after "sleep" to properly format the dialogue. I also think that the two phrases that Stitch says should be two separate sentences. Lastly, it should be "he lets you sleep."

Overall: nice work! Despite some of the grammar/spelling issues, it was really well done for the most part! I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

User avatar
BEASTtheHUN
Review

Okay, I like the characterization in this text, it's very vivid. I get the many different personalities. The thing that I would say is that the flow is just a little off. Maybe that's just me being nitpicky, I don't know. Something about the flow just doesn't flow. The dialogue is good, very good. It helps the story out a lot where the flow drops off. Does Mary like Dorian, I don't know I just got that vibe. You should put the chapter in the title. Other than that I like the story and look forward to more.



I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.
— Margaret Atwood