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The Disciples of Crajin

by Kimball


Prologue







What if I told you that it is possible that there are people in the world with the ability to destroy the universe?

It's all possible all because of Crajin the ancient ruler of Pangea,he was the ultimate power. When he was nearing death he chose 16 of his disciples to give power to and now in the modern day only one third of a percent of the disciples descendants get the ancient power. But when Crajin died Pangea went into chaos. There were some disciples who abused the power.

Betra the eldest of the disciples did not know how to use his power,yet he still fought for the good of man using his strength and speed to save people and protect Lodc the Tundra section of Pangea from Kramic the youngest yet most evil and wisest of the disciples. Kramic started gathering his own disciples, Rasg the 2nd disciple and Betra’s brother was the first to join. Betra chose to find his own disciples and retaliate the first to join him was Mawr the 12th disciple.

Kramic stormed Lodc at 10:39 sharp on the 19th of december,the 5 year mark since Crajin died, and killed Betras mother. At that very moment the war of Lodc(the longest battle in the history of anything) had started. Betra full of rage came down from the peak of mount Nehnk where he resided.

“Kramic you hath gone too far this time!”Betra yelled,he is known as the first person ever to have a “british” accent,and it was heavy. “I have no more patience for your ways of murder!”

“Betra you know what I want!”Kramic laughed. ”Give your superior Lodc or I call upon Thar and cause real trouble.”

“You have no reason to do the things you do.”

“It's funny you think that.”Kramic laughed, he threw down a smoke bomb, when the smoke Rasg was there.Rasg came and kept Betra busy while Kramic got away.

“Brother you are more powerful than last I saw you.”Betra said calmly.

“you hath no chance against me brother for I hath gained power beyond that that of Mawr the 12th.”Rasg laughed.”If you do not know what that means then I shall tell you.”

“I know what it means!”

“Now surrender or I will have to slay you!”

Betra at that time did not know what to do, He had no idea how to use his power. He knew that his brother could slay him. At that time he used his power for the first time. He teleported to a far away land.





























Chapter 1

“Oh Crajin why hath you left my side I need your power and blessing.”Betra weeped aloud.

Betra wandered until he found a snowy mountain that had a house on the top. Betra started climbing and he climbed for weeks on end with no sleep till he reached the top. When he reached the top he found the house was a monastery. He went to the door and saw a knocker that looked like the ancient helmet of Crajin. He knocked and shivered. Some answered with a weapon to his head. A weapon Betra had never seen before. A crossbow. Betra unsheathed his sword and cut off the man’s hand that was holding the crossbow. More soldiers came and put Betra on the ground.

“Betra I knew that in time you would be arriving!”Said a voice that Betra remembered.

“Dyd is that you?”Betra asked.

“Yes It is I Dyd, Crajin’s Brother.”the voice said.”I did not receive the power that my brother left in this mortal world. However I can still train you to use your power.”

“Please, for I have no ability to defend Lodc from Kramic.”Betra cried.

“Quiet my new apprentice you need sleep and rest.”

Before Betra was lead to his room he looked at Dyd he was older than Betra remembered,Betra ignored it though being exhausted from the climb. Betra’s room it was small but perfect for Betra. Before Betra even hit the bed he was asleep. He dreamt of war, he saw Kramic winning the battle that he had lost, he saw Mawr and his other disciples getting captured killed and tortured, he then saw his mother, she was peaceful with Crajin.

After the greatest and worst night of Betra’s life he awoke ready to train and conquer his powers.He walked out to the middle of the monastery and picked up a staff to train with. He stood there waiting and knowing that the minions at the monastery knew what he wanted. They came out cautiously. There Betra stood eyes closed staff in his hands. They got close and Betra went straight to beating them. He whacked one in the knee the soldiers knee locked up and he fell the ground. Betra ran towards the wall and started jumping off and kicking people and knocking them out.When he was done Dyd came out.

“Betra why can you not defeat Kramic when you can perform a feat such as that?”Dyd asked.

“Kramic is more powerful than you know Dyd!”Betra said.

“I see, we must train now.”Dyd said.”Follow me.”

“Yes Master Dyd.”Betra replied.

They went to a room with soldiers wearing a bunch of armour.

“Betra listen carefully.”Dyd said slowly.”Put out you hand and say:’tged’ okay?”

“Yes Sir.”Betra responded.

Betra complied and did it at one of the soldiers, the soldier flied back. He kept doing it until no more soldiers were left.Betra walked to his room looked off to the horizon.Meanwhile in Lodc, Mawr was imprisoned in the jail of ilaj. Kramics top guarded prison.

“Kramic let me out before Betra returns and when he does he shall kill you and put an end to your reign.”Rasg yelled.

“Rasg, We all know that I got the most power, and the Betra got none,Even Crajin said so, I shall never die or be defeated.”

“He has power but he just does not know how to use it you tyrant.”Mawr responded.

“I am no tyrant I am just superior.”Kramic claimed.”I just deserve it.”

“Jdie Shall never let you get away with this.”Mawr said getting nervous.”Dyd shalt come also!”

“Jdie went into exile and his dead body was found three years ago, and Dyd is well… DEAD.”Kramic laughed.”I fought him right after Crajin died I paralyzed him then killed him when he tried to get up.”

“Not even the fires of hell shall accept you!”Mawr yelled.

“They’ll never get the chance.”

Mawr went silent knowing that someday Betra would return and save him but he had a feeling,a feeling burning within him. He knew that Betra would return but not for a long long time he looked off to the horizon contemplating. It had been months since Betra had been seen.

“Harder Betra you must blow them to the wall in anger!”Dyd yelled.

“More anger is not what I need.”Betra protested. “I need food and water. Servants! Bring me the best wine you have.”

“Betra! If you want to defeat Kramic you must be willing to train until your body falls from exhaustion!”Dyd said.

“How would you know?”Betra yelled.

“I lied to you, I did get power but, a long time ago right after my brother passed, I fought Kramic and got paralyzed and now I use my magic to be able to even walk.”Dyd said. “I don't want what happened to me to happen to you I want your legs to be an adversary for you.”

“My legs are an adversary to me and you if it is your will.”Betra responded.

“Fine then… Do it again!”Dyd said.

“Master I need a break to regain strength.”Betra replied.

“Fine.”Dyd said.”ten minutes

Betra left wondering why Dyd would not let him rest as he needed,he looked back and went on with his life. He went to the roof of the monastery he sat and started meditating and it was unbearably frigid and dangerously dark it was the coldest and snowiest it had ever been. Betra was told by Crajin that it would seem he had no power but that he first had to find it within him. He was thinking and contemplating when his skin started burning. He grunted but let the pain pass. He kept meditating. He started seeing war in his future and could hear someone screaming:”Stop!”. He opened his eyes and looked up and saw the sun beating on his skin and eyes. He turned around and Saw Dyd screaming at him.

“Stop Betra for the land must stay to keep the balance in Pangea!” Betra stopped and looked at Dyd.The skies became cloudy and snowy again and it became freezing again.

“Why have you stopped you apprentice?”Betra yelled.

“I knew it, you really do have power.”

Betra got down knowing what he had done. He went back to his quarters.He started an ancient ritual that had forbidden by Crajin,and for good reason,many died performing it wrong.Betra shut all light out of the room and lit Nacled candles(used for rituals)and drew Crajin’s helmet on the wall,he got a dagger and slit his wrist and got blood and put it on Crajin’s helmet right under the eye,he ripped of some cloth from his loin that had Kramic’s blood on it and put under the other the other eye.

“CRAJIN BY THE POWER OF THIS MONASTERY I MAKE THIS RITUAL IN YOUR NAME,I SWEAR BY YOUR NAME I WILL KILL KRAMIC FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO THE LAND!”Betra yelled.

The helmet came out of the wall and became an actual helmet the blood sank in becoming blood stains running down the helmet. Betra donned the helmet.

They went to a room with soldiers wearing a bunch of armour.

“Betra listen carefully.”Dyd said slowly.”Put out thine hand and say:’gted’ okay?”

“Yes Sir.”Betra responded.

Betra complied and did it at one of the soldiers the soldier flied back. He kept doing it until no more soldiers were left.

Meanwhile in Lodc, Rasg was imprisoned in the jail of ilaj. Kramics top guarded prison.

“Kramic let me out before Betra returns and when he does he shalt kill thine and put an end to thou reign.”Rasg yelled.

“Rasg, We all know that I got the most power and the Betra got none,Even Crajin said so, I shall never die or be defeated.”

“He hath power but he just does not know how to use it you tyrant.”Rasg responded.

“I am no tyrant I am just superior.”Kramic claimed.”I just deserve it.”

“Jdie Shall never let thine get away with this.”Rasg said getting nervous.”Dyd shalt come also!”

“Jdie has gone into exile and Dyd is well… DEAD.”Kramic laughed.”I fought him right after Crajin died I paralyzed him then kill him when he tried to get up.”

“Not even the fires of hell shall accept Thine!”Rasg yelled.

Rasg went silent knowing that someday Betra would return and save him but he had a feeling,a feeling burning within him. He knew that Betra would return but not for a long long time. It had been months since Betra had been seen.

“Harder Betra thou must blow them to the wall in anger!”Dyd yelled.

“More anger is not what I need.”Betra protested. “I need food and water. Servants! Bring me the best wine thou have.”

“Betra! If thou want to defeat Kramic thou must be willing to train until thine body falls from exhaustion!”Dyd said.

“How would thine know?”Betra yelled.

“I lied to thou, I did get power but, a long time ago right after my brother passed, I fought Kramic and got paralyzed and now I use my magic to be able to even walk.”Dyd said. “I don't want what happened to me to happen to thou I want thine legs to be an adversary for thou.”

“My legs are an adversary to me and thou if it is thine will.”Betra responded.

“Fine then… Do it again!”Dyd said.

“Master I need a break to regain strength.”Betra replied.

“Fine.”Dyd said.

Betra left wondering why Dyd would not let him rest as he needed,he looked back and went on with his life. He went to the roof of the monastery he sat and started meditating and it was unbearably frigid and dangerously dark it was the coldest and snowiest it had ever been. Betra was told by Crajin that it would seem he had no power but that he first had to find it within him. He was thinking and contemplating when his skin started burning. He grunted but let the pain pass. He kept meditating. He started seeing war in his future and could hear someone screaming:”Stop!”. He opened his eyes and looked up and saw the sun beating on his skin and eyes. He turned around and Saw Dyd screaming at him.

“Stop Betra for the land must stay to keep the balance in Pangea!”

Betra stopped and looked at Dyd.

“Why hath thou stopped thine apprentice?”Betra yelled.

“I knew it, you really do have power.”


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Wed May 10, 2017 12:32 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, so first I wanted to say: it's probably a good thing this isn't as long as your other entry! Shorter installments are more likely to get reviews, because people are more willing to read something short. You can scare people off by posting something too long (which I think I told you on that last thing I reviewed). So honestly it's a good thing this one is shorter.

I don't mind the characters talking with "thous" and "thees" and "hath" and so on. I would just say: if you use them, make sure to do a little research at some point before the final draft to make sure you're using them correctly. You might also want to make sure that not all your characters speak this way, because that might get grating for some people.

I am generally against prologues. (Ignoring the fact that my current WIP has one.)

However, I'm going to echo Nikayla's thoughts on the prologue. Remember the "introduction" you had in the other story, and what I said about that? Infodump! Too much information given to readers almost like it's a textbook: all at once, not dramatized at all, and super dull.

Now, I realize we might need to know that Betra is Crajin's disciple and that Kramic, the youngest disciple, went bad before the main story starts. If you'd like to include this as a prologue - since it happens so long before the main story - that's all right. But! It's only all right if you keep it short and interesting. Rather than giving us a big dump of information about exactly how all of this went down, consider giving us a single, important scene that gives us just the most important information. You actually did that right at the end of the prologue, with this bit.

Kramic stormed Lodc at 10:39 sharp on the 19th of december and killed Betras mother. At that very moment the war of Lodc(the longest battle in the history of anything) Started. Betra full of rage came down from the peak of mount Nehnk where he resided.

“Kramic thou hath gone too far this time!”Betra yelled. “I hath no more patience for thine ways of murder!”

“Betra Thou knowest what I want!”Kramic laughed. ”Give thine superior Lodc or I call upon Thar and cause real trouble.”

Mawr came and kept Betra busy while Kramic got away.

“Brother thou art more powerful than last I saw thine.”Betra said calmly.

“Thou hath no chance against me brother for I hath gained power beyond that that of Rasg the 12th.”Mawr laughed.”If thou not knowest what that means then I shall tell thine.”

“I knoweth what it hath means!”

“Now surrender or I will have to slay you!”

Betra at that time did not know what to do, He had no idea how to use his power. He knew that his brother could slay him. At that time he used his power for the first time. He teleported to a far away land.


THIS is a lot more interesting than the preceding paragraphs - you've got characters interacting, you've got dialogue, you've got battle, you've got betrayal. (That said, I think it's funny you tell us that this happened on the 19th of December at 10:39 sharp. Also it seems backwards that this is the first time Betra, the oldest of Crajin's disciples, would have used his power.) You could cut the preceding paragraphs entirely and then focus on this scene, rewriting it to hint at the information we need to understand what's happening - perhaps Betra remembers or mentions Crajin, thinking that his old teacher would be heartbroken if he saw how far Kramic has fallen.

So this still needs work, but it's definitely an improvement over the intro to the other story. It looks like you're starting to see what needs to be done in a prologue - when a prologue is necessary - to make it more interesting.

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Kimball says...


Thank you.



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Wed May 10, 2017 10:22 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I don't know if the 'Pangea' in this novel is the same as the Pangaea we see in history because of the little context that you give the reader on that. I'm not a fan of the first couple of paragraphs due to the majority of it being exposition. A prologue is not for you to simply explain and info-dump what the story is going to be about--that's lazy writing.

Instead of this, I suggest if you want to have a prologue, it should be giving us a glimpse of the atmosphere or what's about to come. I believe that you might find this article helpful when it comes to prologues since it covers when adding a prologue is beneficial, and when it is not.

I'm a little off-put by the dialogue in not only the prologue, but the first chapter as well. It's verbose when it doesn't need to be and I think that thou needst to be more simple, if you knoweth what I meaneth. Adding the suffixes -eth and -st don't add to your writing, instead it makes the reader have a harder time taking you seriously, and a harder time understanding your story.

Nobody wants to read a whole novel with that type of dialogue or writing. You could claim that it adds to the novel in that it's how they speak, but how are they speaking Old English if this takes place in Pangea? And that's why it's confusing--we don't know the world as of now in this first chapter. I'd prefer to see the world built on in context clues and not info-dumping it onto the reader. Saying "this takes place in Pangea where the continents never ended up separating" breaks character and makes the novel feel less real--it makes it harder for the reader to be immersed.

It seems that your space key died throughout the chapter. I just wanted to point out a handful of the grammar mistakes and not all of them because that would take ages. Here are a couple examples of what I mean below.

“Thou hath no chance against me brother for I hath gained power beyond that that of Rasg the 12th.”Mawr laughed.”If thou not knowest what that means then I shall tell thine.”


Should be:

“Thou hath no chance against me brother, for I hath gained power beyond that that of Rasg the 12th.” Mawr laughed, ”If thou not knowest what that means then I shall tell thine.”


Are the commas and spaces I added noticeable here? How about when I do it to these lines of dialogue? Before:

“Jdie Shall never let thine get away with this.”Rasg said getting nervous.”Dyd shalt come also!”

“Jdie has gone into exile and Dyd is well… DEAD.”Kramic laughed.”I fought him right after Crajin died I paralyzed him then kill him when he tried to get up.”


After:

“Jdie shall never let thine get away with this.” Rasg said, getting nervous. ”Dyd shalt also come!”

“Jdie has gone into exile, and Dyd is, well… DEAD.” Kramic laughed. "I fought him right after Crajin died. I paralyzed him and then killed him when he tried to get up.”


Going over this with a grammar checker would be beneficial, though they won't catch all of your mistakes. I suggest learning more on how to proofread. The main problems that I wanted to point out was the lack of spacing between lines of dialogue and dialogue tags. Not only that, but the added punctuation to make it flow more smoothly.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped, and best wishes to you if you decide to revise or edit this first chapter.

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