Are You Alone In This World?

thanks for your comments, all of them, i appreciate them .

kim

I have a hard time with your comment Gadi. Being mean to people to help them? Isn't that an oxymoron? People can critique, but do you really have to show your stuff by being obnoxious? Seriously, point out what the writer needs to change, but if you don't like the subject matter, that doesnt need to be said.
What a boring world this would be if we were all alike. Don't you think?

Carl

Hmm, I have to say I quite liked this. I still like you other poems better though; I know you can do a lot better than this.

I liked the structure of it all; it was easy to work with and it helped with the flow and rhythm meaning that when it's read out loud, it sounds quite majestic.

The idea was wonderful, but I think that maybe it was - I'm not sure how I can put this. It wasn't very original, but I think it may have been a little cliche too; I don't know if that's the right word to use. When we think or God, or anything Holy, we always mention someone going through a hard time and then turning to their religion, whatever it may be. You never really see a poem about that that has a happy meaning to it; maybe someone offering thanks to the Lord for a certain thing?

I don't know; I myself, am not very religious so of course you don't have to listen to me.

Good work, once again Kimmy,
GingerLove

I happen to completely agree with Amelia on this one. Even her choices on the paragraphs (nice work ^.^). I also agree with Gladi on the treatment of Amelia. This is what critquing is about, honest feedback, what's the point of lying? It'll just hurt the individual later.

From the first stanza I could tell where the poem was going, and it seemed much longer than it needed to be. I think the flow was okay, thought not brilliant. When reading the poem I occasionally felt myself stop at odd spots, where my mind thought there should be more.

"Are you alone in this world?
No you are never alone.
There is always one who loves you."

"No, you are never alone" (added the comma) Seems to stop my mouth when it wants to continue. The full stop is not needed, a comma would suffice. You do this in a few spots. Try reading through the poem out loud. Add the most natural punctuation and feeling that you can.

In the end I felt the poem was slightly tepid. I couldn't get into it. I understood the religious allusion, it was rather obvious (to me anyway) and I think you did that in a nice way. It has huge amounts of potential.

Keep it up.

Any comments, rants or hate-mail? Feel free to pm me.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

This poem really touched me, I am not an expert on writing poems, but I do know what I like. This flowed well and was easy to read. It touched me in a way I did not expect it to. It puts things into perspective for me. Thank you for writing this, I needed to read it.

Hummingbird

Amelia doesn't need to give some "slack"! That's the whole point of critiquing--being mean to people in order to help them. I think her suggestions are incredibly just. If she said, "Oh, this poem is great" to every poem on the site, there would be no good poets!

Now for the critique:

The rhythm, I must say, was incredible. Your words really flowed out on this, didn't they? I could read it and my tongue just rolled like waves until the end.

Other than that...meh. I don't see what all the hype is about. A good concept, with some pretty bad... well... almost everything... except rhythm of course--which is fantastic--makes an okay poem.

You never show us. This is more like an endless, repetitive chant, sorta like a church sermon,

Some suggestions:

Include MORE:
anecdotes
metaphores
imagery

DELETE:
the first stanza and the last three stanzas
all the "Come to Me and I will do something to you" lines. Unnecessary repetition that is somewhat cliche.

An example that really disattracted me from this poem:
"When your heart aches.
And feels empty.
I will give you My embrace. "
Heart aches are such a cliche these days. "And feels empty." Okay, which one is it--empty or aching? "I will give you My embrace." Why not just the simple "I will embrace you."

Much less confusing. Much clearer.

what to say. i really like the poem.
half way thru i figured out who "Me" is.
that changed the way i read it, so i had to go back and start over.
this was very touching and different then the normal teen angst that is found in most poems. i did not find this blatant or repetitous. unfare to say that.
i dont see any grammar errors to speak of.

well done.

carl

I liked everything about this poem. I could tell it came from your heart and that is the best way to write anything.

i just want to thank everyone that has commented. i appreciate all of it.
thanks again.

kim

I think this poem is great kim.
keep up the good work.

Amelia i agree with bigbadbear.
Give everyone some slack.
Not everyone is a great writer.

Amelia, you could at least give her some good advice and not to tear her down. I mean, come on! How would you feel if I said that your poem sucked?

Sorry kim. I loved this poem as I have said before. Keep it up!

This all seemed rather blatant to me, right from the first stanza:

Are you alone in this world?
No you are never alone.
There is always one who loves you.

wow...that was beautiful. I'm not a poetry expert so I really don't have a good critique, but I just had to say that I really liked it.

Hey! Kim this is great. I thought that the Narrator was God, which He probably is. Anyway, Kim I loved this more than anything else you have written, besides your novel. This is the best poem you have written, and it has really touched me. Kim, I loved this so much, and I hope that you are proud of yourself. I am going to copy and paste this and hang it up in my room. Is that alright with you? I won't do it w/out your permission though. Kim, I just loved this poem. It really affected me.

Thanks alot Kim. This poem has made my day!


BBB

not bad, this could be a song that a praise and worship band would like.

this reminds me of the Psalms, personally im not so much into alot of the Psalms, so idk what critique really to give cause its not my forte.

A new waa y of putting Loneliness. Truly, it brings about the message of hope and friendship.

Question, since the "me"s
are with capital "M"s, the speaker of the poem is God, right?

And since it's Free verse, I like it even more.

One thing: should "hurting" be "hurt" here?

When you are hurting.

Nice.

At first when I saw the title, I thought it'd be some cliched teen angsty one, but it was good!

Wow! thats i so good!
sniffle it nearly made me cry even though i'm a guy
Lolz
AWESOME!!!

I like the poem, and I like the subject mater.

The only thing I found that I didn't like about the poem was this

Are you alone in this world?
No you are never alone.
There is always one who loves you.

Does your soul ache with loneliness?
There are many out there, who feel the same.
The despair takes over; it is hard to rise above it.