Published July 9, 2012
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139,870 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
"All around us chaos ensues, yet its what I dreamed of."
I think it ought to be "dreamt" and not "dreamed".
A very deep and thought provoking work indeed. I think it should have delved deeper into the masked-state. The finale was good, gripping I must say.
The play of words is subtle, they flow freely. The use of punctuation marks is a bit too much to my liking. I dont know if its just me, but I feel every line must not be terminated with a punctuation mark.
A very good poem otherwise, really well written.
Hey, Nargles to give you a review.
Firstly I laugh the meaning and message behind it. I also love the setting in which you decided to address this message.
You have some great ideas and lines in this piece.
Okay some things that I think could have been done better:
1) Descriptive language is very important in a poem like this and I think that you need to work on this in order for the poem to step up a notch.
2) You don't have an exact flow, in fact you don't really have a flow at all. There are some parts where there is a bit of flow but then it just stops all of a sudden and it got a bit frustrating to read.
3) you don't really describe the story, more narrate what is going on like a report. This ties in with descriptive language in the sense that if you describe what is going then it is going to be a lot more believable to the reader as it makes them feel as if they are there.
4) Try evoking more emotion form the reader. I feel that if you use more poetic devices then you can really pull on the heart things and make it more relate-able to everyone.
Like I said you have a great idea but I feel as if you have played it safe. Poetry is about saying things in different ways, to do this you need to take risks. It needs to make a person think about what you have written for days to come.
Try to broaden your vocab and use emotive language and take risks.
If you do this then I think that you well have a great poem. Poetry is hard trust me but with practise you will find yourself improving so much.
Keep writing and good job!!
Nargles xxx
*love not laugh.
oops!