Published June 23, 2011
The cool wind blows my hair in front of my eyes
but I pay no regard
we had walked here multiple times,
your cheery eyes return to haunt me
the ever-present smile burned into my head
I suppose it appeared in front of everyone
But I thought I was the only one it made melt
My feet start to move, but it no longer sounds the same
gentle raindrops patter on my numb body
She made you swoon, didn't she?
She was your reason for waking up
If you hadn't provided false hope,
maybe I wouldn't be here with you on my mind
I could never be her
deep down inside, I knew
Knew they were lies
Knew I could never live up to standards
but I'll keep walking
Your memory a flame still ignited powerfully
maybe she'll be the one
and perhaps I'll find your replacement
That lightning in the sky is bright
The thunder just sounding closer and closer
My clothes drip wet, maybe my tears made a contribution
Regardless, I'll keep walking
Walking along, passing these dark, mocking clouds
and I'll search for sunlight
This road has no more
Where this road ends,
I hope I'll find sunlight,
and you'll be around to see it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,463 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Alright, here to review for the contest! I did like this, but some parts didn't flow right. Still, a nice poem. Alright, here we go; my comments will be blue!
A very sweet ending, but could be stronger.Will you possibly add more punctuation? I didn't mention most of it, but you used some, so you need to be more consistent with it. I liked the idea of the metaphor you were using. I hope I didn't seem too mean in the review, but there were some things I wanted to mention. This is good, but maybe you could try to rework it and make it even better. It seems emotional and numb, so try to play that up and work with it. Never stop writing! <3
Wow, this was really great. I completely loved it. One thing I would suggest, though, is maybe if you're going to add a little punctuation, trying doing punctuation for the entire thing. It was fine just like this, but it might be worth trying. Otherwise, extremely well writ! Keep it up!
This short review probably didn't help much, but I'm not in the best reviewing shape, and I'm not the best at reviewing this sort of thing anyway. I think overall, you do an OK job; you have a lot of the narrator's thoughts and emotions, which is good, and it tidies off to a nice ending. To me, it seemed to drag on a little, and I felt like you could have told your story in a shorter space, but it's no biggie.
I enjoyed it, which is something I rarely say f stories of this type. It's a strong voice that remains present throughout and a nice use of vivid imagery, which help to make up any of the more recognizable points of the genre. The actual flow suffers a bit in that many points flutter from one subject to the next without break. Further Separation of your stanzas can help alleviate this. There are points where the compressed lines counteract with the longer ones in a jarring manner, such as the first two lines, the first would flow better if broken up to suit a prose style.
This is a subject used often in story and poetry writing especially that i find extremely bland, yet you add a personal feeling and unique style that so many other pieces of this type that populate this site fail to do. The touches of hope add sparks of life to the piece and the overall work is greatly improved for it.
Very well done.
Sorry, this review isnn't going to be much help. I really liked your poem, and I want to hear more!
Keep Writing,
Bel