"TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!" roared Arieras.
He hit the orc across the face with his shield.
"I..I.. don't know" The orc stuttered.
Arieras turned to the bigger orc to his left. His face glistened amongst the candles.
"Perhaps you will tell me." he whispered.
The bigger orc spat at him, so Arieras smashed him with the hilt of his sword. But still no answer, he hit him a couple more times. But the bigger orc only spat out his blood.
He span around to the smaller orc and slammed his sword into the its leg.
It groaned out in pain.
"OK OK, their behind Ceris hill.."
Arieras smiled, but the bigger orc shot him the smaller one a glare.
His deep voice rang out through the caverns.
"I'm gonna ave yur ead!" he roared out.
The smaller orc gulped. But before he could say anything else, armored guards walked down through the path.
They untied the ropes. The smaller orc was taken away with ease, they slammed him in the cell, but the bigger one posed a problem.
As soon as he was untied, he roared up and smacked two guards down.
He was charging at Arieras, but he span and swiped his sword across the big orcs knee. And he fell down yelling in pain.
"Take him to the cell."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I hardly think that this needs rating at all Griffinkeeper. but then again I dont agree witht eh rating system at all. Why rate text? In england I could go into a shop and buy any book I wanted whether it be porn or torturous. There are no age limits on text. Its images that have the ratings.
As for the crit, all of the points can be found in the seconds part of the story.
*Rated PG-13 for Violence*
interesting. A very intersting start. Already we have a hero and a problem. the fundamentals. well allow me to read the others. so far so good.
((('And lastly, try to get your tone down for this story, it's a Fantasy, and it's written as if you're telling the reader a story from 2005.'
Im a bit confussed, what do you mean?)))
I'm trying to comment on the tone, word choice, and flow of your piece.
It all seems a bit too modern.
After glancing over WD's critique, I'd suggest you note her changes, she did it right.
I've pointed out most of my concerns above. This story was interesting and has potential. I don't have time to go through this entire story, pick out each problem I see and explain it in detail, but I will suggest a major edit. Mind you, , edit is not a bad thing - it only improves what you have.
1. First, this seems very abrupt and the orc gives in awfully easily. I don't know what has happened before this, but consider how abrupt it must seem to the reader.
2. You use words like slam, slash, and smash repeatedly which sound almost overexaggerated - try describing exactly how Arieras injures the orcs instead of using overused and violent words to convey fierceness.
3. Watch your word choice
4. Describing the setting more would do you a great deal of good
5. Perhaps delving a little more into characters' emotions would create more of a connection to that character. Perhaps reveal some motives. Why is Arieras doing this? Why are the orcs not wanting to tell him?
Nice job and please keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.
'And lastly, try to get your tone down for this story, it's a Fantasy, and it's written as if you're telling the reader a story from 2005.'
Im a bit confussed what do u mean
Like third person? You can. But what exactly are you asking?
oh and some one probably will say this, so imm gonna say it now.
after reading it through i found the error i made
"He span around to the smaller orc and slammed his sword into the its leg."
______________
I dont know what happened, just a mess up. But i know the mistake.
Why cant I do the story as if im there, watching it?
Potential. Mucho Potential.
Overuse of the word 'orc', 'their' should be 'there' in this sentece
"OK OK, their behind Ceris hill.."
Apart from that, this IS an interrogation scene, so maybe it could be a little more intense?
And lastly, try to get your tone down for this story, it's a Fantasy, and it's written as if you're telling the reader a story from 2005.
It's good though.
I might've missed a few things, I'm rushed here, so PM me if you need anything.
-MH