Young Writers Society

I hardly think that this needs rating at all Griffinkeeper. but then again I dont agree witht eh rating system at all. Why rate text? In england I could go into a shop and buy any book I wanted whether it be porn or torturous. There are no age limits on text. Its images that have the ratings.

As for the crit, all of the points can be found in the seconds part of the story.

*Rated PG-13 for Violence*

Killer-Ewok wrote:"TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!" roared Arieras.
He hit the orc across the face with his shield.
"I..I.. don't know" The orc stuttered.
I would make the orc a little more dumb. Like "I...I...no Know."
Arieras turned to the bigger orc to his left. His face glistened amongst the candles.
"Perhaps you will tell me." he whispered.
The bigger orc spat at him, so Arieras smashed him with the hilt of his sword. But still no answer, he hit him a couple more times. But the bigger orc only spat out his blood.

He span around to the smaller orc and slammed his sword into the its leg.
It groaned out in pain.
"OK OK, their behind Ceris hill.."
Arieras smiled, but the bigger orc shot him the smaller one a glare.
you don't need him
His deep voice rang out through the caverns.
"I'm gonna ave yur ead!" he roared out.
The smaller orc gulped. But before he could say anything else, armored guards walked down through the path.
They untied the ropes. The smaller orc was taken away with ease, they slammed him in the cell, but the bigger one posed a problem.
As soon as he was untied, he roared up and smacked two guards down.
He was charging at Arieras, but he span and swiped his sword across the big orcs knee. And he fell down yelling in pain.

"Take him to the cell."

((('And lastly, try to get your tone down for this story, it's a Fantasy, and it's written as if you're telling the reader a story from 2005.'

Im a bit confussed, what do you mean?)))

I'm trying to comment on the tone, word choice, and flow of your piece.

It all seems a bit too modern.

After glancing over WD's critique, I'd suggest you note her changes, she did it right.

"TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!" roared Arieras. [intense beginning- catches reader attention]He hit the orc across the face with his shield.
"I..I.. don't know" The orc stuttered. [no slight description of the orc? What is the orc's tone? Is he confused? Is he being secretive? Stubborn? How does the orc say it? Is his speech clear or slurred? Some clarification might be nice]
Arieras turned to the bigger orc to his left. His face glistened amongst the candles. [there are candles in the room - more description of where he is might be nice so we know why there are candles]
"Perhaps you will tell me." he whispered.
The bigger orc spat at him, so Arieras smashed him [smashed him? be more specific with where the orc is being smashed] with the hilt of his sword. But still no answer,[run on - need semicolon or period here] he hit him a couple more times. But the bigger orc only spat out his blood.

He span around to the smaller orc and slammed his sword into the its [?]leg.
It groaned out in pain. [no, you do not groan out. you groan. You can cry out, but you do not groan out]
"OK OK, their behind Ceris hill.." [firstly, their should = they're. Secondly, why is the orc giving up this easily. Yes, I know, he's in pain, but I would expect more resistance. Lastly, 'ok' is a more modern term and I can't imagine an orc who has been resiting saying that. It sounds like he's whining.]
Arieras smiled, but the bigger orc shot him the smaller one a glare.
His deep voice rang out through the caverns.
"I'm gonna ave yur ead!" he roared out. [speech is very modern]
The smaller orc gulped. But before he could say anything else, armored guards walked down through the path.
They untied the ropes. The smaller orc was taken away with ease, they slammed[/color[color=red]][you already used this word] him in the cell, but the bigger one posed a problem.
As soon as he was untied, he roared up [he roared... up? no]and smacked two guards down. [he just... smacked them? Better word would be nice here]
He was charging at Arieras, but he span (should be spun) and swiped his sword across the big orcs knee. And he fell down yelling in pain.

"Take him to the cell."

'And lastly, try to get your tone down for this story, it's a Fantasy, and it's written as if you're telling the reader a story from 2005.'

Im a bit confussed what do u mean

Like third person? You can. But what exactly are you asking?

oh and some one probably will say this, so imm gonna say it now.
after reading it through i found the error i made

"He span around to the smaller orc and slammed his sword into the its leg."
______________
I dont know what happened, just a mess up. But i know the mistake.

Why cant I do the story as if im there, watching it?

Potential. Mucho Potential.

Overuse of the word 'orc', 'their' should be 'there' in this sentece

"OK OK, their behind Ceris hill.."

Apart from that, this IS an interrogation scene, so maybe it could be a little more intense?

And lastly, try to get your tone down for this story, it's a Fantasy, and it's written as if you're telling the reader a story from 2005.

It's good though.

I might've missed a few things, I'm rushed here, so PM me if you need anything.

-MH