Brittany sat quietly in her dark living room. She had just gotten the worst call of her life. "He can't be gone! No he was my best friend, he can't be gone!"
Brittany lived in a small town in Montana. Not to many people knew of this town. She was a tall girl, about 5'10. She had short, curly, blonde hair and green eyes. She had also just celebrated her twentieth birthday. Her house particularly was set back away from the rest of the town, very far away. Her house was an old house that someone plopped back in the middle of a forest nearby. Someone who probably loved nature and wanted to live right in the middle of it so they built a house there. Or maybe it was a recluse that hated society so he or she lived as far away from it as possible.
Either way Brittany loved her house. It was beautiful. She enjoyed waking up to a beautiful sunrise and watching the rabbit and deer drink from the river in front of her house. Even the occasional red tail fox or a wolf. She loved it. Or, she used to love it.
Just recently the town, including Brittany has been in a state of panic. There has been someone or something killing off people one by one. Brittany was scared she was next. She hated being so far away from the town, so far away from a police station or hospital.
She didn't know what she would do if the town's killer showed up at her house. She would be totally helpless.
"You already killed Jack!" Brittany screamed into the empty house. "You killed my best friend! Whatever you are, what more do you want?"
Brittany fell to her knees beating on her hardwood floor with her fists causing her hands to bruise. But she didn't mind the pain. Her body was numb. The only pain she felt was the heartbreaking loss she felt after being told that Jack was gone.
Jack and Brittany had been best friends since they were kids. They met when Brittany was in fourth grade in elementary school. Some of their fellow classmates were bullying her. She remembered that day well. They were pushing her down after recess, they wouldn't let her get to her next class. They kept saying she was stupid and weak. The one biggest bully clenched her hand into a fist and pulled her hand back, as if charging up for a punch. She backed up into the corner and closed her eyes preparing herself for the blow. But nothing happened. She opened one eye to see Jack standing there. He had caught the girl's fist easily and stopped it in mid swing. She remembered his exact words. "Don't pick on her anymore. She is my best friend, if you mess with her you'll have to deal with me."
Back then Jack was about 5'3, due to the fact he was only in sixth grade. He had spiked brown hair and dark eyes. The only difference now was that he had grown to be 6 foot tall and had shaggy hair, about shoulder length.
"He was always there to protect me!" Brittany started to cry. The realization just hit her. "He was always there for me and I couldn't even be there for him!"
"Are you sad because of the loss of Jack? You feel horrible that you couldn't be there for him, aren't you Brittany?" Asked a man's voice mockingly.
Brittany's whole body shook. Where did that voice come from?
"Who's there?" She said quietly.
The voice only laughed. "You can't guess?"
Brittany Jumped up as a shadow went across the room.
"Show yourself!" She shouted into the darkness.
"Do you really want me to? Just a warning I'm not a pretty sight."
Brittany stayed silent. "Is this the killer?" She thought to herself.
The voice chuckled once more. "As you wish then. Ready or not here I come!"
The house went silent. The whole place seemed uneasy. Then suddenly a face shown in the reflection of the living room television. Brittany spun around to face the man.
Brittany had to take a step back. The man had long dark hair, reaching down to the middle of his back. There were scars scattered across his face. One scar went clear through his left eye which was clouded over and grey. The other was a crystal blue. He wore a red bandana across his forehead, probably to cover more scars Brittany assumed. He also wore a pair of dark, torn up blue jeans and a leather jacket over his black shirt. He was a tall man. slightly taller than Jack was, slightly stronger looking as well. And he had an evil grin.
"Do you really think I would kill Jack with out taking you too Brittany?"
Brittany gasped. This was the killer. just as she thought.
"You killed my best friend!" Brittany dared to take a step forward.
"You are really going to try to put up a fight?" He laughed as he reached his hand into his jacket and pulled out a small handgun. He smiled, as he pointed it at Brittany. "This may be small. But one shot and you will be dead!"
Brittany froze. She didn't know what to do. She wouldn't have a chance against him since he had a gun. Thankfully he lowered it.
"But no, I don't want to kill you just yet. Lets have a little fun first!"
The man easily jumped over the couch and stood in front of Brittany. By instinct Brittany turned and ran toward the back door, but the man beat her to it. Brittany had no clue how he did it but in a split second he was standing in front of the door with that same evil smile on his face.
Brittany grabbed a nearby picture frame that was hanging on the wall. It was a picture of her and Jack. She raised it high above her head and threw it down on top of the man with all her strength. But the man did not seem phased. He still stood there, with that same smile as shards of shattered glass fell from his body. It didn't leave a scratch on his body.
Brittany turned and ran toward her kitchen. But again the man was blocking her way before she could even make it half way there.
"You aren't going to win Brittany!" The man's laughs rang threw the house.
"What are you?" Brittany screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are you some kind of demon?" Brittany fell to her knees.
"Oh no you have got it all wrong!" The man's voice started to change. It got deeper and louder."I am an angel!" He sounded inhuman.
Brittany almost ran back. Her eyes were wide as she watched the man, terrified. His body started changing. He grew taller, almost to the point where he couldn't fit in the room. He bent down arching his back and his skin tore open on each of his shoulder blades. It looked as if something was growing out of his back. They were wings.
"You are no angel!" Brittany's whole body was trembling.
"Oh but I am!" He spread his wings. They were huge! They looked like how writers described a dragon's wings in the fairy tales. They looked shiny and they had dark black scales. They also had large, sharp talons on each corner.
The man slowly stood up as straight as he could in the small house to look Brittany in the eye. The skin on his face looked like it was completely burn off. "I am the angel of death!" His voice boomed through Brittany's house shattering all the windows and causing the ground to shake terribly. Brittany tried to stand but couldn't keep her balance because of the violent earthquake.
"What are you going to do to me?" Brittany sobbed.
"The same thing I did to your beloved friend." The dark angel stomped his foot causing the hardwood floor to crack. "I am going to kill you!"
The wind was blowing harshly at this time as if Brittany's house was in the eye of a tornado. The Angel's hair whipped wildly around his face and his eyes were now a blood red. He grinned showing off his sharp fangs.
"Your all out of fight Brittany?" His voice threatened to burst Brittany's eardrums. "Are you to scared to battle an angel? Remember I killed your best friend! Don't you want to try and fight back?"
Every one of his words stabbed Brittany like a sharp knife.Was she really going to be a coward. Just like how she was in fourth grade? She had no chance if she fought back, she knew that. But did she really want to die a coward?
"No!" She screamed as loud as she could above the angry tornado. She forced herself to her feet and stood tall in front of the giant angel.
The angel smiled. "You are really going to try and beat me?"
"No, I know I can't beat you." Brittany smiled back. "But I have to try! For Jack!"
Brittany ran toward the man. She was angry and hurt. She wasn't going to win this. But she was going to die defending Jack. She was going to die defending her best friend.
The man laughed at her pathetic attempt to charge him. "Stupid girl."
He raised his foot and kicked her hard. She flew across the room and hit the wall.
"He is too strong" Brittany lay there as tears poured from her eyes. But yet she got up again. Shakily she stood to face the man. "I will not be a coward!" She shouted up to him and ran forward once more. This time she surprisingly dodged his kick. And hit him as hard as she could in his stomach. As her hand hit his stomach she screamed in agony. His body was as hard as rock. The hit shattered every bone in her hand. She fell in front him, balancing her weight on her one arm.
The angel laughed. "Are you done?"
Brittany's hand was throbbing.
She couldn't ignore the pain. The was facing the floor and she heard the angel bending over her. She could feel his hot breath against her back. The tornado seemed to stop. The earth was no longer shaking. All was quiet, all Brittany heard was his breath above her own and her almost silent cries. There was only one more thing she could do. she forced herself to reach into her pocket and pull out the gun. The man had dropped it in all the excitement and Brittany found it under a pile of debris when she hit the wall.
Brittany rolled over onto her back and was face to face with the angel. She pointed the gun to his head.
"No. I'm not done!" Using her strong hand she closed her eyes and forced her finger down. She screamed out in agony as she pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. The gun had no bullets.
Brittany slowly opened her eyes. The angel was standing over her. He had a huge sword in his hand and Brittany could tell he was aiming for her neck. He grinned evilly as he said one last thing to her.
"Your done."
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Just fix the spacing in between some words. That's all.
I loved it had a enough detail and emotion to keep me reading. Also kept me on my toes was really rooting for her to make it. The ending wasn't the worst I'm guessing though she didn't make it. Overall pretty good and I will wait with patience for the conclusion.
I loved it even though it was a bit sad. I usually don't read sad stories but this one had so much detail and emotion running through the story I just had to continue reading to see what happens next. But the ending just irritates. "Your done." What happens next does she die or does she some how get out alive and avenge Jack!?! But it was still really good.
II love the story. It makes me feel as if I'm in the character's shoes. The dialogue and the modifiers and descriptors are perfectly balanced out. I like the concept and the plot line. But I have to re-read many sentences to understand you might try and change the wording. But if I ignored that it was a great story. I'll eagerly await the conclusion.
Wow!! so live imagery !. Very nice. This is a short review of this fiction . I like the story and concept . I don't know whether it is a problem of my browser but the words are mixed up with each other which makes sometime hard for the reader to read the sentence, Otherwise It is a brilliant story and it creates a suspense whether the girl was killed or not . I'll wait for its conclusion .
I LIKE IT!!!!Can't wait the next part.You did a werry nice job.
Oh,what an insane piece! I love it! It could blossom into a story that could rip someone heart out! I would seriously love to read more! However,there do seem to be quite a few mistakes!
Your missing a lot of spaces between words...'Asher handhithis stomach shescreamedinagony-' should be 'As her hand hit his stomach she screamed in agony-"
'She screamed out in agonyas she pulled thetrigger.' the spaces better agony-as and the-trigger. Just proof read that and I'm sure it will be less...sloppy.
Also, your vocabulary is a little below par. you could defiantly add better vocab, such as replace screaming with something like this
{quote}This time she surprisingly dodged his kick.And hit himas hard as she could in his stomach.Asher handhithis stomach shescreamedinagony. His body was as hard as rock.The hit shattered every bone in her hand. She fell in front him, balancing her weight on her one arm.{quote}
Change that too....' However, this time she dodged his kick and went to strike him as hard as she could. A miracle she could move fast enough to do anything to him, she was less lucky with her strength. As her hand formed a fist that she drove into his stomach, a shrill sound of agony forced its way out of her throat and into the cold air between them. His body, a carved piece of heat-sucked marble, had shattered every bone in her hand. She collapsed in front of him, struggling to balance her weight on her good arm.' or something like that. Use more vocab, maybe Anguish to replace some agony words, or wails to replace screams.
However,all over the piece was good! All you need to do is proofread then rethink some repeated words and find other ones to describe.
The emotions were nice and didn't seem forced, so nice job with that! Your writing style is odd, but I like it. Here's the grammactical errors:
"Yourdone." - you mushed those words together, unless that was intentional? Plus, it needs an apostrophe.
'She pointed thegun to his head.' Another word mush. Fix it.
"andforced her finger down." Once again, another word mush.
There are plenty others but I'm pretty sure you could spot them. I think the dialogue would flow better if you instead of putting "you are" you could put you're at times.
The rest was fine. Overall, this is well written. The opening was very hooking and pleasing to the reader. Keep writing and happy Easter.
He-llo! I am here to review your work...now let's see what we got:
-First would be the story. I loved how it went, the way you easily make the reader get sucked in by the horror Brittany is facing, is simply delightful. Your plot structure was flawless and the way you portray the angel of death had me laughing evilly...*whispers* "No offense Brittany."
What can I say, I love a good villain.
-Second would be...Grammar! Now this one concerned me a bit 'cause I saw that in many places you didn't put space between the words. And in most you confused some words with homonyms. For example:
"Youaren'tgoing towin Brittany!" The man's laughsrang threw the house.
Correct way:
"You aren't going to win Brittany!" The man's laugh rang *through* the house.
See the difference? The space makes it simpler for the reader to read. In the part where it says "man's laughsrang" besides separating the words, try eliminating that extra "s" in laugh, unless the guy has more than one voice inside him, don't add the "s". And lastly it would be *through*(meaning: go by something or pass by one end to the other) not *threw* (meaning:to cast, fling, or hurl a missile or the like at something).
-And thirdly is the emotions. At times it felt a bit cliché but you managed to make it yours throughout the story. (Not a feat. everyone can accomplish) And you were able to make the reader enjoy the horror portrayed here. So hands down, you nailed it.
Anyways I believe my job here is done. Thank you for making this lovely short horror story it literally which I very much enjoyed, and now I must be going...many reviews to do.
The spaces were there! I made sure of it when I previewed it!...I dont know why they didnt show.
Great story! =) I really liked how it leaves you hanging at the end when she is about to die (or not?). One thing thought that really really urked me was that some (a lot) of the words were mooshed together. And being an avid reader, that got me very very confused when I was reading. I kind of felt that the whole setting was too laid out for the reader. I kind of like imagining more of the setting. thats just me. But over all, I really liked this story, and I really want more stories by you! =)
Woah. Did you hear that noise? That was my mind being blown. This was a great concept, main character, and writing style. I loved it!
Brittany's emotions were very easily understood, and effortlessly written. Throughout the entire story, I noticed that it was lacking the necessary spacing. It appears that your space bar might be a bit sticky. Proofreading before uploading might be a good idea. There were a few grammatical errors, but they weren't that bad.
When I read the part that described the wings, I stopped. This was not detailed, or expressive enough. I had to rack my brain thinking 'how do authors describe dragon wings?' I didn't really get an image in my head, as everyone has a unique view, especially when it involves dragons. I'd suggest getting an image of the wings in your head, and writing down all the adjectives that describe them. Then you could pick your favorite to put in the story.
When the battle kicked off, I got excited. I love epic fantasy battles, and you wrote the fight with straightforward power. I liked when the angel flung Brittany against the wall. That's one of my favorite moves. When Brittany punched him, and it "shattered every bone in her hand" I found that a bit unlikely, as there are 27 bones in the human hand. It might be more believable to some if the 'every' was removed.
The ending was great. I felt like it was one of those 'uh-oh' moments. I love uh-oh moments. You write with a fluency that kept the story interesting the whole way through. Overall, I thought the story was great, and I really liked it. The story was a good length. You managed to get your point across without taking to much time. The story was fabulous! Good job!
Forgetting about all the grammar and punctuation mistakes, this was pretty good. The suspense was pretty well written, as was the emotions Brittany felt after hearing about the loss of Jack.
But, alas, there were a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes. I think that if you went through and added where it needs to be added, and take away where it needs to be taken away, this would be a really good piece.
I also saw several places were descriptions were overused (i.e. when they were in the fourth grade in elementary school. "in elementary school" is unnecessary. Just say "when they were in fourth grade".)
Another thing. You used a lot of "she" and "her" in the beginning paragraphs. That was a bit excessive and made the intro into the story very boring.
Also, be sure you stick to one tense. You switch back and forth between them in one paragraph up and the top. It threw me off and I was like, what? So yeah. Just minor changes and this should be a really good piece.
Hope this helps
Overall that was a very cool story, and I liked how the reader's perception of the killer went from seeing a killer to seeing a demon to seeing the angel of death.
The opening sentence was interesting and pulled the reader in, and the second paragraph covered important details of character and setting without being redundant. (However it could ideally be split into two paragraphs, one about Brittney and another about the setting. Also, the background story about Jack could be moved to the beginning and coupled with Brittney's description because it's current placement was awkward and cut the flow of the story).
Description of the house was good, and it definitely enhanced the story.
The dialogue was a bit awkward in some places (one particularly glaring example was when Brittney says "he is too strong").
The story is alright, but you missed spacing in a lot of places. Also you do not use many personal pronouns within the writing. All throughout the story all I saw was, " Brittany did this, Brittany said this. The angle said this, and The angle did that." It was a continuous annoyance while I was reading. In some places, I saw fragments of pronouns, but I wasn't enough to keep me for becoming borde. Your spacing and pronoun use are the only thing that needs improvement here.
Wow! Hello there!
Okay let me tell you, I really liked! the suspense was aweseome! and the andel was cool!
A lot of your words were put together kind of hard to read, I still got a lot out of it though!
and it was almost like she had known the angel but didn't, that was interesting to me, Yeah so I really liked it, the only thing would be the words and some things they said, besides that I thought it was good~
Thanks you made my day
See this writing piece as a chance to improve. It's a nice example of an early writing style that I really think you can refine overall, and just learn from this.
I'll be blunt, the sentence structure is basic and linear. Which is some ways is a good thing. I mean it's easy enough to understand, but for the reader, it's not engaging. A large part of this is the "Show don't tell rule" which someone might have told you about before. On a basic level it demonstrates that it is much much easier for a reader to follow a story that focuses on the consequences of those actions as opposed to the action itself. Don't narrate. Don't tell the person what's happening second by second.
Look it's perfectly normal, every writer does this at some point and this is just a stepping stone. You'll get better, I know you will.
Keep writing, your good and you can be so much better.
Hi Kevybearsbunny! You're pretty new so welcome to YWS! I hope you like it so far.
Now, I think you have a good premise here. The story is interesting, and I definitely got more into it toward the end.
The beginning, however, is pretty boring. Which isn't good because that's what is going to draw the reader in. Launching into a bunch of details about Brittany's house does not do that. I might instead start with the phone call. Maybe you can have her doing something (chopping veggies for instance, since that gives her a weapon, or something that shows her personality) when the phone rings. You can reveal some of the expository info in the conversation (maybe the person calling knows she's so isolated and expresses concern).
I'm also wondering why the Angel of Death is so interested in this little town. It seems sort of random to me. Obviously this is a short story, but you could perhaps hint at his motives in the dialogue.
Last, there's some grammar errors (besides the odd spacing, which I understand wasn't intentional). Check your usage of your/you're and to/too.
Overall, not a bad story, but the beginning could be improved. Keep writing!
Hey Vybe!
~ If you italicize thoughts, they'll be instantly recognized as thoughts, removing the need for quotation marks and the tag 'She thought to herself' (opposed to thinking to someone else? Just saying...).Shady here with a review for you this fine evening.
Aside from the formatting issues (I've had this problem myself), your technical stuff is mostly okay. I spotted quite a few grammatical/spelling/punctuational errors, but they're not very bad, so I'll not complain about that.
~ Wait a minute. He's covered in scars (according to your description). How does he have pre-existing scars, if even glass doesn't cut him?
~ Bad Vybe. Bad. You never describe something like this-- you *are* the writer. You can't leave it like this. As the writer of a tale, you're responsible to describe them to us-- don't shrug that responsibility off.
~ Well she must be awfully strong if she managed to shatter every bone in her hand with one swing. -_- I've hit solid steel as hard as I could with my fist (by accident-- was in a fist fight, and the person moved.
~~~
Alright. My main problems:
1) You don't take enough time to introduce your MC. You flit from her crying, to a sloppy flashback, to a fight, to her (possibly) dying. I'm all for action-- but you need to do it properly. As of now, I don't really care about Brittany, so it won't bother me if she dies-- your job is to make me care about her. To make me want her to live.
2) Your demon isn't very malicious. He doesn't sound evil enough. And he might toy with her, but not like he did-- it'd be more arrogant, more demeaning.
Anyhoo~
It's got potential. I'm willing to read on, when you get more up.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hello! I'm going to review your work and give some pointers!!!
Okay, when I review, I read paragraph by paragraph, and each time I come to something wrong I come down here and type. Okay?
Here it goes:
The first mistake I see is this sentence. It is a very small mistake, and it happens a lot.
Just recently the town, including Brittany has been in a state of panic.
This should be:
Just recently the town, including Brittany, has been in a state of panic.
Just forgot a simple comma!
I'm sorry to be such a copier, but this paragraph should be smoother:
Jack and Brittany had been best friends since they were kids.They met when Brittany was infourth grade in elementary school. Some of their fellow classmates were bullying her.She remembered thatday well. They were pushing her down after recess, they wouldn't let her get to her next class. They kept saying she was stupid and weak. The one biggest bully clenched her hand into a fistand pulled her hand back, as if charging up for a punch. She backed up into the corner and closed her eyespreparing herself for theblow. But nothing happened. She openedone eye to seeJack standing there. He had caught the girl's fist easily and stoppedit in mid swing. She rememberedhis exact words. "Don't pick on her anymore. She is my best friend, if you mess with her you'll have to deal with me."
Maybe you should describe what she was feeling when he said that last line. The line kinda just hangs there, making it awkward.
Okay, so in this sentence you had a thought that Brittany was thinking.
Brittany stayed silent. "Is this the killer?" She thought to herself.
It should not be in quotation marks. It should just be:
Is this the killer?
But in italics.
Okay. I finished reading.
Um...this whole story is very predictable. And the last part was...confusing. but pretty good!
Xoxo,
Kam
I put spaces in all those places! I looked over it before I posted it! I don't know why some words are run together like that! It even showed the spaces when i previewed it! >:( Now I am mad....
Haha it's okay! That's happened to me before too....hmmmmm