Death is like a gurgling black lagoon:
Bursting bubbles and intoxicating fumes.
It advertises and an end to those who seek no further pain
And to some an unfathomable demise stamped into their brains.
For some it's a challenge to see who can elude it the longest,
But those are the ones riding on a stupor of ignorance.
There are caution signs lining the paths that lead to this pool
That's open to the public and always has room for more.
People are warned by everyone and everything
To put their instincts before their temptations.
This storage of sewage has already claimed others,
Having had them gripped and enticed until they were smothered.
There are already so many people piled at the bottom and floating on the surface,
Those who hadn't heeded the forewarnings that served a single purpose.
They had done it to them self, could have evaded it;
But instead popped the shinning opal bubbles and inhaled the toxicants.
Now they're floating face-down in a grave of sludge
As Death watches others kill themselves by having fun.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Okay by the looks of it your a good at what you do here,
Now i like the hole death thing, I'm into the hole dark stages
I like how you wrote this very well,
And i like how you always seem to have fun in it
Well done keep doing what your doing,
Thanks
DragonNextec!
...Where to start.. Okay, this was extremely well written. You used some amazing descriptive words and phrases. It really drew me in, and then I reached the end...
It also reeked of depression. This poem applies to those who feel as though they have no hope. I know that many people view death as either something that is horrific or beautiful, and in an odd sense, you did a very beautiful job of making it seem horrific.
I can't help but asking, is this something you came up with and decided to write, or is it what you personally believe about death.
I was going through a bout of time when I realized that people kill themselves by living a "fun" life. They go out and party, drink, have a ton of fun when all it takes is a slip-up and they wind up dead. After writing this I realized where my priorities lay and straightened up a bit.
Thank you for the wonderful review!
You write poetry too? God I love your writing. This is just a short comment. Keep writing!!
Thank you again!
Writing about death, at least codifying it in some way is not an easy job. Your comparison of it to a black lagoon, intoxicating fumes and bursting bubbles is justified and understood. Its allurement, the intoxicating pull is well-described in the poem.
However, the following two lines is my favourite.
For some it's a challenge to see who can elude it the longest,
But those are the ones riding on a stupor of ignorance.
These two lines says it all - evading or attempting to dodge it futile. May be, they could have been placed in the last...as some sort of conclusion; a kind of enlightenment.
Just my suggestions..you need not take it too seriously.
Keep writing.
That's a great suggestion! Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot (-:
Really, really deep. Good job on this. I love the odd metaphors, and I like the detail put into this. I'm not usually a fan of poems, but this is well written and enjoyable. The thing is, that this is a poem, and poems usually rhyme. Try to rhyme it a bit better next time. Strong meaning, and well written. Keep up the good work.
Poetry isn't my cup of tea and it was killing me to find words to rhyme and still hold the same meaning haha! Thank you for the awesome comment!
i would like to start by saying congrats on this poem. its hard to write something good about a theme such as death. i would also like to say thank the lord u didnt rhyme because i cant stand rhyming poetry. i would just like to give you 2 pointers. 1. you dont need to follow this but i personally think that useing the same word two lines in a row doesnt flow very well. you used 'Death is like a bubbling black lagoon: Bursting bubbles and intoxicating fumes.' i believe you should try and change one of the 'bubblings' to a different word or seperate the lines. 2. i believe in ending on a strong point or cliff hanger. this keeps people thinking about the peice long after they have finished and tend to make people talk to others about it therefore granting exposer. if you can end on a cliffhanger for a peice of writing that has no logical storyline to it then it will become 1000 times more effective. just a few points to keep in mind in your future writing.
p.s sorry about the horrible spelling
Thank you for pointing out using bubble twice! I totally hadn't caught that. Thank you so much!