Published March 19, 2010
Chapter one
“Oh, really?” I asked Vincent as I put my backpack on the living room floor, beside the couch. “Yes, I could take you down in…less than fifteen seconds.” He mused, the purple ring around his green eyes catching the eastern sun.
“Fifteen!” I scoffed, pulling my fingers through my wavy black hair and into a pony tail.
Above, I heard the familiar quick pace of my older brother coming down the stairs. Vincent cursed under his breath, so I knew he heard him too. Finn’s step on the bottom floorboard creaked as he rounded the corner.
“What are you harassing my little sis for Vincey?” Finn rumbled in the doorway, glaring at Vincent.
“Harassing her?” Vincent snarled, disgusted. “Please! I only came to see Marshall. He wants to speak to me.” He smiled smugly.
I clenched my fist. “Oh? And I wonder why, Vincent? Is it because you’re a total disgrace to this pack—“
“Kara?” Finn interrupted, looking like he was proud. “Don’t you have to be somewhere? Uh, school maybe?” His brown eyes were hard, yet teasing.
Ugh, what a drag. Finn always ruined—or stole—my fun.
“Yeah, damn.” I muttered, slinging my backpack on my shoulders. The weight settled comfortably, not heavy, as it would have been on a human.
“Ha ha. Uh-huh, yeah get on to school now. Don’t make me chase your tail all the way there.” Finn laughed as I walked out into the cool damp morning air.
“She’s grown quite pretty these days, eh Finn?” I heard Vincent say as I walked down the sidewalk, my feet barely brushing the pavement. I heard Finn’s growl and a thump before even my acute hearing couldn’t hear them anymore.
Shit, I hated this body. I longed to change, to pop my back and stretch my claws, to run, but couldn’t; normal life needed doing first.
School, school, school! Why is it soooo important? Well, I know why, but I hate pretending that I’m like them.
I growled under my breath and continued past my neighboring house, which was still a good quarter of a mile off from my own, and into the more crowded city limits where apartment buildings lounged casually. I took a deep breath and drank in the humid Texas air. Why we moved here, over a month ago now, I had absolutely no idea.
I walked slowly, not really enthusiastic about another boring school day, and entertained myself by listening in on peoples’ conversations as I walked by their homes. “No, I’m serious man!” a young guy yelled to someone in a condo two floors to my right.
“What?” another guy asked.
“That guy was five-hundred pounds! F-in wigglin’ like Jell-O, dude!”
They cracked up.
A tiny giggle escaped my lips as I imagined it.
There was a small rustle of branches above me in an oak tree. My breath caught and my nostrils flared. The musky scent of canine covered heavily with perfume filled my nose.
“What’s so funny, hon?” Zena’s voice whipped, as she dropped effortlessly from the tree to land beside me with barely a sound as her heels hit the concrete.
“Zena, why are you stalking me?” I demanded a little harsher than necessary. I was aggravated. I had let my guard down and not known another member of the pack was near. It made me look like a pup, or omega. Not good.
“School sucks, ass.” She responded, ignoring my question. She kept stride with me easily as we walked. Zena was tall—taller than me—with platinum blond curls that hung to her shoulders, and hazel eyes ringed with black eyeliner all the way around. She was wearing mostly black, a black v-neck shirt that was cut so low her boobs almost fell out, a skimpy black skirt laced with red, and short black heels.
I rolled my eyes at her and laughed a little, forced sound. “Duh,”
She made a face at me and flipped off a truck of senior humans that were driving by us, whistling. “I hate human men. So…arrogant.” She spit, turning to look at me again.
I actually laughed this time. “Oh? And our kind are not? Please. I think maybe we are more arrogant than them.”
“Really? Hmmm. Maybe.” Zena shrugged.
“No, think about it.” I insisted. “We are under the impression—don’t lie—that we are somehow better than they are. Correct? I bet so. I mean, we have this awesome beautiful power and they do not. So does that make us better? Or do we just think we are?”
Zena stared at me then grimaced. “Whoa, Kara! You just sounded exactly like Isaac.”
My steps faltered. I did sound like him. Ewwwww.
“Okay then,” I swallowed my worry. “Nevermind. Let’s hurry.”
We walked in silence until the school parking lot came into view, and Vincent was on my mind.
“Vincent challenged me this morning. Said he could take me down in…less than fifteen seconds.” I informed Zena, snorting.
She faked shock and rearranged her shirt a little higher. “Again? Surprise, surprise Kara. Like he doesn’t already do that five times a day. He’s annoying. But…mmmm, cute.”
I groaned, “I know! He knows we can’t decide who’s alpha till Isaac steps down.” Then it hit me. I shoved Zena so she almost fell on top of a red headed kid getting out of a car next to us. “Cute?! No! Ewww. Well…no.”
She grinned deviously. “Yes, now you know you can also challenge Isaac. So can he.”
We entered the front doors of the school and headed towards the restroom.
“Or Antony.” She added as an afterthought.
I lowered my voice. “But Vincent—or Antony—wouldn’t do that, Zene.”
She sighed, “But would you? I mean, if the feeling gets too intense. You know more than I do.” She shoved past me into the bathroom and fully inspected herself in the mirror.
So vain, I thought staring at her. She really was. She would have been considered my best friend, but we fought too much.
And I knew I was just trying to distract myself. I bit my lip and carefully thought over her words. Sheesh, did I know. I pretty much snapped anytime Isaac gave an order. The alpha instinct went too deep. And it didn’t help that I had to war with Vincent and Antony for power either.
Zena lathered on half a tube of lip gloss then sauntered over to me.
“After all hot stuff,” she winked and leaned down to my ear. “We are werewolves.”
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140,843 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey, Kerza! I'm KitxKat, or Kit, and Ill review your work. anything nitpicky is in purple, anything grammar is in blue.
Hey there Kerza,
The second part, the one I changed to bold should be put under a different tab because it's two different people talking here.I'm Tanya, here for a review!
Like "Oh, reallY? I asked . ..
And next line, "Yes, I could..." Get it?
A suggestion? Devide this into paragraphs, it will be easier to read. For example, your first part is a conversation, keep it together, but when you get to the second, the one I quoted, separate it from this conversation and the next with her brother.
Ok. First, I had to reread the whole 'he looked proud' because I didn't get what you meant. Was he a proud person or was he proud of her outburst? I assume it's the second one since afterwards his eyes on teasing. Which brings me to the second part. I would write that his face was hard but his eyes were twinkling. It would make more sense to me, you know?
Isn't the expression 'sucks ass?' if yes, no need for a comma or it sounds as if Zena is calling Kara an 'ass'
Oh wow! An alpha female? Nice touch..
Well, so far so good. I like this story and I hope my nitpicks are helpful. On to the next chapter !!
Tanya
I really liked how you introduced all the characters in the first paragraphs. It sets up the story nicely.
I also liked the beginning and end. Especially how you ended the chapter with a hook that sets up a main idea and encourages the reader to read more
I really liked it good job
I thought it was good! It definitely made me want to read more towards the end, and I love mystical things like werewolves J. the only thing that annoyed me was Zena, who seemed like the peppy, annoying friend. She’s a realistic, believable character, but my advice to you is not to let things focus on her too much, and try to put more focus on Vincent and Isaac, who sound a little more interesting to me. Good work, though! J
~black sheep~
Hey I like the story so far, especially with the vampire mania thing-even though I love them,but I also love werewolves-it was really original and realistic.You reeled me in from the first paragraph; I love your mc, she reminds me of a lot of friends.Maybe we could collaborate on a story sometime, if that's okay with you?I've had my fill and can't wait for more!
-Curious
I like this. It's nice to read about werewolves once in a while, they don't get talked about often, with all the Edward Cullen madness going around (no offence on Twilight fans intended). I agree with the reviewer before me, what I really enjoyed about your story is that your character's are really cool and realistic which is the most important thing. I'm interested to see where you take this, with the interesting character's that you have I'm looking forward to it.
Thanks for putting this up and good luck with the rest!
DM.
Hey Kerza! (I like that name)
Welcome to YWS!
I found this story quite interesting. I think it's your characters that I most enjoyed, they're quite intriguing. They seem natural and realistic--even if they are werewolves.
One thing I noticed about your writing that I think point out is your dialogue punctuation.
That should be a comma dear.
For example: "I am hungry," Sam said.
"Where's your fridge?" he asked. Note: I didn't capitalize "he" because it is part of the sentence. We don't end the sentence after the question mark in this case. In some cases we might.
So this is an example where a period, not a comma would be used:
"I didn't expect to see you here." Jenny jumped, then looked up and saw that it was Rachel who had spoken, hiding among the shadows.
The sentence in the quotation marks and the part where Jenny jumps are two separate sentences so a period would be used.
"I didn't expect to see you here," said Rachel. The "said Rachel" is part of the sentence so we wouldn't cut it off and use a period (or capitalize the "s" of "said") we would instead use a comma to join the two clauses.
I think you'll find this link very helpful. The article explains the punctuation issue very well. I highly recommend you reading it.
I hope I was helpful! Continue writing!
Cheerio!