How I got here, well, that’s an interesting story; at least to me. Anyone who finds it less than exceptional can avert their snooty little minds elsewhere. Although I don’t fully understand it myself, I am of a brilliant mind, and therefore I have put together an excellent compilation of precisely what is going on.
“Keep moving,” one of the smelly men behind me grunted.
I sniffed. “Honestly, is personal hygiene a foreign concept to you men?”
“Shut up!” a different man growled this, if a bit self-consciously. Good. The stench around here could rival a century old sewer.
“Are you sure this can’t be discussed further?” I ventured as I peered down the length of the plank. With my hands tied tightly behind my back and a group of grumbly men behind me with pointy objects directed at my back, I didn’t see much of another option besides negotiation.
“Sure,” one man snorted, sounding as if he had a decade of snot built up in his throat. How disgusting.
“No,” said a quieter voice. I recognized it as the guy who seemed to be the leader of this rat pack. Honestly, why anyone would want to rule this bunch was a mystery to me. Maybe he’d lost his sense of smell and it’d gone to his brain as it burned through his nose. “You’re sentenced to this death.”
“This all feels awfully strange when I don’t know your names,” I said, trying to stall. Who wouldn’t, standing on the brink of a watery death?
“This one,” Snot Man said, “She don’t give up, Boss.”
“Oh, that’s a clever title.” I nodded, even though they were looking at the back of my head. “Was captain too complicated for them to understand?”
“Captain?” the Boss asked, sounding both bemused and annoyed. They really were easy to stall.
“Yes,” I said patiently, tracing a whorl in the plank with my toes. “We are on a boat, matey.”
Silence.
“Walk!” he ordered, and there was a jab and a shove from some of the rat pack. I yelped and stumbled forward further down the shaky plank. A slight breeze sent the smell of salt across my face, leeching the air of the awful stink the men created.
I really didn’t want to die, especially not knowing why I was here. But here I was, stumbling along, shaking—
“Aaaaeee!” I screeched as I tripped down, down, with a splash and a gasp into the unwelcoming sea.
How I got here, well, that’s an interesting story.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
So this is pretty cool
I love how it has pirates; you don't get many pirate stories. The prologue was nice and short and grabs our attention. You've got all the basic elements down, so all that's left is a bit of fine-tuning!
I agree with the review above me in that this can use more description. The first paragraph was good, but after that it's a little too bland for a pirate-fantasy book.
You can describe what a few of the pirates look like (their clothes, unkempt hair, filth) or the ship (was it a small ship, or a grand sort of thing with billowing white sails). You can describe what the character's feeling (is she secretly scared to death? Is her stomach rumbling with hunger? Maybe they had tied her hands together and she can feel the rope biting into her skin). Heck, you can even describe the weather (a cold, windy day, the waves high. Or maybe it was sunny and pleasant. We don't know xD)
The second thing you could work on is the actual character of your pirates. For me, the dumber than a rock attitudes just didn't work for me. It was a bit stereotypical and uninteresting. Keep in mind that you can still have dumber-than-rock pirates, but make them interesting. Scary, even. The captain might not be the sharpest tool in the box, but he can still be violent. When your main character backtalks, I can almost imagine him stepping forward and slapping her across the face for her attitude. They way you have them now, they just seem so nonthreatening. Your main character just seems so 'above' all of them. If you know what I mean.
Cool stuff! Hope this helped, let me know when you've got more out
Hello there! This piece makes a very good prologue, albeit a little short and furthermore a little bear in terms of description, but you certainly know where you're heading with both your character and your plot.
. I really do think you have the makings of a good story, with a bit of work, of course. I hope to see more of your stuff!
Although I didn't spot any grammatical errors, you missed some capital opportunities to use semi-colons, which is considered to be complex punctuation and, as some people seem to believe, hard to use. Firstly I can tell you this is completely wrong; they are very easy to use when you've sussed them. And secondly, they do impress non-writers, so it's all good. Here are a few of the examples where you could have used a semi-colon:
"I ventured as I peered down the length of the plank; with my hands tied tightly behind my back and a group of grumbly men behind me with pointy objects directed at my back, I didn’t see much of another option besides negotiation."
"...one man snorted, sounding as if he had a decade of snot built up in his throat; how disgusting."
"Honestly, why anyone would want to rule this bunch was a mystery to me; maybe he’d lost his sense of smell and it’d gone to his brain as it burned through his nose."
I noticed you did use a semi-colon once, but I still believe that there were more options available. Essentially, semi-colons are used to connect to clauses together, which you had the chance to do. Just learn from this, and then use this knowledge in the future!
For description, I think you could have done much better. I couldn't picture the ship in my head, I could imagine the smell, that's for sure, but I couldn't see it, feel it, hear it, all metaphorically speaking of course. What I'm trying to say is, as a personal guide, make sure you include every sense when describing a location or scenario; it gives the reader an easier time imagining just what their hero/villain/random person is experiencing.
Criticisms finished, now what I liked. As I said at the start of this review, I really think you know where your plot and character is going for the story. However, I would suggest reading up more on the time period you are writing in; for one, cheesy stereotypes are the bane of a story (unless of course it's comedy), also, nobody likes to see a 21st century-style character in the Victorian era, it just doesn't fit right. I also liked the way you both started and ended the prologue in the same manner, that was interesting.
Sorry if this seems over-critical, but I am like this in all my reviews, so it's nothing personal
DNX out.