This is the first time I've ever had anyone read part of a story I made. It might not be interesting right now, but I promise it'll be better and you can also give me some ideas.
Being surrounded makes me feel uncomfortable, but everyone has that feeling sometime, right? Although; I am suffering from claustrophobia, however, when I am in a crowded area I also feel safe from having all these commoners near me. Now you may be wandering why I said commoners. Some of you might have guessed it by now, but I am Princess Nevaeh. Also, you may now be thinking, 'Why would a royal be in a public area.'
To put it in a way for you to understand it would be, I don't want to be someone that every single one of this people are counting on. It would hurt me more than it would hurt them if I messed up. So, that is the reason why I am trying to blend in with the commoners. When I go into town I disguise myself as a boy, so I wouldn't be found out and taken back to the kingdom.
By now my twin brother, Miles, is at the age of to be allowed to go to the Noble Charles Kingdom, so he is to be taught to dance the proper way, along with the other princes and princesses. There was only a few of the other royals I liked, like; Ayden, Elliot, and Alaina. Alaina was my best friend, so I'm sure she took this whole situation with me disappearing pretty hard.
I don't mean to hurt people, but I also don't want to get myself hurt along the way. Some people might get hurt and so will I, but that's how life is, everyone once in awhile gets hurt. Alaina is a strong young lady, so I am sure that she can handle me not being by her side. She might not feel it, but I know that somewhere deep in her heart she knows I'm still here, because I can still feel her presence deep in my own.
~Heaven~
When I finished writting the letter I tore it out from the notebook I was holding, and set it down on the bench I had been sitting. Walking further and further away from the letter I wrote, to show the people that their princess is still alive, but that she could be standing next to them and they wouldn't even notice.
Since I forgot the ages here you go:
Nevaeh and Miles- 18
Alaina- 17
Ayden- 17
Elliot- 20
This looks like the start of what can potentially be a very interesting story! A few notes, however. Try being a bit more descriptive. It'll add to the fantasy quality and it'll liven up the story. Also, watch out for grammar. I noticed a good amount of run-ons and comma splices, but that's just a technical issue. Overall, I think you're on to something!
I really appreciate you noticing my grammar mishaps, I always have trouble with my grammar. Thanks, and also I'll try bein more descriptive next time.
This is ok. I really like action fantasy better. I can see its a work in progress. There are,
as Iribbon says, lots of other stories of a similar subject. But I think you have the
potential as a writer. Maybe you should try something more modern, like a high school
drama type of thing. That might be more suited to your writing style.
Thanks for the advice, and maybe like try to do a Highschool theme story.
I feel as if the topic has been overused but then again I already have a weird dislike and like for this genre but I know for certain that my sister would adore it! It's good and I envy the way you can directly present your character to your reader. It is a form of character representation that I cannot do at all! (I prefer indirect) I was also confused because the way it was written made it sound like she was only going out for the day and then you go on to say she has disappeared and her friend will have to do without her. A little clarity there would clear that issue up. I like that you showed immediately that she doesn't
Want to let her or her people down; it shows that she is vulnerable and appeals more to your audience. No one likes a perfect princess snob!