Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
“Molly will you go out to dinner with me?” Asked Joe.
“Maybe, I will ask my mom and dad when I get home" Replied Molly.
Molly got home and asked her mom and dad if she could go out with joe, they were not happy at all when she asked knowing that her parents knew what Joe did last year to the girl he took to dinner. Last year Joe took this girl out to dinner and he raped her and killed her nobody knew that he did it, people just assumed that he did, because she was last seen with him.
“Mom please I really like this guy” said Molly.
“No” yelled Molly’s mom.
It was late afternoon and Molly had to give Joe an answer, so Molly texted him and told him see you at 8:00 pm tonight. Joe replied great I can’t wait. It was 7:30 and my mom had asked “why are you still here”?
Molly’s mom thought that Molly would be over at Nicholes. Nichole is Molly’s best friend. Nichole had long brown hair with big brown eyes and she would always wear the necklace that Molly gave her, it said best friends. Molly had one just like it. Nicole would always wear jeans with her combat boots, and would always wear a long sleeve, because she cut herself every night.
“Mom that’s a good idea, ill go pack my stuff right now” said Molly.
“Ok” replied Molly’s mom
Molly had left with Joe, not with Nicole Molly’s parents thought it was Nichole. Joe was waiting in his car, Molly told him to so her parents would know it was him. Molly and Joe headed to the diner. Molly didn’t want to get anything sloppy so she got a salad. Joe on the other hand got a burger, it was juicy and it had lettuce, swiss cheese, bacon, and tomatoes. Joe didn’t care what Molly thought of him, so he got whatever he wanted. After dinner Molly and Joe went to this party at Maddie’s house, Maddie is a mean person but she’s really pretty. Joe had put some medicine in Molly’s drink that makes you drowsy. He then brings Molly into the woods and rapes her. When Molly’s drowsiness wore off she realized that she was in a basement. Joe came downstairs with a whip, Molly was scared to death, she thought she was going to die.
“Why are you doing this to me” asked Molly.
“Don’t talk, or I’ll hit you with my chair” replied Joe.
Molly didn’t say a word after what Joe said, she put her tied up hands in her back pocket to try to find her phone. Molly grabbed it out of her pocket and tried to dial 911, but Joe took the battery out, she was about to cry, Joe didn’t like to see other people cry so he put a blindfold over Molly’s eyes. She could feel Joe’s hot breath on her nose. Molly bit him and ran up stairs to get a knife, she came downstairs and he was gone. Joe came out of nowhere and hit her in the head, Molly was knocked out. When she woke up. Joe was waiting, sitting in a metal chair, Molly was so scared she didn’t want to die. Joe stood up and grabbed his whip, Joe was going to whip her. He didn’t though. Molly felt so relieved.
The Next Day.
“Knock Knock”, on Molly’s parents door. It was Nichole. Molly’s mom didn’t know why Nicole was there. Nicole was wondering if Molly could hang out. Molly’s mom was asking “why are you here and I thought that Molly was at your house”.
“No i’ve been calling her but she won’t answer” said Nicole.
Molly’s mom told Molly’s dad to call the police. Molly’s parents, Nicole and her family left their house and started to hang posters of Molly, and called the police. The police found Joe’s house, Joe knew that he had to either kill Molly or hide her, she screamed, the police came in and sprinted downstairs. Nobody was their, Nichole had found a huge portrait that was actually a secret door to a tunnel. The tunnel was long. Molly was found lying there blood was everywhere.
Before Molly was killed by Joe she thought, “I can’t believe this is happening, I don’t want to die I’m too young. As Joe came at me with the silver sharp knife, with blood dripping from it, I was the last girl he would kill. I felt cold then it was all black”.
R.I.P
Molly May
2/17/1997- 12/16/2014
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After your dialogue there should be some form of punctuation, such as a comma, exclamation point, or question mark depending on what the character is saying. For example, instead of writing it as '“No” yelled Molly’s mom.' You should write it as '“No!” yelled Molly’s mom.'
In this part, "they were not happy at all when she asked knowing that her parents knew what Joe did last year to the girl he took to dinner. " It feels awkwardly written and I had to read it twice to understand, so it need to be reworded for better reading ease. Maybe instead you could have written, "Knowing what Joe had done last year when he brought a girl to dinner, her parents were not happy."
Here "Molly’s mom thought that Molly would be over at Nicholes." Nichole should have an apostrophe s (Nichole's) to show possessive form.
And this whole paragraph "Molly’s mom thought that Molly would be over at Nicholes. Nichole is Molly’s best friend. Nichole had long brown hair with big brown eyes and she would always wear the necklace that Molly gave her, it said best friends. Molly had one just like it. Nicole would always wear jeans with her combat boots, and would always wear a long sleeve, because she cut herself every night" None of it really has any relevance to the story so it's unnecessary information you could take out.
There were a lot of other grammar mistakes and sentences that need editing for better reading ease, but I'm not going to go through all of them, you need to look through it and fix them up.
Throughout the whole story you told the reader what happened rather than showing what happened. And there wasn't much variety in sentence type so it quickly got repetitive There was no description so it made the story feel really dull and more like I was reading a crime report or something rather than a fiction horror story.
An example of how you could show rather than tell could be instead of saying, "Nichole had found a huge portrait that was actually a secret door to a tunnel. The tunnel was long. Molly was found lying there blood was everywhere." you could say....
"Nichole looked around downstairs, then spotted a painting that looked a bit odd. She approached it and pulled on it, wondering if maybe something could be hidden behind it. To her shock, it was a secret passage. She slowly entered, cautiously making her way to the small room at the end. What she saw, nearly made her sick.
Molly was prone on the ground, lying in a puddle of her own blood. The red liquid stained her clothes and was splattered on her pale face, as well as most of the little room."
The idea could be good, but it definitely needs a lot of work. It needs a lot more description and better pacing to add suspense that would make Molly's death seem worse and have a more emotional impact. The dialogue felt dull like two computers or robots were speaking, you need to give some personality to your characters. And definitely you need to work on your grammar.
I hope this was helpful and not too mean...
Hello, KendraCardzoa!
I felt that this was a pretty good story overall, and it had a interesting premise that enjoyed quite a bit. However, I did, unfortunatly, discover a few issues:
First off:
Last year Joe took this girl out to dinner and he raped her and killed her nobody knew that he did it, people just assumed that he did, because she was last seen with him.
This feels a little pushed, and somewhat like it really shouldn't be where it is. It's told at the begiing of the story, and it acts as if it's the main draw of the whole plot. If that's what you were going for, then you did a great job! Otherwise, try to make this fact a little more subtle, or save this statement for later on in the story. Maybe make it to where Molly is the only person oblivious to this fact, and therefore the only person that doesn't believe/doesn't know it.
Second off:
“Mom please I really like this guy” said Molly.
Sadly, this appeared to happen with most of the dialouge throughout the story. There's no punctuation at the end of the dialouge! Now, I understand that there's a period at the end of the sentence, but there still needs to be puctuation of some form at the end of the dialouge. It's a bigger deal than it seems, and since it's disobeying a basic grammer law, it can turn readers away very quickly. Luckily, it's a pretty easy fix.
Well, that basically sums up the issues I found. Like I said, this is overall a good story. I think that you should take this idea and maybe rewrite and fix some of the issues I covered, then it'll drastically improve the quality of the story. Anyways, continue to write, and I'm sure that you'll be a pro in no time!
I love reading horror stories, so your story intrigued me. I liked the twist you gave to a normal, romantic date. It’s an original concept, which I enjoyed reading.
However, there are a couple of things I’d like to point out.
1. First and foremost, I noticed many mechanical (grammar, spellings, and punctuation) errors. You also have a lot of run on sentences and they make it difficult for us to read your story. Try to break them down.
For example:
It should be:
“Molly got home and asked her [parents] if she could go on a date with Joe [.] They [refused], bringing up last year’s incident. Joe had taken a girl out for dinner and, after that, she was never seen.”
The above sentence, once edited, is clearer to read and adds to the mystery.
2. You have the tendency to tell us your story when you should be aiming to show it to us.
For example:
You could develop on it by saying:
“Soon as she consumed the drink, Molly regretted accepting it from Joe. Her sight blurred and she stumbled, unable to maintain her balance. Molly tangled her fingers in her hair. Blinking rapidly, she shook her head.”
Did you see how the description above is so much better? It shows the readers that something’s wrong with Molly, without you saying it. It also adds to the mood and tone of your story. So, just try doing that throughout.
Overall, good effort! I can see potential in this. I liked your idea, but you need to work on your storytelling.
Well done, and keep writing!