Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: I'll start by saying as far as I know I didn't read chapter one of this so sorry if I miss something because of that. On first glance the pacing appears wonky, the description a touch rushed but the emotions, dialogue and reactions seem realistic enough to work out well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I woke up the next morning with the sunlight of a new day streaming into my face through the light purple curtains. I rolled over and glanced at the white alarm clock. The red neon numbers read 9:24 AM. I groaned and rolled back over and threw a pillow over my face. Then it hit me like a tun of bricks. My mother was still dead. Still never coming back. I sat up and looked at the window. I got up and walked over to it, I then opened up the two french glass doors and walked out into the sunny May day. I leaned against the brass railing as I closed my eyes allowing the early May breeze blow over me. As I opened my eyes I looked down at the busy street below me.
This feels a little umm...rushed to me. The description looks like its just being rushed through without really showing us much. Not the greatest opening I would say unfortunately.
People hurrying to get to work. Little kids screaming to their parents. When you sit back and just listen to the chaos, it is almost peaceful. That is kinda an oxymoron. Chaos being peaceful. My mom would always come up with stuff like that.
This little bit is definitely better. It tells us much more about what's going on and is easier to imagine properly.
"I can believe that honey. When my father died I felt the same way. But I am sorry to say this honey, but it doesn't get much easier". I laughed sarcastically and looked down at my hands.
"Yeah, well who ever said time heals everything, I'd like to punch them". She laughed.
Sad truth that one...well that seems pretty realistic at least.
We descended down the stairs were we at our breakfast. Amazing french toast, with delicious fresh orange and apple juice. I then went back up stairs to get changed, when I returned wearing a pair of dark jean shorts and a light blue tank-top I told her I felt like taking a walk around the park. "Okay dear" she said with a smile, "But don't be to long" she added hastily.
Again this is a little rushed. I would like to see a bit more description and slower pacing in these bits. Its just too much things happening in a single paragraph.
"Hey Amelia" he said smiling down at me. "Mr. Dyer told us what happened to your mom. I'm really sorry". He hugged me.
"Thanks" I said against his shoulder. God, I loved being in his arms.
Well that was an interesting line to throw in there.
"Isn't that the Israel dude who took her hostage in the autopsy and kidnapped her?" I closed my eyes and looked down at my baby phat sneakers and nodded.
"Yeah" I sighed, "yeah it is. They could never catch him, and now she is dead. So they sure as hell better catch him this time".
Oh dear, now I wish I somehow ran into part one of this. That sounds like it is quite a story.
"Amelia?" he started. I looked at him with pink puffy eyes, waiting for him to finish, "I think you should go into the school tomorrow, and talk to Mrs. Reyes, she could help you with this, and I think you need someone to help you through this. Even though you have all of us to support you and all. But we are not professionals. So I think you should talk to her". He said all that in one breath, I think because he was afraid I'd hit him if he stopped in between. I was I few seconds before I replied. I sighed and looked down at my hands.
Sounds like good advice there.
As I was walking home, I noticed myself thinking about stuff more positively. This was going to make me stronger. You know what they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Now all I needed to do was start making myself actual believing that.
And that's a really strong line to end on right there. Definitely makes me want to read on.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think its a pretty decent piece that you've got here. It needs a little ironing out here and there but overall it does work out well enough that I definitely want to read the first chapter of this and would read more chapters of this.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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