Sera: I felt a kick and gently rubbed my growing stomach. I was five months along. Her name was going to be Marci.
I stood in my art gallery and waited for Thom to come pick me up. I heard the familiar ringing of the bell on the front door. I turned around and jumped. It wasn’t Thom; it was a man I didn’t know.
“Are you interested in some art?” I asked.
“You could say that,” he said and smirked. He suddenly reached out and put his strong hands around my throat.
I clawed at his hands in an attempt to get them off of me. They stayed firmly in place. I gasped desperately for air. He pushed me backwards into the wall, then slowly slid me to the ground.
My hands dropped to the ground. Black spots dotted my vision. As I slipped into unconsciousness, I heard the bell ring again, and saw Thom’s familiar messy brown hair.
Thom: The man turned around when I entered. He let go of Sera and she slumped onto her side. He charged toward me and knocked me to the ground. I grabbed his head and violently jerked it to the side. I heard a crack and he fell off of me, his head twisted at a bizarre angle.
I hurried over to Sera. She was breathing so slowly and shallowly it was hard to tell she was breathing at all. Her heartbeat was erratic. I frantically pulled out my cell phone and called 9-1-1.
I touched Sera’s cheek. It was cold.
“Please be okay, Sera,” I whispered. “Please.”
Sera: I woke up to harsh, artificial light. I was in the hospital. I slowly got into an upright position. The bed creaked, and Thom looked over from his chair across the room. His face was wet with tears.
I knew immediately what had happened. We’d lost the baby. Thom walked over to me and held my hand.
“I’m sorry, Sera,” he whispered. “It was lack of oxygen to her brain. I almost lost you, too.” We cried together for a while.
“When do I get out of here?” I asked.
“In a couple of hours. The doctor wants to keep you here for observation but you’ll be fine.” He smiled weakly at me. I spun my wedding ring around my finger; it was a nervous habit.
“I love you, Sera,” he whispered. “I could never lose you.”
“I love you, too,” I said and I gently kissed him.
Thom: We went home later that night. Sera walked to what would have been Marci’s room and started crying. I came up behind her and brushed her arm. She turned around.
She dug her face into the middle of my chest, and cried long and hard. I ran my fingers through her long, black hair.
“I should probably go back to work tomorrow,” she murmured.
“No. Not yet. I don’t want you there alone,” I said.
“Fine. I’ll get a few more employees to work later in the day,” she said. She looked up at me and I kissed her.
Sera: I was looking through job applications when Thom walked in.
“I have some interesting news about your attempted murderer,” he said as he sat down next to me.
“What?” I asked, looking into his big brown eyes.
“You’re not the first person he’s gone after. You’re the fourth. He succeeded in killing the others.” He brushed my cheek before continuing. “One guy, two girls. One of the girls was pregnant.”
“I’m not following. Why us?” I asked.
He lightly touched the scar on my back. “You were all shot by Nathern’s men. The bullet put some sort of tracker in your bloodstream. There are still Nathern’s followers out there. They’re going after the runaways.”
“What about you?” I asked nervously.
“I’ll be fine,” he said. He kissed me, and smiled. I smiled back.
Thom: My work sent me to a building to pick up some supplies. Sera came with me. I hadn’t been to the building before. We walked through the front door, and into a very industrial building.
I was supposed to go to an office on the third floor. I held Sera’s hand as we walked up a flight of concrete steps. When we got to the third floor we were confused. There weren’t any offices around.
A guy in his early twenties walked toward us. He was wearing a gray uniform. The nametag on the left side of his shirt read KLATER.
He reached into his pocket. As he walked past me, I felt an incredible stinging pain in my chest. I cried out and fell to my knees.
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Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was an intriguing story. I liked the murder-mystery element you created and I especially enjoyed the cliffhanger at the end. The story was definitely intriguing and right now I cannot decide whether the central point of the story is based around this couple or the this murderer who is after them. At first, I thought we were going to follow the couple and their grief at losing their unborn child. But then you introduced a pattern in the killings, and it made me feel that the story is more complicated than it first appeared.
I liked the concept behind your story, but unfortunately I felt it was too overshadowed by certain other points that did not work well for your story. Firstly, the pace was too quick. There is really no room for interpretation for the readers as we basically follow the events in the story as they happen one after another. We do not have the chance to settle in a singular scene before the plot eventually makes its way to speed things up. We don't get to familiarize with the character or form a connection with her before we are already swept up by the plot of the story. As a result, the story does not really invoke the strong emotions that we should have felt, especially when the character went through such a tragic loss. It does not carry across the feelings, mostly because we don't have a connection strong enough with the characters to actually empathize with them and also because, we are told how we should be feeling about the developments in the story. You must have heard of the expression, "show...don't tell" and that is exactly what you need to do in this story. For example:
Here, you have a really great opportunity to delve into the grief and loss of the characters, and instead you try to capture it in a single sentence that really does not create an emotional impact on the readers. We get that Sera is sad and she is crying, but what about how she feels? Is she grieving for her child? Is she imagining what Marci would have looked like? Is she wondering what she is going to with the room she had made for their child? What exactly is she feeling?
You fail to capture the depth of these emotions or any emotions at all and it results in you narration feeling a bit stiff and bland. One thing happens after the other and we basically keep following the character through an emotionless narration.
Another thing that did not sit well with me was the constant switch in perspectives. I was a little confused by your decision to include so many switches in perspective in the very first chapter. It denies us the chance to familiarize ourselves with any one of the characters because we do not stay with them for long enough to actually form a concrete opinion. As a result, we fail to bond with any of the characters and it ends up being a complete miss. Besides, the transitions after the switch happen too quickly so that we cannot even distinguish between the two voices narrating the story. Here, I would suggest using the third person POV to narrate the story so that you can cover both the character's perspectives. Or if you want to stick to the first person POV, then change the perspective in a new part. Otherwise, it becomes really difficult to follow.
I have never heard the expression 'attempted murderer'. Sure there are 'attempted murders' but never murderers. Maybe switch that with a simple 'attacker'? It carries the same meaning and is a general term of expression as well.
Overall, this was a good story. It really needs to slow down a little and give the readers a chance to catch up with all its many plot developments.
Keep writing and have a great day!
people always say i write too fast. except my friend Emily. but shes kinda off-kilter like me.
Hey girl,
Good start, I haven't read part II yet, but I'm hooked. There are a couple of places it seems a little off-balance, and I think you're writing too quickly--slow down and get into a few more details, but overall 8.5 of 10
Blue