Nothing Hurts

Hello!
This was a really, really nice poem!
My only worry was that the line -

I don't feel the pain as he tells me that he likes her more because her legs aren't super-glued together. -

could have been said differently, or cut into shorter lines as it's length is a bit out of place.

"I cry,

anger boils instead of shower water.

sadness freezes my blood even more than the snow ever could.

Fear makes my bones metal, unable to move."

I loved these lines. They had a very enthralling and sad, frustrating effect.

''I sleep in rose bushes,

thorns pounding into my sides.''

I liked the use of the word 'pounding' here.
I liked the rhythm and meaning portrayed through this poem...keep writing!

Hellooo.

I loved this poem. Loved the vibe running through it. The way you drafted the analogies towards the end was amazing.
The flow is good, but I'd suggest you to tinker with the really long sentence in the middle.

" I don't feel the pain as he tells me that he likes her more because her legs aren't super-glued together."

Maybe split it into smaller ones. Would have a greater impact, and help with the flow.

The ending was very clever. How it all got inverted at the end. A mirrored effect of sorts Loved it.

Rating : 9/10

Hassan

Hi Kelpies!

I must say I find this poem very interesting. I like the analogies used to describe how your person doesn't hurt. It also makes me understand the character near the end when they say he loves her more and how her emotions bleed into the same analogies you used in the beginning. I think the poem flowed very well and the only thing I find wrong over all is the "atomitom" which I believe Ancient has already pointed out. I like your descriptions because they fit well and show a good picture for this narrative. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Soulkana

Hello, darling! I haven't read the other comments, so I risk repeating what they've said.

First of all, I'd like to gently correct your spelling of "automaton" (not "atomitom"). It's a difficult word even to sound out and spell, and I applaud your effort! (We seriously need a website where we can say a word and it'll find the correct spellings or something.)

I do rather enjoy this piece, and I think most of my issues with it come from your use of punctuation. I like your imagery, and I like that you equate the emotional issues with the images used earlier in the piece.

However. You do seem to have a bit of an attachment to the comma, and it's undermining some of your points. For example, your first line would be extremely more impactful if it ended with a period: "Nothing hurts." As it is, I think you might benefit from going through, taking out all the commas, and only adding as much as you need. Some of your commas should be semicolons, too - see: how to use a semicolon, and don't be afraid of them! - and some of them would probably be more effective as periods, such as the case with the first line.

Some of your images also seem to be needlessly repetitive, such as your line, "Even my mind is numb." It takes away from the strength of the other images, because you're sitting down to explain the words to the reader. The reader can understand you; your piece would be much stronger if you eliminated that line and edited some of the others so they don't explain so much to the reader as suggest imagery.

Some of the lines at the end seem a little half-done, though. You rely on your previous images, and you don't expand on the anger making the speaker's blood boil and steam in frustration, the sadness weighing them down like lead in their veins, the fear that makes them stand ramrod-straight and arrow-thin - you just call back to your original images, and those can only be strong so many times.

I also see the point of the very long line in the middle, but I think it could be broken into two or even three to keep the visual flow even, because while it may look impressive at first, it just gets clunky. Readers of poetry pause for a little breath at the end of every line, most of the time, and that one has them going at a thousand miles an hour trying to get to the end so they can breathe.

Overall, I think this has a lot of really good potential that could be captured through some minor editing with punctuation and fresh imagery. Keep writing!

I really really like this poem! Honestly, it was short yet it expressed the feeling of being utterly hopeless during a heartbreak. I liked how at the end of the poem, you revisited the images you painted at the start of this piece. One quick thing, for the description about the showers and the snow drifts you went on about it after introducing it (e.g. I take showers in boiling water,
bubbling as it drips down my back.) and then again further developing it at the end. I think because of that, the sentence "I don't use oven mitts" seemed out of place. I don't know if you were trying to extend another idea from it and didn't quite get deeper into it or if it does fit in somehow and I'm just completely blind :p Anyways, this poem was amazing and I enjoyed reading this piece. Thankyou for sharing it.

Wow. That was really expressive. I liked it a lot!

Hi there,

I thought this was a good poem. I wanted to make some good things I saw in this poem, and some things that could be improved. Let's get on with the review shall we?

Positives
-I noticed that you compared a lot of things and it helped me better understand

-There was a lot of great description, and that helped me better enjoy the story

-The words flowed, and all came down to one solution of the idea of the poem

Negatives
-The poem could be longer, instead of as short as it was

-There could of been more reasoning to the reason they were crying

Besides that I loved the poem, and I suggest that you keep writing because I believe that you are really good at writing, among many others.

~cassaundra~