Young Writers Society

Hey there Keepwriting. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. You story is extremely sweet, nice, kind, and gentle throughout. It was this that made me think a plot twist was coming at the end. But, it didn't happen, surprising me, and leading me to write this line of my review.

2. The length of your story would normally be just about right, but I think you tried to shove too many events into too few words. First, we are in the garden, then to the kitchen, then they are talking about pregnancy, and then the story is over. Everything happened too fast for me and made me dislike this part of the piece.

3. I also have a bone to pick with the plot and description. You started out with strong description and similes of her characteristics, but after the first paragraph it died off. After that, the story was bland. I see how in the first paragraph you were trying to explain the character in a way, that we the readers, could get to know her. We now know what she looks like, but you leave some questions. What about the parents? Why didn't you tell us anything besides their names? We would like to know them better than just John and Jane Doe descriptions. I would guess one or more has blond hair like the little girl. The first thing I thought about blue eyes, was recessive trait and no details from the parents. While trying to build the picture of the parents in my mind I ended up with one blond, brown-eyed parent and one brunette, brown-eyed parent. This was a start to me but there was absolutely nothing else. Not the red, crimson color of the mother's lipstick or the scruffle of the father's unshaven face. I was left with two very simple characters due to your lack of description. You had little action which made it even darker and harder to get through. There a few specific things that need to be discussed.

4. Grace's Pregnancy: Why would she announce on one of the most important days of her daughter's life, her birthday? This stuck with me the entire story because she was taking some of the shine away from the child they already had. Was it because the whole family was there anyway, so they could announce it to the family? I really do not think this little event was even necessary to the whole plot, unless this was one of many chapters. If it is one of many chapters, you have to decide how much about the baby you'll include so that it has an impact on the later part of the story. I also wanted to hear the parents techniques of telling a five-year old her mother was pregnant. I am sure it would have added to the humor and cuteness of the story. It may not have been necessary to include it, but the story is definitely lacking something in between the pregnancy talk and the arrival of guests.

5. What was the significance of the china doll? Why was that the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world? You were very specific by stating she wanted a doll, but not any old doll, a china doll. Without something to support it, her absolute need for this object falls apart.

6. Sorry if my review was mostly criticism of the plot. I like to make that the base for my reviews. It was a pretty good story and I sort of liked it.
-lizzy

Hello, Keepwriting!

This is a cute story. Being rather sweet, you have managed to capture its youthful essence in words and atmosphere. From the garden setting with the young girl picking flowers to Emily's characteristically childish way of interpreting language and what she counts as important to her, you have done well to make sure that the reader is aware of Emily's age and approach to the world! Good job.

However, there are a few things that I would also encourage you to focus on, so as to improve the short story but also your writing endeavours in the future. I found that the story lacked depth in quite a few different ways, so I'll touch on that first.

There's a lot of telling going on, but not a whole lot of showing. In fact, the first paragraph is essentially listing Emily's physical attributes. I agree that it is important for the reader to be able to correctly visualize the main character in their mind, but it's probably not something you want to introduce in the first paragraph, unless the protagonist's physique is something unusually unique. In this case, Emily is your average five year old girl and, as one of your audience, I'm much more interested in who she is personally rather than physically. By no means I am trying to deter you from describing what Emily looks like (because that is nevertheless important), but consider instead by writing an introductory paragraph that hooks the reader in. Later, you can delve into how Emily looks like, but your first sentences are the opportunity to draw in your readers and convince them that your story is worth pursuing. If you start with a rather general description about some girl who is five, you risk losing the initial excitement that comes with starting a new story.

Furthermore, on the topic of description, don't be afraid to venture off the beaten path. In other words, be creative. Long, golden hair and ocean blue eyes? We've all heard that one before, I am sure. Perhaps find a different way to describe how her hair shines in the light or how irises ripple blue? You'll be sure to intrigue more readers that way. Also, you don't need to always rely on colour as an adjective. Remember that although a story is words, the true magic of creative writing is that you fake semblance of experiencing the five senses. Ask yourself the following questions when you're next writing: How does it feel? How does it smell (if at all)? How does it look? Does it make sounds? Does it taste like anything? Even if you can't smell it or hear it or taste it, imagine what it might smell like or taste like or sound like. For example, smell often interacts with taste so although I don't eat meat, I can imagine the taste, thanks to my sense of smell, would be heavy, smoky, and thick. Even things that you might not traditionally eat, hear, etc., can be described using atypical senses - this is where the metaphor and simile come into play! Don't be afraid to explore your descriptions in detail

Because you're writing in third person omniscient, you have the advantage of being able to share the thoughts and feelings of all of your characters. I would like to see more of that in this story, even coming from Emily. Actually, particularly from Emily since this is her story but also because I think the point of view of a five year old girl is something quite unique and interesting to write about. Either way, giving emotional depth to your story will definitely flesh it out. Readers will be able to relate much better. Right now, it feels like you have built the house but you've neglected to hire an interior decorator - everything is completely bare and white. Now is the time to make your house a little more cosy and a little more comfortable. Your story is like the house. You have the structure, but now you must elaborate on that structure. Liven up your characters, liven up their lives, make them seem like real, breathing people to your audience.

I would also like to remind you of the importance of grammar. I know that sometimes grammar can be a bit intimidating and confusing, but it's crucial to ensure the proper understanding of your story. The most common error that is found throughout your short story is missing commas. Sometimes your sentences just seem to go on without a breath. The easiest and most surefire way to catch the places where a commas is needed is to read your story out loud when you proofread. Wherever you pause, either a comma or period is needed. Moreover, be mindful of your verb tenses. This story is written in the past tense and sometimes you fell into the present tense which makes things a little awkward. I suggest that when you proofread next, look out for consistency verb tenses. Otherwise, there are some great resources in the Knowledge Base on YWS.

Plotwise, I didn't see much of one. It's obviously Emily's birthday and she's keen on getting a China doll, but so what? She gets it without much trouble and her present scene is just a couple of sentences. What is driving your story? What is its purpose? What is the significance of Emily and her birthday? This feels more like a fragment of thought than anything. Perhaps it is a flashback or a scene belonging to another story of yours? Nevertheless, if you want to excite the reader, you need to have some sort of plot because right now the story is very lacking in this department.

I have a few nitpicks. I haven't quoted all areas needing adjustment; just a few to get your revision juices going.

called out to Emily then realized she was standing right in front of her.

she said looked frustrated.

which made her look so adorable.

He kissed her and held her for a while till Emily came over and tugged on his shirt.

Everyone arrived Emily's:

She enjoyed being the center of attention and found being ignoring a type of torcher.