Before I Begin

I like the idea that your piece gives off. It hits home for me. You have no idea.(...or mayB u do...)

However, I do not like the structure of it. I don't do a lot of poetry so I shouldn't even be talking. But I once did a piece where it sounded a lot like poetry,actually I'm not sure what it actually was, maybe I'll post it.

All it was is a paragraph structures time thing. I didn't do any rhyming or defined beat, I just wrote descriptions like you would in a poem and turned them into sentences and paragraphs and then it was a whole piece!

Maybe you could turn this piece into something like that....you know add a little figuritive, metaphoric, and bizzare language.

Anyway it's only a suggestion...

Hi Keep A Secret! I'm June =)

One of the main things about this poem that stands out to me is the fact that you're relying on rhyme for your poem. Your main focus, I assume, is not to get the message out.

It seems like you have an idea here, dear, that could be built on and written out creatively, but now we have couplets that rhyme. I think this is decent, but in a way, I don't like it because in some lines such as "our love to sew" it's too clear that you're just trying to find a word to rhyme with, dear.

On a side note, I do like the line that Bow suggested to replace that. It suits the poem a bit more.

Other than that, the only other issue I have is that I am not a gigantic love-poem fan. It's nothing against this poem or anything, it's just that love poems have become common and the rhymes, themes, and everything else surrounding have become overused.

With all that ranting done, nice work! Keep writing. And welcome to YWS!

June

Before I begin,

I want you to know,



That I've been waiting here

our love to sew,..............and I'm ready to go



Before I begin,

I want you to see,



What your negligence

has done to me,



Before I begin,

I want you to hear,



The sound of

my evey fallen tear,



Before I begin,

I want you to feel,



How hard a relationship is,

when it's no longer real,



Before I begin,

I want you to know,



How I really feel,

will be impossible to show.

Hello and welcome to YWS! I'll be reviewing you poem today...
Basically, I agree with the things Selin said about 'before I begin...' not leading to a beginning. I just haveone very small critique: Think about rewording the first bit: 'Before I begin, I want you to know, that I've been waiting here, our love to sew' It's awkward. I know, I know, rhyme scheme, but it doesn't fit with the conversational style of the rest. Not a strong beginning. Try something like this:
Before I begin
I want you to know
That 've been waiting
For our love to grow.
But now here we are,
And I want you to see
What all your negligence
Has made of me.

It shouldn't be too hard to replace 'before I begin' in the other stanzas, either.
Best of luck editing!
PM me with any questions.
Toodles!
-Aussie

Hello KeepASecret! It's Selin here!

First of all I'd like to say, welcome to YWS!!:) I hope you'll enjoy here.
About your poem...
When I saw the name, "Before I begin"; it pulled me somehow. I found this name quite interesting and -magical.
This order of stanzas seems good, but just another option, you could make verses of them, so every verse would start with "Before I begin"s and continue with the explanations.
I liked your quiet outcry, or a better way of description; I meant, your quiet expression of your feelings. You seem you're broken, disappointed and a little pessimistic. The style you show us these is absolutely the strongest part of your poem.
But I want to ask one simple question here. before you begin and... You tell your story, before you begin, but what exactly is it? What is next? Maybe it is another poem?
So I 'll be waiting here the "next":) If you let me know, I would always like to read and review your lovely piece of work.
Bye for now,
Selin