Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
IMMIE'S P.O.V
I'm just your average school girl, good grades and good friends.
I'm not bothered with boys at the minute unlike 2 of my best friends Bethany and Hannah.
I'm 16 and live in flitwick, small town not many people will have heard of it. my parents are divorced, I live with my dad.
"Immie" Bethany said, making be look up from my work.
My full name is Imogen but I much prefer Immie
"What?" I replied
"Me and Hannah were planning on going out this weekend with Niall and Jack. do you want to come?" she said
Bethany and Hannah's 'out' involved finding a party and getting pissed out of our faces. I might be the teacher’s pet at school, but outside is a whole different matter.
"Yeah I'm up for that" I replied smiling. “What about Kie and Luke?" I asked
"We already know they will say yes" Hannah said.
I laughed "true"
The bell went and we collected our stuff and we went to meet the boys, they were waiting at the bus stop for us.
The seven of us walked home, Bethany holding hands and walking up front with Niall. Hannah and Jack behind them with their arms around each other. Then me in the middle of Luke an Kie at the back.
The usual formation
"I wonder who is going to stand in for Mr Buttone?" Kie said
Mr Buttone was our Form teacher and music teacher who left today.
"Hopefully someone who can actually teach music" Luke said
We all laughed.
Then Hannah and Jack had to go off down a different road, we all said goodbye. Then Niall and Bethany and finally Luke.
Me and Kie. Live next door to each other, so we have known each other since birth.
He is pretty much my brother.
We hugged goodbye and went down our garden paths, we waved goodbye as we closed our doors.
"I'm home!" I shouted.
No reply, so I sat down and got on with my homework.
***
The next morning Kie came and knocked for me, and we walked off to school.
It was always just me and Jay that walked to school.
I'm glad I hadn't worn tights under the skirt today, it was boiling.
We discussed about the new teacher, and lined up for assembly. Bethany and Hannah appeared with, Niall, Jack and Luke.
We walked in and sat down. Waiting for the assembly to start. The head teacher waddled out.
"Good morning year 11.My first announcement is the new member to the teaching staff. He will be taking over Mr Buttone classes and form class and also doing ms Coverm's drama classes"
A young teacher stepped forward he must have been in his early 20's
"He's young" Hannah whispered to me.
"Yeah" I whispered back
"Welcome Mr.Sykes" the headaches said.
"I have ms Coverm for drama" I whispered to Hannah.
"So you have him as a form teacher, music teacher and drama teacher?" She whispered back.
"Yep and I have double music and drama today" I whispered
We were dismissed and we made our way to music. We went in and sat down.
"Good morning" came a non familiar voice.
The whole class turned around to see Mr.Sykes, with his light brown hair sticking up at the front and his green eyes smiling. He was wearing a suit.
Damn!
"Stop staring" Bethany nudged me.
"I wasn't" I said defensively
"You were" Hannah said on the other side of me
"Whatever" I said.
Once we had been given a piece of music to learn on the keyboard, he came over to me.
"Sorry, what's your name" His smile making my head ho funny.
"I-Immie sir" I stuttered finding it hard to get my words out.
"Okay Immie can I hear it?" He asked nodding towards the keyboard.
"Oohh ummm I haven't don't much" I lied not wanting him to watch me cock up.
"Its fine just show me what you know so far" he smiled softly at me, my fingers felt like jelly.
I played what I could to him.
"Very good" he looked and sounded impressed.
My cheeks felt hot.
"That's most of the piece" he said "I thought you said you hadn't done much?"
"Ummmmmm" was all I could say.
He laughed and turned to Lisa, she could only play the first 4 notes. He went around the class.
"He's hot aint he?" Hannah said to me
I glanced over at him with butterflies "He's a teacher Hannah"
"He can still be hot" she said looking at him
I rolled my eyes and played the piece of music again.
I had drama next; Bethany and Hannah both had chemistry so at the end of the lesson I was left to pack up after them.
It was just me and Mr.Sykes left in the room now. I had butterflies. Hannah wasn't wrong he was good looking.
"What lesson do you have next, Immie? I'll email your teacher"
I felt quite hot when I answered.
“I have drama. With you sir"
He looked up at me.
"Oh well in that case, if you want you can walk up with me?"
"Okay" I replied putting a keyboard away.
"Here, I'll help you" he said grabbing the last keyboard, and walking up to the cupboard where I was.
"Ready?" He asked
"Yes, sir" I replied grabbing my bag.
We walked out, I had butterflies. It was a little awkward; I had such butterflies walking with him.
"Do you enjoy drama and music?" He asked me
"Yeah, it's alright" I replied looking away knowing my face would be bright red.
We walked in silence a little bit more.
"Do you play?" I asked
"Piano" he said
"Oohh" I replied.
"You’re quite talented yourself" he smiled at me
My head went fuzzy and my hands sticky.
"Thank you!" I said with a high pitched voice.
We got to the drama room and I joined the back of the line behind Lisa.
"Were you walking up with him?" She asked me
"No" I said "don't be ridiculous" I scoffed
She eyed me up "I wouldn't mind walking with him"
I sighed, he made me feel weird. But a good weird.
CAMERON’S P.O.V
I watched as the class came in. I felt a little awkward having just asked one of my students to walk up here with me.
But she was different, nice, friendly and she wasn't all dressed up like so many of the others.
Shut up she is a student, treat her equal.
She walked in and tripped up the step on the way in. I couldn't help but smile as she checked what she tripped over.
"Good morning" I said to the class.
They all looked my way. My eyes locked with Immie’s.
We both looked away quickly and I carried on explaining. I sat down at the desk while the class practised.
I watched the groups making sure they are doing what they are supposed to be. My eyes kept watching Immie.
Her dark brown hair falling just below her shoulder blades, I kept watching her legs as she moved.
And her eyes were very stunning, beautiful greeny blue with a yellow ring around the middle.
Stop it. She was my student.
As the bell went I dismissed the class and collected up my paper work. Immie was left to clear up again. She was just about to leave when I dropped all my paper work.
"Fuck it" I said, then I realised she was still in the room "sorry"
"Do you want some help sir?" I heard her voice I looked up and saw her feet, my eyes followed her body the whole way up taking in all the curves in her hips.
Stop staring.
"Yeah please, cheers Immie" I said
She bent down and helped me collect all the papers up. When she passed me them our hands brushed up against another
"Sorry" she blushed and rushed out the room tucking her hair behind her ear.
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139,247 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello there,
Review time
So the first thing I noticed is that you have no paragraphs. The first like three of four sentences in the beginning, when everything is just being introduced, those could all be one paragraph. I know the publishing center on here is sort of weird so everything is super spaced out and all that stuff, but in books and documents, it gets tedious to read if everything is one and two sentence paragraphs because those aren't really paragraphs at all.
So there are just a few things here. Some commas are missing here and other places and then a town or city, anything that's a noun, needs to be capitalized, as well as the beginning of every sentence. That's something a last read through and spell-check can fix.
So here and other places there is also other punctuation missing. The first dialogue need a comma like this: "Immie," Bethany..." and then the second sentence doesn't even have a period, it just ends. Sentences always always need end punctuation. Reading a little further into the dialogue I noticed you always have a dialogue tag. That's a little annoying actually. I'm not quite sure how to put it, I don't want to say awkward, but to have a dialogue tag after or before EVERYTHING can feel exhaustive and stiff. It flows way better if you pick and choose. Sometimes say "she said" or "She asked" but the more important ones are the ones that add to the story. As a reader I want to be able to visualize what's happening, and the picture can get more specific with certain important tags. For example: "No I didn't," she yelled, is way different from "No I didn't" she whined. Can you hear the different mood its setting? Sorry about this long paragraph, I may have been just babbling and annoying you, but my main point is you don't always need a dialogue tag but when you do use one make it count.
This sentence is a bit stiff and awkward as well. It's one of those English rules about joining clauses. I also think saying the bell "went" is a weird verb to pair with that noun. This is a suggested sentence change, but there are always numerous ways to make something flow better. My suggestion: "The bell rang and we collected our stuff to meet the boys at the bus stop. Or: "We collected our stuff as the bell rang, heading toward the bus stop where the boys would be waiting for us." or something like that.
This is another one of those times you can condense. "Form and music teacher..."
Is this just a typo?
So as I read on, I see a lot of the same sentence structure. It's this and then that and then this oh and then that happens. Everything is so orderly and there's not really any description. Try to vary your sentence structure and add adjectives and descriptions of the people and the setting and the way they're having a certain conversation. Right now everything just feels underdeveloped. You've got a skeleton, just put some meat on it, make it sound natural.
I'm not really sure what this is supposed to mean?
My only question about this line is that it doesn't really make too much sense. People walk with teachers all the time. Why would it be ridiculous that she was? There's nothing unordinary about that. I also wanted to add that you use "I got butterflies" or some variation of that a few too many times. There are lots of way to convey that using different words such as: "my stomach clenched in nervousness" or something like that. The same goes for blushing, though I think she blushes a little too often.
At this point I'd say the biggest things to fix are the sentence structure and diction which I hit on before about it being so stiff and basic, and then the lack of imagery. Describe things to me! I want to be able to see this setting in my mind and a lot of the language in this is vague and ambiguous, fill in the holes.
The teachers point of view is a good addition, but I think everything is developing way too fast. Again, it isn't weird to walk down the hall with a student. But also they just met, keep that in mind when you take it further. So the teacher student love story has been done many times but I think each writer puts a different spin on it, I'm interested to see what your spin is. I hope this review helped, tell me if you didn't like anything I had to say, I was honestly just trying to explain where I was coming from. Anyway, tell me when the next chapter is up.
Keep writing.
Change out.
Wow, I think this is really good!
I like the whole student-falling-for-the-teacher scene you made.
I like how you added the teachers P.O.V. as well. It really made the story come together.
It's a little choppy, and a little more description would be great. But besides that, this is going great.
Can't wait to see more from you!
Keep it up!
So far i like it, the whole student falling for a teacher thing is a normal bit but you changed it up a bit by adding the teachers P.O.V too. The stories a little choppy and you should put in a little more description, the people,s looks, the way the class was acting, the way the classroom or school looks, just something to bring the reader more into the whole tale. Overall though, I like it and I'll be impatiently waiting for the next chapter