Published April 9, 2013
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Hello .Jordin is here for a review for you I hope it helps you and my team (So called Hot Sauce and should have been called Ketchup.) I hope this little review is of some use to you.
I think you are incorrect that it is history but it is riddled through the ages of history wars are started because of it and so on.
Okay do not personalize in this kind of thing it is not a good idea.
You have a good deal of feeling in this story it makes it seem like I have been there done that Overall this was great.
Keep writing and have some good luck.
Until later "Good bye."
Hope this helped you out a little bit.
~Jon~
Your poem is generally very good and has a great theme but I'd like to make suggestions.
Your lines are a bit long and some have awkward lengths so to neaten up the quatrains,
In stanza one, there are some unnecessary words that ruin the flow/rhythm;
Love can be composed fully of comedy,
but it will end in nothing ,but tragedy.
It's a box of mysteries,
In the blink of an eye it all becomes history.
I suggest you edit it something like this,
Love can be filled with comedy,
but ends in nothing, but tragedy.
It's a box of mysteries,
in the blink of an eye, becomes history.
It flows a bit more some words cut off, see?
The second stanza is fine, but a word describing your sadness other than blue would be more effective.
Kazeshini, this was beautifully written. I agree with Rosen... seems like a small error in the 3rd stanza (we, hearts...). Also, nice rhyming. Keep writing.
There is an error in the third stanza. That's all and good job.
Oh and one more quick thing,
It looked like you were writing about a girl who finds out the guy she likes is with another girl? It did make me feel very sad at the end, which is a good thing! It shows that your able to incorporate feelings into your poem. That's a very important skill! Keep it up!
Hi There,
Don't know if you meant this word to be as so but on the 3rd stanza, 2nd line, you might have wanted to say "we're or we were". Other than that, I think its a very well organized, amazing poem.