Young Writers Society

Hi there! Here for quick review.

I really enjoyed reading your piece. I think you utilize creative word choice and original lines of thinking in many of these stanzas. However, there are a few areas in which I might change the syntax around a bit. Some of the lines bordered on being wordy or a bit awkward. Other than that, your grammar is overall good, as well as your word choice.

Structurally, this poem is pretty sound. It flows quite nicely and I don't see anything that really needs to be fixed with the structure.

Nice piece, and good job!

Happy writing,

Kali L.

Hey there Nikayla. I'm here to catch up on all of those reviews that I've missed in the green room and now won't get the points for. Everything has been picked over pretty well so I really don't have that much to say. Well there's no time like the present.

So as I've criticized your more developed and perfected poems in the past, I will be totally honest about my overall opinion on this, not even slightly beating around the bush. Overall, I liked this. But there are some things that come with this because there were certain parts I didn't like, that just eventually were overthrown by the good parts.

I started out with reviewing this one because of the title because it spoke to me a bit more than the other ones, not sounding quite as cryptic as the rest. I like cryptic, for the most part, just not when I see it applied to your titles. Perhaps because you're my friend is why this bothers me more than the average poem that I would see walking down the street. When I hear the backstories to a poem, the title makes more sense. This one makes sense without a backstory so maybe that's why it doesn't stick with me very much.
In simpler terms, at a first glance it sticks out from the pack, but once the poem develops, it falls into suit with the rest. I've read so much of your poetry at this point that it just fades together and your style has become uniform. I really don't think you were going for uniform.

The imagery is kind of here and there, my usual conclusion on imagery in a work like this. Having he good elements of adding slight details while also adding drag as the poem is trying to take flight. The punctuation also sorts of floats around, not really adding that much of an effect for most of the piece, looking like you out it there for the hell of it. Some spots looks like you should have put something but decided against it because of how it would affect the image. Such a place being in the first line between couch and arm. To me there would be more of a natural pause there than already added by the line cut.

Yeah I guess that's really all I have for now. Have to work towards that next star one review at a time. I'll see you soon.
<3
~Lizz

Hi Nikayla! I enjoyed reading this, especially for some of the summertime imagery you have in here. So I wanted to leave some of my impressions:

I loved the first stanza especially. The image of the speaker rolling off the coach and being stuck inside and sick of the summer is strong image to start with, setting the tone for the rest of the piece.

My main suggestion would be to take another look at the time transitions in this piece. I think the time transition is a bit inconsistent and makes me a bit confused as to whether they ever did anything this summer, or if its a new problem that they're bored/not content. For example in line 3 the speaker says "for a couple days" they haven't been outside, then it says they are dipping toes into the pool for the "first time in months" and then they observe they "haven't went anywhere in months"... some of this seems contradictory. I don't know if time is passing during the poem? Or if maybe they have a pool at their house? I would maybe change them all to "months" or make it transition so the first one is days, second is weeks, and third is months. I'm also a bit bothered that I'm not sure whether the speaker is observing that they haven't done anything, or that they're just sick about everything that they're doing. I wonder if you could make this more clear from the first stanza, since I'm not sure what the ambiguity adds.

I would also suggest taking another look at making the stanzas connect a bit more.
Moving to the second stanza, I like the image of a family orbiting around one another, not quite touching or really being close enough to appreciate each other. But I wish that it was connected more to other two stanzas. For me, the middle two stanzas seem like a separate story than the bookends.

I read the first stanza as saying, I'm sick or disillusioned with the summer. The second stanza is saying, I'm not connecting with my family this summer. And then the third stanza is questioning or trying to sort out all they've learned this summer with what they're lacking, and trying to rationalize the passing of time. And then the final stanza is giving some reason for why they haven't got out this summer, because the outside is terrorizing the speaker. I find the conflict in stanza 2 and stanza 4 to be a bit contradictory -- is the problem what is inside or outside the home? [I realize I might be just missing some part of the picture though]

I think overall you've established a somewhat consistent tone but I'd like to see more connections in the conflict and story of the piece. What exactly is the speaker's problem and what is the "truth" about summer that they are trying to communicate?

For me I have a hard time figuring out how the third stanza connects especially, I think maybe because there haven't been questions in the preceding part of the poem, and then it's taking on some new subjects.

Although I had a hard time understanding the "story" of the poem, I will say that I very very much enjoyed reading it nontheless. The metaphor of a family orbiting is really clever, and then the juxtaposition of the bullfrogs and cicadas to snipers is also nice. Great job Nikayla, and if you have any questions of comments about my review, please feel free to let me know!

Best,
~alliyah

Hello, Dino here for a short review!

What a marvelous poem and even wonderful read. The imagery was very nice through this bit and quite frankly, I enjoyed the first stanza mainly because it seems a bit powerful and I enjoy that a lot. Now, let's go through this poem line by line, I suppose.

I've been sleeping on the living room couch
arm dangling onto the floor and I haven't been outside
for a couple of days.

I no longer nostalgize over
the smell of chlorine when dipping toes into the pool
for the first time in months, too afraid to show any skin.

I can no longer claim that summer is more than
staying up on sleepless nights and speaking
less than five words a day to the family
orbiting around me (I circle them just the same).

How did I learn more about for years too many to count?

I've peeked out for the window for snipers
too many times to count

Hi!
Machupicchu here for a quick review.

First of all, great poem and I like the them you have chosen and the way you have developed it. Really enjoyed reading it!

I find that both grammar and spelling are quite good so can't say anything about that.

I love the way you start with the poem and how you keep the reader on suspense throughout the poem wondering whether the writer's summer was interesting or not (maybe a waste of time which thankfully enough it didn't turn out so), therefore making the end so delightful.
You really learn a lot of things even if you do not travel and just stay where you are. Everyday in life is learning.

I like how you use the senses. Cicadas screeching brings so many nice memories to me!! The vivid imagery was exceptional as well.

Congratulations!