Published August 3, 2010
lead weights falling from the sky
scream to just release my burden
hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?
how long will i shut my eyes?
how long till i claim what's mine?
how long should i trust this lie?
feel it tumbling in my head
don't know how to keep on worrying
though these doubts are never dead
what is felt is never said.
what is thought cannot be read.
what is roaring my head?
what is it that you have fled?
time elapses like a flight
yet this fire would seize burning
here we hope, we wish, we might
we will never lose this fight
we will not put out the light
we will always be alright
we will fall in love tonight.
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139,781 Literary Works • 672,760 Reviews
Though there are some redundancies and repetitions, I can feel the emotions in this poem.
Keep it up!!!
@AngerManagment I understand that the repetition can get rather monotonous, but when I write poems, I tend to say them out loud, to hear how they sound. So when I wrote this and read it aloud, I would say each new line (that began with a repeating phrase) faster and louder then the one before. If you heard it, it would probably make more sense why it repeats... for instance, in the line:
hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?
how long will i shut my eyes?
how long till i claim what's mine?
how long should i trust this lie?
... I would imagine it to be read like this:
hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?!?!
how long will i shut my eyes?!?!?!?!?!?!
HOW LONG TILL I CLAIM WHAT'S MINE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
HOW LONG SHOULD I TRUST THIS LIE?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
When read this way, either out loud or in your head, the repetion (to me anyways) makes sense... it's like a continuation off the same idea, only each time growing more intense and more vital.
If the repetion makes more sense to you written this way, I will probably make those repeating lines in the poem look more like that (obviously not as excessive).
Just thought I would explain the repetion. Thank you so much for critically reviewing my work
very good! i like this one!
Hey Kayla,
The first thing I thought when I read this bit was 'Lead weights don't scream.' Maybe it's just me but the imagery here doesn't seem to fit.A lot of repetition of 'how long' It all turns into a blur, perhaps you should use other words instead of 'how long' to retain the readers interest in it.
Fell what tumbing in your head? The weights? The voices? Explain...
Again with the repetition only this time with what is.
This is my favorite line in the poem, it reads well and flows with ease.
Repetition, again.
This is a very emotional poem but I felt as though the repetition killed it, There was a really good line but it didn't really redeem the rest of the poem.
Thank you so much. Since I only have two peices on here (I'm new) you can visit www.listenlistenup.blogspot.com for more.
Thanks again <3
I love the emotion in this! I agree with eveyone else! This poem is amazing! I'm going to have to read your other stuff!
--Anne<3
once again very nice job
I noticed one problem . . .
"what is thought is cannot be read." is it suppose to say that??
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling i get from this one. it's a feeling of unending possibilities and hope, so even though it feels, looks, and is said to be impossible it can still be done
thanks for this one!
Hey. Normally I'm not one for poems, but this came off really well and you did a good job with it. I just have a few problems. a lot of the time, you do this:
That red I, and all I's, have to be capitalized, no matter what. Also: You do this at the very end of each section of the poem. You either repeat we will, or what is, or how long. It just seems a little excessive to me. Keep writing!