Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
"Happy birthday, darling," she whispers into my ear. Her heavy breaths tickle the hairs on the back of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. "Now blow out your candles."
In five short puffs, the amber flames licking at the wax fingers vanish into thin air, leaving behind silky wisps of smoke that billow up into the atmosphere. Looking up, I beam at the couple knelt in front of me. His arm snakes around her neck and her head gently rests on his shoulder, her chocolate curls cascading down her cheeks. He reaches out with his free arm to take my hand, squeezing it softly, whispering in a comforting voice,
"We love you, Naomi. Mama and Papa love you so very much."
Falling into their arms, I wrap one arm around each of their necks, my fingertips brushing against each other when they meet in the middle. Pressing my lips against his cheek and then her cheek, I say to them,
"I love you too."
We remain in a tight embrace for a moment or two, just the three of us, entwined together like three strands of hair tied into a braid. When we break apart, she pulls the plate over and gives me a wobbly smile. Her trembling hand grasps the knife and it shakily slices through the honey sponge, dissecting it into three small, oddly-shaped pieces. They are soon devoured by our ravenous appetites, appeasing the grumbling in the pit of our stomachs. Tiny crumbs strewn over the wooden floorboards serve as a reminder of this morning's events, implanting a lasting memory into my mind. One that I hoped to treasure forever.
"We have something for you, darling."
Looking up at them, I notice a crumpled, brown paper parcel clutched in their hands, a ragged piece of string bandaged around it to keep the paper in place. Gently, I take it from their grasp and place it down on the floor in front of me. My eyes wander over it, intrigued by its peculiar shape. Something I had never seen before. The fact that it was obscure to me triggered an excitement to open it.
Tentatively, my fingers deftly ease the string out of its knot. The strand falls limply to the ground and I pull the layers of brown paper off the packaged item, unwinding it like a roll of tape. My eyes widen in amazement. On the ground before me, glinting in the rays of early morning sunlight, is a silver oval pendant affixed to a silver chain. Sliding two fingers underneath the chain, I raise it into the air and admire this gift that's now under my possession.
"Look inside," she says softly.
Resting the pendant in the palm of my hand, I unhook the hasp and let half of the oval swing back on its diminutive hinge. Neatly squeezed into the two miniature frames are two tiny pictures: one of her and one of him. My face lights up. I glance up to them, my eyes shining.
"Happy birthday, Naomi," she whispers for the second time today. For the last time today.
Bang. Bang. Bang. At the door.
"We know you're in there. Open up!" an angry voice shouts. I whimper.
He scrambles to his feet and dashes off towards the back door. Turning around briefly, he mouths something to her that causes a tear to slip down her cheek then steals away into the morning darkness shrouding the outside. I look up to her.
"Why are you sad?"
Bang. Bang. Bang.
She smiles at me, brushing the tears out of her eyes. "I'm not sad."
"Then why are you crying?" I ask, puzzled.
Suddenly, a thunderous bang ricochets off the hollow walls. Spinning around in a blind panic, my eyes are overwhelmed with a throng of angry men storming into the room. Large rifles are slung over their shoulders and black helmets painted with white numbers are strapped over their heads, their faces red with rage. The last man to enter the room is the largest, striding pompously towards her, his muscular arms swinging rhythmically by his sides. His huge hands grab her shoulders, shaking her with his tenacious grip.
"Where is he?" the man snarls viciously.
"I...I don't know." She starts to cry.
The palm of his hand makes contact with her cheek. "Don't lie to me, bitch, where is he?" the man thunders.
She continues to cry, tears sliding down her cheeks like water trickling down a stream. The man grumbles, letting go of her shoulder. Her knees buckle and she collapses into a heap on the floor as a sobbing mess.
"Stupid whore." The man grunts then jabs a finger in my direction. "Grab the kid. Take her where she needs to go. I'll deal with her and we'll find him shortly. There's nowhere for him to hide." He cackles somewhat triumphantly and spits on her, saliva drooling down in between her curls.
I stay frozen to the spot, frightened of what to do. Two men grab my wrists and drag me towards the door. Snapping out of my trance, I scream, my voice raw with panic. All of a sudden, she looks up and catches sight of me being hauled away. She gets to her feet and runs towards me. Her hands grab my shoulders and she holds me close against her, whispering soothingly into my ear,
"Don't cry, Naomi. Don't cry. Brave warriors don't cry. True warriors never cry."
"I'm scared," I whimper.
"Don't be scared, darling. There's nothing to be scared of."
Just then, two men seize hold of her, trying to wrench her away from me. I scream again. She looks into my eyes and smiles at me. She kisses my forehead.
"Mama loves you, Naomi. Papa loves you. We both love you. Never forget that."
"I love you, Mama." I fight back the urge to cry. True warriors never cry.
She smiles and says, "That's my girl." With that, she allows herself to be yanked away, disappearing into the house. Then I realise that I'm outside. Glancing up to the sky, bright sunlight beats down on my forehead, forming a tiara of perspiration beads just below my hairline. Flashes of green and brown and orange and red and yellow and blue cloud my vision, as the colours become blurs and the blurs become shapes.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Hands tied behind his back. His face black and blue with bruises, narrow cuts adorning his cheeks. One of the angry men forces him down onto his knees. Another stands about five metres in front of him, gripping something in his hand. It takes me a moment to figure out what's going on. By then, it's too late.
Bang.
His lifeless body crashes against the ground, fumes of dust concealing his demise. I scream.
Everything goes black. But the pendant is still grasped tightly in my fist.
Wow. Emotionally charged. This is a GOOD prologue. I think you have a lot of a good author's intuition. I could've gone for getting a better picture of the scene at the beginning. I couldn't see the lay-out of where they were at. You used BANG a lot for sound. Maybe you could change that up a little bit, but I really only have a small issue with it. Not necessary that you change it, it's still gonna read well.
Might I sing, "Biiiig Girls, Dooon't Cry?"
DD cool story. *hands you some shades*
Yo. Here's Jimmy!
I have been in a reviewing mood lately so I decided to stop on by and see if I could help ya out a little. (Pardon my incorrect spelling. Never was one for formalities.) So here I am, and I hope I can give a little constructive criticism.
Oh and welcome to YWS. I think you will like it here. It really is a great community.
Alright, just a little disclaimer. I have the grammar skills of a blind five-year-old ESL student. So, I won't be making any major grammar fixes. (Phrasing, on the other hand, I can help with.)
Also, someone forgot to put a filter on me when I was born, so if I say anything offensive don't take personally.
Now enough of me talking. Let's do this.
1) I know that description is good but at the beginning, I would say that you actually have too much at the beginning. The scene moves really slow, and I don't think it has the feeling you are going for. Don't get me wrong, I understand where you are going with it, but it is a little confusing and there are a lot of metaphors and the like that breaks a reader's concentration.
2) You need to be very clear who the couple is if it is her parents. You play the pronoun game a lot. Random "His" and "Her" without direct connection. It would be 10x clearer if you said something like "at my parents knelt in front of me. Papa with his arm snaked around Mama's neck and her head resting on her shoulder". After you say that, you can use all the "he" and "she's" Ya want but at least give some context first.
3) "Tiny crumbs strewn over the wooden floorboards serve as a reminder of this morning's events, implanting a lasting memory into my mind."
This sentence doesn't seem to make sense just from first reading it. How are tiny crumbs on the floorboards reminders? I don't know. It just seemed out of place.
4) "glinting in the rays of early morning sunlight"
I would add a "coming through the window" on the end of that just make it clear. I don't know. Just a personal preference.
5) "The palm of his hand makes contact with her cheek."
He slapped her. This phrase just seems like overkill. Keep it simple where you can. Save the show not tell for more complex things.
6) I feel like you are trying really hard to give us the impression these guys are evil. The main guy calls the mother a whore, hits her, spits on her. I'm not sure all that is needed. I mean, it's your choice don't get me wrong, but I feel like a more subdued villain might be even more terrifying. Someone cold and callous. Someone who is merciless. Let his minions be evil and spit and call her a whore if you go that route.
7) I think you have so many opportunities in here to add more dialogue. Dialogue is great in the fact that it is very versatile. There is little dialogue here except for the mother and the child. That's not a bad thing prima facie but I think adding more dialogue from the secondary characters would make the scene truly come to life. For example, right after the mother kisses her child's head you could have the main baddie say "That's enough of that. Take her" or something like that and then add the sentence about her being pulled away. Dialogue helps character development.
Ok! On to the positives!
1) I liked the dialogue between the mother and the child. It was well done and portrayed a lot of emotion.
2) You set a scene really well and have a knack for description. Keep that up, as it really helps get a reader engaged.
3) In fact, overall you did very good at portraying emotion. That can be a very challenging thing to do over a written medium and you did it quite well.
Ok, that is it for me. I hope that somewhere is this nonsense you can find something helpful. Also, note that there are all opinions and I'm very opinionated. My goal was to let you know how your story was being viewed from the eyes of the reader. With that being said, I'm a tough critic so don't think I'm trying to pick on you or anything.
Anyway, good luck writing! Hope to see you around!
Cheers,
Jimmy
Hello, KayLou1609, PastelSlushie here for a review. And again, welcome to YWS, it's nice to see you have already posted something. Let's get right into it!
As Lumos had said, most people aren't fans of prologues, and I am also one of them. They're usually vague when describing characters by calling them 'he,' 'she,' 'they,' and so on. This prologue is no exception. There is nothing wrong with stating past events in your story, but I would suggest showing it in flashbacks, or maybe even in journal entries, the list goes on! Put your own twist on it!
The writing style you have seems very naturally written, and not forced. The words bring a nice scene of what is happening in the characters' actions, but I would personally like to see more imagery. What am I talking about, you ask? I would like to see more sentences that describe the room the characters are in. While details such as the cake, present, and the men that kill Naomi's father was something I have to appreciate, I would like to see more details on what their house or apartment looks like.
Now, a review can't be a review without a nitpick, can it? Yes, it can, haha, but there is something I want to point out something that bothers me quite a bit. In the lines where it's saying Bang Bang Bang indicating gunshots, I feel they should be in italics because a book wouldn't say bang bang bang as a normal sentence.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or if you disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future writing.
Pastel
Hi KayLou, Lumos here stopping by for a quick review.
Most people frown upon prologues (I am one of them), but that's not to say they're necessarily bad. Just most prologues are incredibly vague and bad forms of foreshadowing. As long as the prologue actually has to do with the plot/story and it's not being thrown in for fun, then go for it! Just wanted to let you know, since I see I lot of prolouges being added because writers think they need one.
With that said, let's get into it!
"Happy birthday, darling," she whispers in my ear ear. Her heavy breaths tickle the hairs on the back of my neck, sending a shiver down the back of my spine. "Now blow out your candles."
Looking up, I beam at the couple knelt in front of me.
I stay frozen to the spot, frightened of what to do.
Samk642 popping in!!!! Welcome to YWS!! I hope your loving it here so far! Also, I'm here to get this wonderful prolouge out of the green room!!!
First off, I must say, you did great on the rule of show, not tell. Next, the men that raided the house and killed the parents, it gave me chills, and drew me into the story, wanting to see it through. I am going to agree with IcyFlame though, and the whole banging lines were a bit disruptive as a reader. And on the second round of banging, perhaps write "suddenly the pounding resumed on door"? On the whole though, it was fantastic!!!
Samk642 out!!
P.S. pm on the next chapter, I am liking where the story is heading
Hello there KayLou,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying your time on the site so far and it's great to see that you're already posting a piece of work. As this is the first review you've received, I'm just going to give you a breakdown of how I tend to work, just so you understand my review a bit better.
First off I'll go into the nitty gritty details - the nitpicks of grammar, speech or spelling issues. Then I'll try and give you my overall impression of the structure and the flow of your piece.
Lastly, I'll comment on your characters and plot development and let you know what I thought of your work all together. Got it? Ok, good, now on to the review!
Nitpicks
."Happy birthday, darling," she whispers intothe crevice ofmy ear.
My face lights up
BANG. BANG. BANG.
"Don't lie to me, bitch, where is he?"
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