Published November 26, 2009
Hi all, this is a little story I just randomly started writing..... Out of procrastination of finishing that last three thousand of my Nanowrimo. Oh well. Back to this one, I don't know what it's going to be about right now, but it starts out really good. Thanks for all reviews
Also, I think the title is supposed to be 'Lives Collide' rather than 'Lifes Collide'. Other than that the spelling/punctuation seemed pretty good
i liked this in itself, it was a really cute, kind of moving, piece about a guy and his girlfriend. i think the scene was set perfectly and that all the information you included fit within the story well, helping to add significance to (instead of detract from) the couple's relationship. the only thing i had a problem with was that the writing seemed to get a little shaky in some places.
but first i want to point out the writing that i liked.
this was a great description of the cold and the way the narrator feels about the girl. this was probably my favorite part of the whole piece. it was sweet and well written.
afterwards, though, the thread of the story starts to drop off. when you begin to explain about the former best friend the shift into back-story seems abrupt and awkward. so does the arrival at the party and pretty much everything after the line "Let's go to that Davidson party." It's not that i don't like the direction you take it all, it's just that i feel like you didn't spend enough time on it. i think edit it and make it stronger and it'll all be good.
the ending i liked a lot. it was a good way to give meaning to the rest of the piece. so good job!!! i really like this, just strengthen the middle a little.