Dreamer (Temp.)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The wooden steps creak under my weight. As I make my way up each one, the pain in my stomach grows deeper and I wince. Leave, leave now. Finally, the door faces me. It’s old fashioned, simply made of wood and nothing more. The pain grows once more. Something is bad, very bad. Hesitating slightly, I open the door and it creaks to life.

“Is anyone there?” I call out into the blackness, expecting nothing. The eerie whisper of the wind sends chills down my spine. The only light is a flickering candle near the end of the long hallway. The wind stops, and the door closes with a soft thud. I pivot on my heels, trying to unlock the door. It doesn’t budge. My paranoia starts creating images in my mind, I kick at the door.

“Let me out!” I pound on the door, it still doesn’t budge. I gulp down a breath of air, closing my eyes. When I open them again, I’ve faced back towards the candle.

I can do this. I can do this. I urge, trying to tell myself to simply find another way out. But another part of me just wants to stay just where I was. I take a steady step towards the light, just a small one. I stop. I can’t do this.

You can do anything, Harley Nicole. My grandmother’s voice runs like currents through my mind, piecing off my doubt little by little. I take another step, my sneakers squeak loudly.

“H-H-Harley.” A voice, soft as the wind, whispers. The flicker of the candle threatens to blow out. Vanishing as quickly as it was lit. I close my eyes once more and hope that it didn’t blow out, I open them slowly. Inch by creeping inch I lift my lids to – thankfully – find the candle the same still as it was before. A sigh of relief floods through my mouth.

I come to another door, same as before, no windows just wood. I grab the door knob, it’s warm. As if someone had just touched it. But this house was ancient, no one could possibly know about it. I push it open, hoping nothing lurks from behind it. As quick as I opened the door, it locked close. I keep my calm.

It’s still dark as ever, but a single window’s current billows like a sail as the wind passes by in a cool breeze. The floor beneath me is slick. And I hope that it is just plain old water. I slip and fall, and I feel it’s too thick for water. I get up and run to the moonlight streaming through window, placing my hands under it. It isn’t the cool clear of water, but red. Automatically, I recognize it’s blood. The only thing you hear is my scream, and I can’t remember anything else.

Hello

I really like the tone of this story, and i was alongside the character.

Just one thing, you tend to use a lot of cliched phrases in your description;

'Wooden steps creaking', 'flickering candle at the end of the long hallway', 'a single window’s current billows like a sail as the wind passes by in a cool breeze'

things like this don't work so well for me. I appreciate what you're trying to convey, but I think some more attention needs to be paid towards these phrases, maybe you can find a more original way to express them. Also, shake things up a bit with your adjectives and verbs and like Evi said, chuck in some metaphors or similies to amp up the scariness.

Like where this has begun and i think you can turn it into something really good. Just drive the terror of you character really hard.

But good one. Keep writing

What I like about this story is that you created tone. Very good, you’ve made the reader feel the story…you perfectly convey the story through the use of diction such as ancient, creak and chills.
Furthermore, you were able to reveal the character’s emotion through her thoughts and her monologue…I like it…its very good

But…where are you?? I get the tone, I get the character but where are you?? I have no clue where you are?/ are you in some old building, are you in a house, where??? This is the problem…you must describe the place or say that you are in a building or something. As well, describe the place. When you mentioned ancient how ancient is the building? Are there cracks in the windows, is the floor destroyed, are there animal skeletons…what?? But it is the setting you must give in detail because without it, the story cannot flow better and the imagery that you’ve work through the diction will be useless.

Other than that…good job!

Hey. Evi gave you a great review, but I figure I'll add my penny's worth anyway. Few nitpicks, and then a general summary.

nothing more. The pain grows once more.

it creaks to life.

My paranoia starts creating images in my mind, I kick at the door.

I can do this. I can do this. I urge, trying to tell myself to simply find another way out. But another part of me just wants to stay just where I was.

runs like currents through my mind

piecing off my doubt little by little

I take another step, my sneakers squeak loudly.

“H-H-Harley.” A voice, soft as the wind, whispers.

The flicker of the candle threatens to blow out.

The flicker of the candle threatens to blow out. Vanishing as quickly as it was lit.

A sigh of relief floods through my mouth.

I grab the door knob, it’s warm. As if someone had just touched it. But this house was ancient, no one could possibly know about it.

I keep my calm.

Hey, Evi here! ^^

So, I'm gonna make this short.

My paranoia starts creating images in my mind, I kick at the door.

As quick as I opened the door, it locked close.

And I hope that it is just plain old water. I slip and fall, and I feel it’s too thick for water. I get up and run to the moonlight streaming through window, placing my hands under it. It isn’t the cool clear of water, but red. Automatically, I recognize it’s blood.