Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
To see artwork of this story, please visit http://whiterabbitslaughing.deviantart.com/
PROLOGUE
I almost didn't notice the crux's approach over the outcry and gunfire but I caught the it's arm just in time to avoid having a blade stuck in my chest. It threw a punch for my jaw with it's free hand. I jackknifed my elbow between it's raised arms and to it's throat. Upon releasing my grasp, it stumbled backwards and quickly drew a hand to it's neck.
I didn't waste my opportunity; Sliding my foot behind the crux's, I tripped it onto the floor, aimed my knife for it's chest and fell with my full bodyweight. The knife penetrated the crux's skin and slipped into it's chest cavity.
It's eyes bulged and a gasp slipped between it's lips, followed by a spray of crimson which speckled my face.
I felt the warmth pool around my hands which still clutched the knife's hilt with white knuckles. It was trembling but frozen in shock, wide eyes stared up at nothing.
I pulled the knife from the crux's body, quickly pushing myself up off my knees and to my feet. With the blade removed the wound sucked air into the ruined lung, causing the wretched creature to spew crimson from it's mouth and nose. I stepped away from the convulsing mess. I could hear it's labored gasping as it sucked it's own blood back down it's throat.
Spinning around towards the cargo, I shouted over the clamor for GD to secure the crate. I took cover behind a cracked concrete pillar and reloaded my revolver. Just as I had lifted my gun a loud smash resounded through the subway.
I snapped back towards the crate, which was lying on its side with its expensive cargo scattered across the floor. GD stood beside it with a look of surprise.
Rage bubbled in my throat. "You fucking idiot! We don't have time for this shit!" I screeched at him. "Hurry we-" the cargo access gateway opened with a groan that could be felt in your chest and gut. Bright light poured through the door and spread through the dim room. At least three dozens silhouettes began pouring in through the massive door. The sound of machine gun fire filled the air.
My rage disappeared, replaced with a feeling of dread. I ducked further behind the pillar. I looked between the approaching figures and the crate. GD was on his knees, completely focused on scooping the crimson gems back into the box.
If I waited a moment longer my opportunity could slip away. My forehead was slick with cold sweat, stimulating my fight or flight reflexes. 1
I took a deep breath and let it out slow before tearing around the corner and racing towards the cargo spill as fast as I could. I bullet buzzed by my leg, almost hitting me. My heart pounded as I zipped back and forth to avoid the few bullets that flew in my direction. I slipped on one of the spilled rubies, sending me flying, face-first onto the solid concrete and gem shards. I quickly pulled myself to my knees, the crate loomed above me, blanketing me with it's shadow. I turned to the side where GD was also on his knees only a foot away, looking quite shocked. He hovered a hand over me as if to steady me with actually touching me.
"Are you okay?" He asked, his look of shock immediately turned to concern. "Grate!" I yelled, mentally facepalming my unintentional pun.
Grabbing GD's shirt collar, i sprung to my feet with a scraping a handful of the gemstones off the ground. He remained on his knees, too massive to even budge.
I quickly turned the corner of the crate, forcing GD off the ground. I was still holding his shirt tight in my grasp, even though my hand was raised well above my head he still needed to stoop to nearly half his size. I crept quickly onto the train tracks and slipped between the stationary boxes. GD was struggling to fit though, I let go of his collar and began to unhook the boxes.
The yelling and gunfire grew ever louder as they came closer to discovering us. I yanked futility at the chain that bound the train cars, only to have GD snatch it from my hands and jerk it straight from the car itself. He put his hands on one of the boxes and pushed it down the tracks in the direction of the Cruxes.
I heard a volley of shouts before the crates jolted to a stop due to something becoming lodged in its wheels. Not what I was planning, but That was better than my idea. "Hurry!" I shouted in a whisper, jogging down the thin walkway between the train cars and the brick wall.
I stopped when I reached a massive grate in the floor and waited for GD to open it. As soon as grate was pulled off I slid into the hole and landed in a crouched position inside of the tunnel, moving out of GD's way as he clambered down.
The only light came from the grates at the ceiling of the tunnel that were spaced about five yards from each other. GD closed the hatch behind him and followed quickly behind me as I speedwalked away from the Claretcrux's direction with my gun drawn. I worried that they'd also entered the tunnel, but that proved to not be the the case as we exited the tunnel safely to the small backwater town of Doveport. I raised one of the gems I had picked up to the light. It was a painted rock. "Damn it!" I shouted, throwing them to the ground as hard as I could. They hit the tunnel end and bounced off into the murky water below.
I don't what I expected, I knew it was too good to be true; And I was right. The entire mission had been a complete disaster, only claiming more lives.
We are losing this battle.
1:Cold sweats can be triggered by fear or anxiety, It is the body's reaction to stress as part of the "fight or flight" response that helps us to react in a dangerous situation.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
'Ello KayB! Here to critique. I'll dive right in. My first impressions go as this:
Who is the crux, and what is it? Can you explain what the crux looks like; how its body is shaped or even the cruel intensity in its eyes? Or maybe how it stared at the main character with a violent intent? This will allow the reader to picture what's going on better. Even if you mention how it looks like later, you should explain what it looks like while he is fighting it or else it's just going to be left blank in our minds. Some of the sentences seem rushed or like they were run-ons that forced me to reread it because it seemed a bit jumbled up. There seems to be a lot of semicolons as well which aren't really needed, like the one you used at the end:
"I don't know what I expected, I knew it was too good to be true; And I was right."
This sentence is choppy and awkward. Instead of using the semicolon, use a period instead. Semicolons are only used when joining two or more ideas in one sentence that are relative to one another. Most of the time they don't need to be used.
Also, I saw that you just said that an object was there but you didn't really go into detail. Like this: "It was a painted rock." Well, that's alright. But it sounds a bit amateur. But, if you combine the two sentences together("I raised one of the gems I had picked up to the light". You get this(corrected version): I picked up one of the gems I found in the dirty water and held it to the light. It was nothing but a stupid, painted rock.
"Grabbing GD's shirt collar, i sprung to my feet with a scraping a handful of the gemstones off the ground."
You forgot capitalization here, small mistake.
This is a good draft although I think if you made the flow more consistent and the sentences less choppy with more description it would be amazing.
Thank you, I'll keep this in mind.
Hi there!
So the first thing I wanted to say is: I'm not a big of fan of in medias res, but I didn't mind it much here. The reason I don't like it is that I find myself in the middle of the action before I even know who the characters are or why I should care about them in the slightest.
(It typically works best in series where we already know the characters from earlier books/episodes/movies.)
That said, I didn't mind the way this started that much. Rather than giving us a completely generic scenario, there were things that made this stand out and raised questions. I was curious to find out what a crux is (secret agent, or alien life form?) and what the deal was with these gemstones on the floor that turn out to be fake anyway. I think it also helped that you had GD there for the narrator to interact with instead of the lone, unknown narrator taking down baddies themselves.
I'm also curious to see where this goes. Is it a section from the middle of the story, and chapter one is going to show us how this all started? Or is it something from long before the main story took place, and we're going to start somewhere unrelated when chapter one begins? It could go either way, which is intriguing.
I think we could use some answers about cruxes before this goes further, however. We don't need to know their origins and their whole story, but a bit of a physical description would be nice. Are they humans who work for a particular organization, and "crux" is the term for people who work for said organization? Or are they a different kind of life form? Right now I'm not sure if this is a gritty, edgy action/adventure novel set in the real world or more of a sci-fi.
Also, watch out for things like this.
Describing what the narrator's individual body parts are doing distances us from the action and also makes the narrator seem weirdly detached from their body. Instead of saying "my head did this, my foot did that," etc, you can reword such sentences like this.
Write on!
Thank you, this will help me a lot in the future! I am aware of how painfully undescriptive it is, but this is more of a rough, semi finished draft that I'm working to improve. I would have described the Crux's appearance, but the story contains so many different species I'm currently unsure of what to make it out to be just yet.