Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Script » Dramatic

E - Everyone

To be a Plebe: Part 1

by artemis15sc


Author’s note: For those who are unfamiliar with play lingo, beat refers to a pause in the dialogue and con’t is short for continued.

*******************************************************

Cast of Characters:

Forrest Erickson……………………… 18 year old Plebe. (Freshman) at West Point. Evan’s roommate.

Evan Razinski………………………… 18 year old Plebe. Forrest’s roommate

Tara Stimola…………………………… 18 year old Plebe.

Kaden Carpenter………………………. 19 year old sophomore, exchange student from the Naval Academy.

Daniel Torrez…………………………. 21 year old Plebe, formerly enlisted in the army and spent a year at the West Point Prep school.

Sergeant Koffman……………………… Non-commissioned officer in charge on inspecting Plebe dorms.

Setting: Various locations around West Point, the United states Military Academy.

Time: Modern day

Scene 1: In a small space on the stage are two beds, desks, and dressers. A dorm room for two people. It’s early in the morning, just before 5:30, on the first day of classes. On stage are Razinski and Erickson. Erickson is still in bed, but Razinski has just finished getting into his uniform.

Razinski: Erickson, Erickson come on. Wake up. You’re going to be late to formation.

Erickson: What?

Razinski: Come on. It’s 5:23

Erickson: What time is it?

Razinski: 5:23.

Erickson: (A beat). 0523.

Razinski: What?

Erickson: The time. It’s 0523 hours. In military ti—

Razinski: Oh yeah, yeah right. Formation’s at… 0530, so let’s go.

Erickson: 0650.

Razinski: Come on, Plebe, time’s a wasting.

Erickson: Formation is at 0650 hours. Not 0530.

Razinski: No. Reveille is always at 0530.

Erickson: We don’t have Reveille today.

Razinski: No. The Drill Sergeant said—

Erickson: First Captain.

Razinski: What?

Erickson: He’s our First Captain, not our Drill Sargent.

Razinski: Fine. Whatever, he said we have formation today.

Erickson: Breakfast formation, not Reveille. Which is at 0650.

Razinski: No. He said—

Erickson: Reveille was part of basic training, and basic training is over. Now we have breakfast formation, which is at—

Razinski: 0650. Are you sure? Because if you’re wrong and we miss Reveille—

Erickson: There is no more Reveille. (A beat). If you don’t believe me check your packet.

Razinski: (He grabs his packet and begins to read it) I did. It didn’t say anything about... (He stops, finding the schedule). Are you sure about this? Because the first sergeant, captain whatever didn’t say anything about it being at a different time…

Erickson: But he did say read the packet. And the information was in the packet.

Razinski: That’s just bad leadership. IA good leader makes sure every member of his team knows exactly what’s happening. What if we were in the field, huh? A mistake like this could have gotten me killed. Unbelievable. No wonder those recruits were so desperate to get people to come here. They’ve got idiots running the show, am I right?

Erickson: Just shut up.

Razinski: Easy man. See? This is why the Army needs to get its act together. You don’t do well when you’re sleep deprived.

(Erickson gives up sleeping and gets out of bed. Razinski puts away his clothes)

Erickson: They don’t go like that.

Razinski: What?

Erickson: Your clothes. You can’t fold them like that. Also they need to be one shelf up.

Razinski: You sure?

Erickson: It’s regulations.

Razinski: How do you know this?

Erickson: It’s in the packet.

Razinski: You read that thing? Where did you find the time? (Erickson Shrugs) Does it say what happens in the packet if I don’t do it right?

Erickson: Just trust me. You want to follow them.

Razinski: Ridiculous. (A beat) Well come on. It’s not like our company is going to get overrun by the enemy of the safety of the American population going to be threatened if my shirt’s not folded properly. That’s insane.

Erickson: That’s army. (A beat) Your hats are in the wrong order.

Razinski: Oh yeah? And what order are they supposed to be in?

Erickson: From left to right, grey, white, and standard.

Razinski: Okay seriously, how do you know all this?

Erickson: I told you. I read the packet.

Razinski: And memorized it?

Erickson: (A beat) My dad went here. And my grandpa. They told me stuff.

Razinski: Wow. So you’re a third generation West Point-er

Erickson: Seventh. I’m a seventh generation.

Razinski: What, are you serious? So you’re great, great something grandfather way back when—

Erickson: The Civil War.

Razinski: Yeah, yeah, the Civil War. So you’re like, a veteran or something.

Erickson: No, I’m not.

Razinski: Lucky I got you as my roommate, isn’t it? (Erickson starts to exit) Where are you going?

Erickson: Running.

Razinski: Wait. What classes do you have today? Here, look at my schedule, tell me if we have anything together. ( He hands his schedule to Erickson). You know those placement tests they make us take? I got placed in the highest class in each category. I checked. So, do we have anything together?

Erickson: History. (He hands it back.) See you at formation.

Razinski: Yeah, yeah sure. And thanks for saving me this morning. I know the first Sergeant would’ve come down on me even if it was his fault.

End scene.

Scene 2: Barack’s (dorm) lounge room, filled with a few tables and couches. They are few people reading or talking. It’s evening time. Erickson is sitting by himself at a table when Stimola enters. She crosses over to him)

Stimola: (Taking a seat) Are you studying?

Erickson: Uhh… yeah, why?

Stimola: It’s just, they have rooms for that. You know, study rooms. That are quiet.

Erickson: I don’t mind the noise.

Stimola: Yeah-huh. Hey Carpenter! (She waves to Kaden Carpenter, who has just entered. He joins them at their table.) I’m Stimola, by the way. You were next to me in formation.

Erickson: Right. I remember.

Stimola: No you don’t. But it’s okay. You got time to get it down. This is Carpenter, by the way.

Erickson: Good day, Sir.

Carpenter: Just call me Carpenter.

Erickson: You look like a middie, Sir.

Carpenter: Probably because I am one. I’m a Naval Academy exchange student.

Erickson: How you get stuck with that?

Carpenter: You really think it’s that bad here? Sure it’s not as good as the Naval Academy, but it’s all right. And the food’s better.

Stimola: First day wasn’t so bad. Only 115 more to go.

Erickson: Until the semester’s over?

Stimola: Until the Army-Navy game.

Erickson: Isn’t it a little soon to be thinking about that?

Stimola: It’s never too soon. Why do think I’m hanging out with him? It’s not because I like him, I just need him to like me so he’ll let me borrow his uniform for my spirit video.

Carpenter: That’s basically all she’s talked about since we met.

Erickson: Aren’t you worried fraternizing that much with the enemy could be problematic?

Stimola: No. I’m hard-core. Plus I’m used to it. I come from a split-family.

Erickson: A what?

Stimola: A split- family. My brother’s at the Naval Academy, and my mom graduated from there.

Carpenter: What about your dad? Who does he support?

Stimola: He’s Active Duty. Infantry. He already got his Platoon in Afghanistan to send me a “Go Army, Beat Navy” video.

Carpenter: And what about you, Erickson, is it? You come from a military family?

Erickson: (Nodding). I’m guessing you don’t?

Carpenter: Nope. I came straight from being a civ to an officer overnight. Didn’t really feel real for a few weeks though. Kind of makes me hate you guys.

Stimola: It doesn’t make a difference. Everyone’s a civvy first, and then were all just Plebes. Even the priors can’t say they’re much different.

Erickson: I guess. Some of these Plebes though. You just know they’re not going to shake the civilian. I bet my roommate doesn’t last a semester.

Stimola: Who’s your roommate?

Erickson: Razinski.

Stimola: Shut up. Razinski’s your roommate? He’s in my psychology class. Guy’s a genius. He kind of seems like a suck-up, with the way Professor Lenz was lapping up everything he said. Still, he’s nice enough. I think I remember him from Beast too. He did the most push-ups out of anyone in our company. Had the highest accuracy in the shooting range too.

Carpenter: Back up. What’s beast?

Stimola: Summer training for new cadets. Oh that’s right. Naval Academy doesn’t have on. Because they aren’t Army strong.

Carpenter: Which is why we always beat you at football.

Stimola: Not this year. This year’s our year. I can feel it. (A beat) You done your Plebe duties yet?

Erickson: I’m about too. What you got?

Stimola: Mail Delivery. You?

Erickson: Laundry delivery.

Stimola: Theoretically, no one’s getting mail or their laundry done on the first day.

Erickson: But you know the upperclassmen are going to pestering us all night anyway.

Stimola: At least you’ll have Razinski to keep you company.

Erickson: What?

Stimola: Razinski has laundry duty with you, didn’t he tell you?

Erickson: How do you know this?

Stimola: I pay attention. And he told me. Seemed really excited about it.

Erickson: (Gathering up his stuff and muttering) Great.

Stimola: Tell him hi for me.

He exits.

End scene.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 1439
Reviews: 31

Donate
Sun Feb 22, 2015 12:24 pm
Barbilo wrote a review...



This is neat. You write very well and it is easy to follow so well done.

My review:

- Time telling is so OTN (On the nose). Of course, time is important in military and elsewhere but when you make it a point to mention 5:23 four times, 5:30 and 6: 50so many times it becomes redundant.

- Show, don't tell. Let the dialogue complement the actions and don't tell the reader what is happening in the scene that can be described. Taking the example of the time, you can use subtext to let the reader know that Erickson is late and that Razinksi is very eager to be early.

For example: Scene 1

" Scene 1: In a small space on the stage are two beds, desks, and dressers. A dorm room for two people. It’s early in the morning, just before 5:30, on the first day of classes. On stage are Razinski and Erickson. Erickson is still in bed, but Razinski has just finished getting into his uniform.

Razinski: Erickson, Erickson come on. Wake up. You’re going to be late to formation.

Erickson: What?

Razinski: Come on. It’s 5:23

Erickson: What time is it?

Razinski: 5:23.

Erickson: (A beat). 0523. "


Try:

"
Scene 1: Dorm room. In a small space on the stage are two beds, desks, and dressers. It’s early in the morning, just before 5:30.

On stage are Razinski and Erickson. Erickson is still in bed, but Razinski has just finished getting into his uniform.

Razinski shakes Erikson.

Razinski: Erickson, Erickson come on.

Erickson: What?

Razinski: Wake up. You’re going to be late to formation.

Erickson: What time is it?

Razinski: 5:23.

Erickson jumps out of bed with a start. He looks lost. Beat.

Erickson: Already? "

- In short, use more action then let the dialogue complement the story otherwise it will just be two people repeating lines on stage. Military camp is an active setting so let the characters show more action in what they do, or no action if they are a sluggish character in contrast to other active characters.

- On many time descriptions you forgot to put the semi colon e.g "530" instead of "5:30"

- Use the first scenes to introduce some sort of conflict as well.


You've done a great job so far. The story is interesting.




User avatar
240 Reviews


Points: 279
Reviews: 240

Donate
Sun Feb 22, 2015 1:09 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for her first review since September! September! That's like...HALF A YEAR! So you get the honor of getting a review from a rusty reviewer. >,< Oh and Happy Review Day! Now let us do this thing, shall we?

Since this is a script, I think you should be a little more descriptive on who is doing what. For example, at the beginning where Razinski(I like this name :D It's fun to say) is waking up Erickson, you should have Razinski: (nudging/shaking Erickson) Erickson... As at the end, who exits? I know it's obvious who does it but you should specify which character does what. If you aren't specific enough, then the reader may think of the story as something much more different than what it really is. Also, I am really curious on why you refer to your characters by their last name? Is this a manner of respect or just how you wanted to do it? Usually, scriptwriters use the character's first names in the script.

"IA good leader makes sure every member of his team knows exactly what’s happening."
I just wanted to point out the random I that has been bothering me.

I think that your dialogue between the characters could be made more smooth with more complex and compound sentences. I see a lot of simple sentences and it makes the script sort off choppy. In the next few scenes, I would like to see the leaders so I can determine who is good or bad. Also, (again for the dialogue), maybe some of the characters could have different accents since they are going to a military academy and that probably means they are from different places.

Now for the things that you did pretty well. I really loved the names of the characters. They were out of the ordinary and those types of names are always my favorite in novels. I really like how you use the italics and bold in the appropriate places. I think that this a good basis for this story. You are getting some characters introduced and getting some sort of plot set up. I wish the characters would stick a little more though(It's really hard for characters for stick to my memory) but if you managed to that, you would be able to make anyone remember your story. Great job overall! Again, happy review day! :D Keep calm and keep writing!




User avatar
152 Reviews


Points: 3965
Reviews: 152

Donate
Mon Feb 16, 2015 1:55 am
Rubric wrote a review...



Howdy. Beginning with the general:

Characterisation: Strong. The plot allows characters to introduce themselves, and you get a good indication of the different perspectives they each have for West Point. The early difference in home Stimola and Erickson see Razinski also makes that character more interesting: the reader wants to know which has the better angle on things. The reader, presumabely ignorant of the setting, gets a useful introduction to how different characters relate to the regulations, expectations and each other. The conversation between Razinski and Erickson was great in establishing their differences in attitude and preparedness.

Narrative: Strong Foreshadowing, introducing potential antagonist/mentors (the first captain), as well as the army-naval rivalry as a narrative device. I’m intent to see how the Stimola-Razinski angle will develop.

Setting: Because there are fewer direct descriptions in this kind of piece, the bar is much lower, and you definitely make it. The discussions of regulations and norms is a good way to establish the role different objects/rooms/times play in the lives of the plebes, and I'm sure this will continue. West Point will gradually accrue its own identity, as the characters discuss its benefits and drawbacks, its particularities and its deficiencies.

Specifics:

“IA good leader makes”
A*

“Naval Academy doesn’t have on.”
One*

“Erickson: I’m about too. What you got?”
About to*. Direct speech can be laxer with grammar, because characters aren’t perfect, but “What’ve you got” would still be formally correct and laidback. Erickson struck me as a guy who’d speak fairly well, given his emphasis on regulations.

I hope this was helpful, let me know via pm or on my wall if you have any comments or questions.





Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica